I DON’T SHOOT FISH IN A BARREL, THAT’S WHY

A reader wonders why I haven’t commented on Pat Robertson’s veiled spiritual death threat to three Supreme Court justices. It’s real simple: Pat Robertson is a “minister of the Gospel” in the same sense that I am a “ballerina of the Bolshoi.” He is a political muckabout and wannabe kingmaker clothed–barely–under the guise of Christianity. And I don’t think he’s going to get an Oral Roberts-type deus ex machina ending, either. Just like he once predicted a hurricane would strike Orlando because of Disney’s pro-gay policies (it struck Virginia Beach, headquarters of CBN, instead), I am believing that his so-called “prayer offensive” (and I can’t even begin to tell you what’s wrong with that phrase) also will not work.

I am reminded of a cartoon I saw years ago. A preacher stood out in a field, hands raised to heaven, and said, “Lord, if it is your will that I continue in my ministry, send me a sign.” In the next panel, about a million “STOP” signs come crashing down on the preacher’s head. He struggles his way out from underneath them, lifts his hands again, and says, “Any sign will do, Lord . . .”

Literally for God’s sake, Pat Robertson should stop putting God to the test by announcing the expected results of prayer before the prayer has actually happened. That’s just a cynical attempt to force God’s hand, and he’s starting to affect God’s credibility. And if he can’t stop it with the politicized prophesying, then he should do the honorable thing and stop accepting donations. Why throw good money after bad theology?

ROAD SONGS, PART II

Who says we don’t have opposing viewpoints at The Bemusement Park? (Nobody, actually, but please . . . play along with my delusions of popularity!) Today’s road song comes from the Issaquah, WA-based Modest Mouse. I first heard “Convenient Parking” on the legendary Radio K in the Twin Cities. I was immediately drawn in by the insistent, churning, bluesy guitar riff with occasional angular leads. But the lyrics, to me, seem to be about the futility of urban sprawl, a sentiment I share. In fact, the whole song has the monotonous feel of the far-out suburbs . . . strip mall, Wal-Mart, soccer fields, lather, rinse, repeat.

Modest Mouse also has an album called This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About, unheard by me, but that’s got to be one of the all-time great album titles. The lyrics to “Convenient Parking” are found anon.
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CLAWS EXTENDED

The Des Moines Register (and its chief editorial writer, David Yepsen) are still all over Gov. Tom Vilsack for last week’s acknowledgement that the Gov doesn’t really know how to use e-mail. Yepsen is today implying Vilsack’s national ambitions may be over now:

The charitable view is that he was initially being disingenuous about his digital limitations in order to cover his tracks. No politicians want it known they want to take money from private corporations and their political donors to secretly supplement the salary of a new state economic-development director - a person who can hand development grants back to the very business interests that paid part of his salary.

But if it’s true Vilsack really is electronically challenged, the damage is compounded. The most horrible thing that can happen to a politician is to become a joke. (”Honey, did you see where the governor of Iowa can’t do e-mail?” “Yes, dear, he doesn’t need it to talk to the hogs.”)

Real funny. As a result, any hopes Vilsack has of becoming president or vice president have been damaged by his handling of this. Democrats didn’t get too far with a guy who claimed to invent the Internet, and it’s unlikely they’ll want one who once said he can’t use it at all. Republicans are also chuckling. They know the next time an Iowa Democrat starts thumping President Bush for being a nitwit, they’ll be able to note that Tom Vilsack can’t do e-mail.

One could also wonder what effect this will have on the Iowa caucuses, but I think it will be quite minimal. The best quote on the matter, though, comes from last year’s unsuccessful GOP gubernatorial candidate Doug Gross, in this column from yesterday: “I guess I was overqualified for the job.”