IT CAN’T ALL BE GOOD

Dylan Wilbanks has thrown down the gauntlet and called me out by name, essentially daring me to outdo his list of the 10 worst songs of the last 25 years.

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, etc., etc. Read ‘em and weep, sucker.

10. Baltimora–”Tarzan Boy”: Insipid dance music, based on the worst imitation of Tarzan’s yell ever attempted. Made all the worse by appearing on the soundtracks to Beverly Hills Ninja and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. Somewhere out there, I hope someone is organizing the Baltimora Cultural Indemnification Institute.

9. Mike + The Mechanics–”Living Years”: This song gave Paul Carrack his nine squajillionth chart hit, which is pretty amazing for a song without a single original idea in it anywhere. This was Mike Rutherford’s attempt to make a Big Statement To His Generation about the futility of intergeneration squabbling, but it failed. Say it loud, say it clear/You can listen as well as you hear. Fine, but from the context of the song, it sounds like the narrator needs to learn to listen as well as he speaks. An abomination.

8. Bryan White–”Someone Else’s Star”: Post-Garth country music is just too easy of a target. If this was a top-100 list, you could bet that Shania Twain would be on it at least five times. But most of it is just too derivative and forgettable to be truly bad–vis-a-vis this discussion about bad movies. But that doesn’t apply here”Someone Else’s Star” is truly inspired and deeply pitiful. The lyrics concern an unlucky gent who thinks the world has it in for him because other people are in relationships, and he’s not. Can you say solipsism, boys and girls? And don’t worry; the music is every bit as bathetic as the lyrics. I’m also giving White an extra measure of blame because of this song, which unleashed a flood of simpering tunes about gradeschool crushes and newborn babies. Even George Strait got swept up in it. There’s just no forgiving something like that.

7. Billy Joel–”We Didn’t Start The Fire”: “Here’s a song about everything bad that’s happened since I was born. By the way, in case the title of the song doesn’t convince you, my generation and I absolutely refuse to be held responsible for any of this stuff.” I was in high school when this song came out. Yes, we had to learn about every last thing mentioned in the lyrics. And no, fifteen years is not too long to be bitter about a high-school history assignment.

6. Neil Diamond–”Heartlight”: Probably the worst song inspired by, but not commissioned for, a major motion picture. Oh, you thought it was in the movie? Poor, pitiful fool.

5. Don Johnson–”Heartbeat”: No offense, Dylan, but this song was infinitely worse than Patrick Swayze’s. And I’m not saying that just because my brother’s class picked “She’s Like The Wind” as their class song. No, this is worse, because, unlike Swayze’s song, this one wasn’t used in a movie. This was simply a souvenir of the Johnson/Streisand romance. The video was wack, too.

4. LFO–”Summer Girls”: Whoring yourself out to a company that isn’t even paying you = one-hit-wonder status guaranteed. As if their lyrical abilities weren’t going to be enough.

3. Alanis Morissette–”Unsent”:A supposedly-good songwriter pens a bunch of discombobulated lyrics about the men in her life, then writes tortured, meterless music to accompany them. And since when is “muchly” a word, anyway?

2. Starship–”We Built This City”: From “White Rabbit” to this. I don’t know what’s the worst thing about this song: that greasy-tongued DJ spouting forth right in the middle, or these lyrics designed to peg your irony meter: Someone’s always playing corporation games/Who cares, they’re always changing corporation names. Bear in mind that Starship was this band’s third name and, if you don’t count Grace Slick (which you shouldn’t), the band had exactly zero original members left in it. Mickey Thomas shoulda stayed with Elvin Bishop.

1. Wham!–”Careless Whisper”: You name it, this song has got it. Simpering Miami Vice saxophone, Manilow-like musical grandeur, and best of all, the most bladder-busting lyrical couplet of all time: I’m never gonna dance again/Guilty feet have got no rhythm. While Dylan’s choice of Kenny G’s “Songbird” was inspired, it’s also too bland and anonymous to inspire the Lovecraftian terror that wells up in my mind whenever I fear that “Careless Whisper” is about to come on the radio. That, and as Kenny G songs go, “Silhouette” was worse; it was so sticky-sweet, the American Diabetes Association actually advised people against listening to more than 30 seconds of it.

Oh, I could go on forever, but why?