7/21/2003
DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION
Sure, I say I’m backing off, then my wife goes to bed early and there’s nothing good on TV.
Anyway, I got to thinking about bad movies. And I realized that there’s two different kinds of them. (There’s probably more than two kinds, but if you disagree, start your own blog.) There’s the kind that just flat out sucks from beginning to end–the performances are bad, the plot wouldn’t captivate a 3-year-old, it’s filmed poorly, or it’s got the words Police Academy or Kickboxer in the title. And you walk away from such films with a deeply bitter taste in your mouth, because you know you’ll never get that two hours of your life back. That’s how I felt when I saw this, this (which even my wife thought stunk out loud), this (KEANU REEVES??!!?), and (just to prove I’m not only biased against ckick flicks) this, which may be the worst movie I’ve ever seen. (Although I sure hated this, too, which also featured Keanu Reeves.)
I say “may be” because there’s a second category of bad: a movie which you know is a total stinkpot, but it’s so transcendently bad you begin to be entertained by its badness. Here I’m specifically thinking of Big Man On Campus, a 1989 retelling of The Hunchback of Notre Dame set at UCLA. How bad is it?
It’s cornier than Iowa in August, that’s how bad. There isn’t a joke you can’t see coming from a mile away, the level of acting is about what you’d expect from community theater in the Ozarks, and the movie (which is nothing more than a dumb comedy) has the audacity to try to make a Big Statement about accepting others who are different. (Even though, in the end, the hunchback decides to go back to living in his tower.)
There are a couple funny moments, one involving the hunchback’s first TV interview, and another regarding which parts of a chicken may be edible. But apart from that, every moment of this film is an exercise in mediocrity. You become very aware that you’re watching a bad movie, and the very badness of it all begins to capture your attention. It’s more fun to count the ways the movie sucks than it is to try to follow along and enjoy what’s happening on screen, because that is simply not possible.
And it’s considering these two forms of suckitude that made me aware of the existence of a third form of badness: the movie which isn’t good enough to enjoy, but isn’t bad enough to make you angry, and certainly isn’t bad enough to entertain you. It’s just there on the screen for two hours, and the minute it’s over, you forget that you’ve even seen a movie.
I’ve seen one movie that falls perfectly into this category: I’ll Be Home For Christmas, the movie that didn’t exactly make Jonathan Taylor Thomas a screen star. I know I saw it. I even remember where I saw it and who I saw it with. But I’ll be danged if I can remember a thing about it. He’s some sort of college student who’s trying to get home for Christmas. (Of course, you could probably guess that much from the title.) Beyond that . . . meh. Couldn’t tell you anything that happened in any scene of that movie. But I know I saw it.
Hence, my deep philosophical question. What’s the worst kind of bad movie? The one which is so bad you feel dirty for having watched it, the one which is only entertaining if you sit and mock it pitilessly, or the one that vanishes from your consciousness the moment they bring up the house lights? I think you could make a case for any of the three. What say you?
8 Comments
RSS feed for comments on this post.
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.
Robert Altman would have been enough for me to skipped that one, but I did like Chocolat. The next three I can likely say would not have been taken after I read the box.
Comment by Tiger — 7/22/2003 @ 1:18 am
I am thinking the worst ones are the ones where you just refuse to watch it any longer, like Weekend at Bernies, even though you paid good money to see it. I cannot even recall the names of movies I rented and just completely stopped and rewound after getting ten minutes into some drivel that was not even entertaining.
Comment by Tiger — 7/22/2003 @ 1:24 am
If I’m not mistaken, we both saw “Dracula” and “Memoirs of an Invisible Man,” possibly joined by other friends, at River Hills back in the $1 days.
All I can remember from “Dracula” is the line, “You are fresh like a spring rain” (Anthony Hopkins)
But as for that Chevy Chase stinker (a phrase which, over time, has become more and more like discussing that “Three’s Company” episode when Mr. Furley’s eyes bugged out after he misunderstood something while eavesdropping) it’s tough for a movie to suck so bad when you’ve got Stephen Tobolowsky (good and fun in other things, particularly “Groundhog Day”) and Michael McKean (good and entertaining in just about everything) in top supporting roles.
Comment by Paul — 7/22/2003 @ 7:37 am
Yes, Paul, you are correct; both those go back to our River Hills Mall days. Sometimes even the supporting cast can’t save a film that was a bad idea from the get-go.
Comment by Mark — 7/22/2003 @ 8:01 am
The worst ones are the ones that you can’t even make fun of and just say to yourself “Please God make it stop” throughout.
I still haven’t seen it (can’t find a copy), but “Lingerie Kickboxer” may be an exception to your rule of thumb. It was directed by Donald G. Jackson, who also made “Hell Comes to Frogtown” (and its sequel, “The Toad Warrior”), which stars Sandahl Bergman and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. He also made “Roller Blade”, which is the Worst. Movie. Ever. Made. (and I consider myself to be something of a maven in this department.)
Though I recently saw “Cannonball Run 2″ again for the first time in a while. I am continually amazed at the levels of suckitude this movie achieves. The cast alone should give you tremors:
Burt Reynolds
Dom DeLuise
Dean Martin
Sammy Davis, Jr.
Telly Savalas
Jamie Farr (playing an Arab sheik, no less)
Shirley MacLaine & Marilu Henner, playing hotpants-wearing nuns
Catherine Bach
Foster Brooks
Jack Elam
Jackie Chan
Tony Danza
Tim Conway
Richard Kiel
Don Knotts
Ricardo Montalban
Frank Sinatra
Jim Nabors
Charles Nelson Reilly
Arte Johnson
Joe Theismann
Mel Tillis
AND Abe Vigoda
This is the all-stars, boys.
Comment by Vidiot — 7/22/2003 @ 9:02 am
Re: “Memoirs Of An Invisible Man”.
Mark: IIRC, Darryl Hannah ’starred’ in this movie. Can you think of any memorable movies which featured Ms. Hannah? Remember “Splash”? Shame on you for expecting more!!
BTW, “A FIsh Called Wanda” fits your third category perfectly.
Comment by Harry — 7/22/2003 @ 9:19 am
Dear Harry:
Thank you for mentioning Daryl Hannah, since I nearly forgot that “Clan of the Cave Bear” was almost as bad as “Memoirs of an Invisible Man.” A quick check on IMDB reveals that Hannah and Keanu Reeves have yet to appear in a movie together. For the sake of all that is good and decent, we must prevent this from happening, lest the Vortex of Suck open up and swallow the entire universe.
And I haven’t even mentioned Wings Hauser yet.
Comment by Mark Hasty — 7/22/2003 @ 9:33 am
Chocolat’s not that bad a flick. It did get a lot of flack for not being “Best Picture” worthy with those Oscar nominations.
Prêt-à-Porter was a Robert Altman misfire, but still more interesting than other films– if you want another Altman misfire try O.C. and Stiggs, Altman’s take on the teen movie.
Dracula wasn’t that bad…. hmmm… Monica Bellucci as one of Dracula’s brides??? Hmmm…
But as far as a Classic Bad Movie. You can’t beat Road House.
Comment by Kennedy — 7/22/2003 @ 3:47 pm