PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN: SPECIAL SEASON PREVIEW EDITION

Welcome to the Internet’s greatest sarcastic football prediction column, the award-winning Pickin’ on the Big Ten. The 2003 college football season starts one month from today, so it’s time to start coughing up these chicken scratchings again as we near yet another disappointing season for the Big Ten.

I say “disappointing” because there’s no way any Big Ten teams will contend for the national title this year, for reason we shall discuss anon. But before we look forward, let us look back on the season that was:

I guess Ohio State won some sort of survey or something. They keep calling it a “national title” but I can’t find any mention of a Division 1A football champion anywhere on the NCAA’s website. I think they’re just making it up to distract attention from Maurice Clarett and his continuing struggle against reality. The Big Ten went 5-2 in bowls last season, and wouldn’t you know it, my team was 1 of the 2. Still, the SEC went 3-3 in bowl games last year, exactly equaling their in-conference record against each other. Some “elite” conference they are if they can’t do any better than .500 against each other! And the Pac 10, as expected, went 2-5 once they had to start playing real teams.

So you can see there’s hardly anywhere to go but down for the Big Ten this season. Some doofus school like Florida or Boston College will probably go all the way undefeated and wind up running off with the #1 ranking in the Zogby Poll or Top 50 College Football Fan Sites.com or something equally meaningless. Personally, I say instead of watching Big Ten football this season, you just settle back, tune in PBS, and watch that dead guy with the Afro who paints “happy little trees.” But, since I know you won’t listen, I can give you a thousand words on Black Sabbath . . . er, the Big Ten in 2003.

THE COACHING SITUATION IS ALWAYS IN FLUX

Whaddaya know? Glen Mason defied my predictions, pulled one out of the Universal Orifice, and wound up not getting fired. It’s pretty amazing what a coach can do once he realizes he’s never going to get the Ohio State job now. So I’d say he’s safe for at least one more season. And Kirk Ferentz, despite the booty-shining administered to the Hawkeyes in the Orange Bowl, can go ahead and lock in a low mortgage rate in Iowa City. Bobby Williams is gone, replaced by “John L. Smith,” who I’m pretty sure is Terry Bowden under an assumed name.

So who’s on the hot seat this season? Randy Walker, certainly, unless amazing things happen in the Chicago suburbs. And, far be it from me to suggest such a strange turn of events, but you might hear a few punch-bowl defecators suggesting that Joe Paterno might consider retirement if Penn State doesn’t clean up its act. Gerry DiNardo had a predictably grotesque debut season at Indiana, but if 5% of the people in state even knew who the Hoosier football coach even is, I’d be shocked. So, on to the team-by-team previews!

ILLINOIS: MEDIOCRE, AND BULT TO STAY THAT WAY

Despite taking Ohio State down to the wire in last season’s Big Ten Game of the Year. The Whining Swini return QB Jon Beutjer, who eventually got around to playing good football last season, but he doesn’t have anybody to throw the ball to–Illinois’ top four receivers are all gone. The defense was distinctly third-rank last season (remember their dreadful performance in the Minnesota game?), and it’s hard to see them getting much better. Their out-of-conference schedule is reasonable, with road tilts at Mizzou and UCLA, and a visit from Cal. (They’re also playing a school called “Illinois State” but I think they’re just making that up.) The Ill Annoying will not face Ohio State or Penn State this season.

INDIANA: DON’T BOTHER

The Hoosiers only have four problems facing them this season: Offense, defense, special teams, and coaching. The unofficial motto in Bloomington this year? “Thank God for Northwestern.” The Hoosiers will give UConn something it badly craves–a 2-game Division 1A winning streak–in the season opener at Storrs, or Old Fezziwig, or East Splotchley, or wherever it is Connecticut keeps its university. No Iowa or Wisconsin on the schedule this season.

IOWA: A FOUR-LETTER WORD MEANING ‘FLUKE’

I like Kirk Ferentz, but last season wasn’t supposed to happen. Brad Banks had lousy throwing mechanics, and the defense was supposed to be inexperienced and easily intimidated. Last season’s Hawkeyes may have been the worst top-10 finisher ever. This season, look for the Hawks to bring punishing defense and nearly 34 yards of offense per game. Every running back on the roster is injured, and Brad Banks is gone. Nathan Chandler will try to fill his shoes, but since he’s 6′9″, that shouldn’t be too tough. But looking for this team to do better than 7-5 is asking too much, and they may struggle just to become bowl-eligible. After all, Indiana and Northwestern aren’t on the schedule.

MICHIGAN: THEY’RE NOT GREEN, BUT YOU WOULDN’T LIKE THEM WHEN THEY’RE ANGRY

Talk about a worst-case scenario: Not only did the Fuzzy Puppies lose to Ohio State, but now the Victors Valiant aren’t the last Big Ten team to win a “national title”–and the Bucks are. I don’t think Lloyd Carr is taking this very well. Michigan was thoroughly mid-pack in everything last season; look for that to change as QB Jon Navarre gains confidence and Michigan rediscovers its running game. The Blue and Gold evade Wisconsin and Penn State this seson.

MICHIGAN STATE: THE SILENCE, THE TERROR, THE PAIN, THE HORROR

Charles Rogers had a good year. That’s Michigan State’s 2002 in six words. “John L. Smith” takes over this agrarian army awfully arrayed, and a sign of his desperation is that he’s considering brining back the patly-named Jeff Smoker at QB. Listen, “John L.”: Last season he had CHARLES FREAKIN’ ROGERS to throw to, and he still only chucked 13 TDs. What in the name of everything green is he gonna do this year? Besides joining the rest of the team in not playing Purdue and Northwestern, that is. Look for Sparty to be somewhere down around Indiana levels at the end of the season; in fact, the October 4 game at East Lansing may be for the coveted 9th spot in the Big Ten. (Of course, that means an automatic berth to the Rain-X Liquid Windshield Wiper Fargo Bowl, so maybe it’s worthwhile after all.)

MINNESOTA: THE BEST TEAM NOBODY WATCHES

OK, OK, I’m starting to believe. The Gilded Rodents could well surprise a lot of people this year. They should have no trouble moving the ball on offense; unfortunately, they should have no trouble moving the ball on defense, either, with little experience on the line or in the linebackers. The Schedule Gods smile, with nothing more challenging than Penn State before an October 11 home date with Michigan. Look for Goldy to be ranked, maybe even in the top 15, by that point. I hate speaking well of the Gophers. I shan’t do any more of it. Purdue and Ohio State won’t face this year’s Hawkeye-esque squad.

NORTHWESTERN: INEXPLICABLY, STILL PLAYING FOOTBALL

QB Brett Basanez, a true freshman, was the only good thing going for Randy Walker’s armada of class-attenders last season. He’s back, of course, and so is most of last year’s dreadful defense. They duck Iowa and Michigan State this season, but it’s OK, since they couldn’t beat them anyway. Look for NU to be a major player in the Rick Neuheisel sweepstakes come the end of next season.

OHIO STATE: A REPEAT OF LAST SEASON EVERYWHERE EXCEPT WHERE IT COUNTS

My goodness. 11 of 11 offensive starters and 8 of 11 defensive starters from last season’s championship team are back. This includes Maurice “Test Drive isn’t just a video game” Clarett and Chris Gamble, the two most exciting players in college football last season. This does not bode well for the rest of the Big Ten. The Bucks will probably repeat as Big Ten champs, but another “national title” may be tough to come by, as the overall level of competition has increased across the board. No Minnesota or Illinois games this year.

PENN STATE: NO, HE’S NOT RETIRING

Glad we got that out of the way. Last year’s team had lots of hard luck; this year’s team has not much of last year’s team on it. That may be good, but the Nitty Kitty Dirt Nap’s going to have trouble on both lines this year. Zack Mills is a good enough QB, but they’re going to miss Larry Johnson a whole bunch. They won’t miss Illinois and Michigan, though. Not this year.

PURDUE: AIMING HIGH, PROBABLY REACHING IT, TOO

Last year’s Beer-and-a-Bumps were a good but not flashy team. With lots of starters returning, this year’s team should find more success. The defense, anchored by killer safety Stuart Schweigert, should dominate, and the offense should find just enough to turn some of those Ls into Ws. The out-of-conference schedule is pure gravy; in-conference, Purdue ducks Michigan State and Minnesota, but plays Michigan and Ohio State on the road.

WISCONSIN: APPARENTLY, JULY IS NOT TOO SOON TO BE OVERRATED

Many preseason top 25 lists have the Badgers holding down the bottom spot, and I don’t know why. Sure, they stunned Colorado in the Alamo Bowl, but most of that team is gone. They’ve got a stud running back in Anthony Davis, and Lee Evans will be a receiving threat if he’s back to full strength, but apart from that, there’s just too many losses on both sides of the ball to anoint the Badgers as top-25 worthy. The fans finally get rid of Brooks Bollinger, which they’ve been begging for for a couple years, but Jim Sorgi isn’t exactly the second coming of Darrell Bevell, and what does it say when Bevell is the QB you hearken back to? No Michigan or Indiana games this year.

PREDICTED (AND CERTAINLY WRONG) ORDER OF FINISH:

1. Ohio State uber alles
2. Minnesota
3. Michigan
4. Purdue
5. Wisconsin
6. Penn State
7. Iowa
8. Illinois
9. Michigan State
10. Indiana
11. Northwestern

THE 1AA PARADE OF SHAME:

Illinois (Illinois State)
Indiana (Indiana State)

Best in-conference schedule: Minnesota (no Purdue or OSU; Michigan and Wisconsin at home)
Worst in-conference schedule: Iowa (no Indiana or Northwestern; roadies to Wisconsin, Purdue, and Ohio State)