PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, 8/30 EDITION

One of the most traditional college football institutions was destroyed in a brief, blinding flash last night. I’m talking, of course, about the MACrifice, that guaranteed win that major-conference teams pencil on to their schedule when they find a team from the MAC that needs the money badly.

It was inevitable that one of these MAC teams would step up and take a game one day. Last night, they did. Northern Illinois beat #15 Maryland 20-13 in overtime. And all of a sudden, athletic directors in the Sun Belt conference are getting a better class of phone call.

It’s a light Big Ten schedule this week, with only four games on tap. But they involve the conference’s heavy hitters, so interest will be high. (Except for the Central Michigan/Michigan game; the Chippewas have about as much chance in that game as a chihuahua has of impregnating a Great Dane.) But otherwise, we’ve got two teams that will contend for the conference title facing quality opponents, and one inexplicably-ranked team facing a supposed MACrifice. So, on with the picks!

FAKE MIAMI @ IOWA

It’s become so trendy to say that the Redhawks will upset the Hawkeyes that, should it happen, you could hardly call it an upset. It’s one of those “I told you so” memes that irascible sports guys love to toss around as a show of intelligence. Show your intelligence this way instead: Remember that Iowa returns most of its defense (the same defense that beat Miami last year in Flohio), and this game is being played in Iowa City. Mind you, Ben Roethlisberger will throw a TD or two–you’ll see him holding a clipboard on an NFL sideline someday. But assuming the Hawkeyes are going to lay down in their own stadium just because Brad Banks is gone–do you believe everything Jim Rome tells you? Hawkeyes roll out early, let Miami back in the game, but ultimately hold on to win.

THE ACEDEMIC BEACON OF GREATER CINCINNATI 24
BRAD TO THE BONE 31

CENTRAL MICHIGAN @ MICHIGAN

Disgusting.

MACRIFICE 7
ALMOST AS GOOD AS WE THINK WE ARE 45

WASHINGTON @ OHIO STATE

Nearly all of tOSU’s championship team is back. UW’s been singing, “Oh Ricky, pay your fines, pay your fines, you oozing slime, hey Ricky!” all summer long. I don’t see how UW has a chance in this game, unless somehow I’ve read the schedule wrong and they’re actually playing Ohio U. It won’t be a blowout–unless I’ve overestimated Keith Olbermann, or whoever it is that’s coaching UW these days. But it’ll be an easy win for the Bucks.

THE RICKNESS UNTO DEATH 13
CALL US HIDEO–NO MO! HAA! I AMUSE MYSELF! 34

WISCONSIN @ WEST VIRGINIA

Can the deification of the Badgers stop now? Please? I know the fans hated Brooks Bollinger and are glad he’s gone, and I’m sure Lee Evans is a great receiver. But the Badgers’ O-line is largely graduated, and I don’t know why people keep forgetting this, but Jim Sorgi has never won a game as a starter. Not to mention that West Virginia was a nine-win team last season, is angry about getting shredded by Virginia last year in some bowl game, and oh, by the way, this game is not being played in Madison. UW makes it interesting, I’m sure, but I see the ‘Eers successfully defending their home turf.

SHOE BOX OF LIES 24
DON KNOTTS U 28