PICKIN’ ON THE BIG XII: 8/30 EDITION

Once again this season, everybody says the Big XII is the best conference in the country, which means that, once again this season, the national champion will come from some other conference. This is the Big XII’s 8th season, and so far they’ve exactly matched the Big Ten in national champs. And, despite the vaunted Texas football traditions, that’s exactly how well the old Big Eight would have done in the same time period. Yep, this here experiment’s working out real well.

It’s a big weekend, with several teams playing meaningless matchups against technical colleges and American Legion posts that needed the money. Oh, and there’s two games that are just too strange for words. So let’s get the party started:

UAB @ BAYLOR

This game will almost certainly be played on Saturday.

IT’S A NICE DAY FOR A WALK (something)
WOULDN’T A CUP OF COFFEE HIT THE SPOT? (irrelevant)

COLORADO “@” COLORADO STATE

Gary Barnett’s teams are never ready for the start of the year. It’s a good thing he doesn’t coach at K-State, because you wouldn’t want Eastern Illinois to get overconfident going into the Ohio Valley Conference season. Meanwhile, Sonny Lubick always outsmarts The Gary; this year, he has the better team as well. CSU, and this year, it’s not an upset.

DISCOLORED RAMS 27
WAKE US WHEN IT’S OCTOBER 23

NORTHERN IOWA @ IOWA STATE

Mopeds and I-AA teams. They’ve got something important in common.

MORE THAN KURT WARNER . . . OK, NOT REALLY 17
GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY GIRLFRIEND, COACH, SIR 44

NORTHWESTERN @ KANSAS

The Randy Walker farewell tour makes its first stop in Lawrence this
Saturday. Be there–it’ll be your last chance to see him, unless
you’ve got season tickets at Eastern Illinois.

WILDCATS KU CAN ACTUALLY BEAT 27
WE LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT 33

TROY STATE @ KANSAS STATE

Forget it. I’m saving my ammo for when K-State plays TWO games against I-AA opponents.

FRESH MEAT 10
SAY MY NAME 66

ILLINOIS @ MISSOURI @ ILLINOIS @ MISSOURI

Mizzou’s a trendy pick for this year’s ‘00 Iowa State: a team that
isn’t going to win against the best teams in its own conference, but
can hang with anybody outside of it. Illinois is only going to be as
good as Jon Beutjer this season, since there’s nobody else on that
team that’s noteworthy. When I look at it, I see a Mizzou team that
can play defense, and an Illini team that could only occasionally play
D last year. Throw in the fact that Brad Smith is at least the equal
of Jon Beutjer, and it’s not hard to predict how this border battle
turns out: Tigers in a slapfight.

AT LEAST WE GET OUR STADIUM BACK 21
THE OL’ PINKEL BARREL 34

OKLAHOMA STATE @ NEBRASKA

Somewhere in the book of Revelation, it talks about the horrors awating sinful humanity when 24th-ranked Oklahoma State is expected to beat an unranked Husker squad in Lincoln. (Trust me on this; I am a professional, after all.) Sad thing is, they’re probably right. OSU put the hurt on the Skers last year, and victory never tasted so sweet. And that’s what makes this game so, well, strange. OSU is deeper, and faster than NU, they run the ball better, have a better defense, and Les Miles will outcoach Frank Solich, who (let’s face it) is Mack Brown without the recruiting. I’m not saying NU doesn’t have a chance–just that they don’t have much of one, that’s all. I see the Pokes dancing at 12th and O.

WATCH THE HAT 24
YOU’RE NOW 2-31 AGAINST US SINCE THE KENNEDY ADMINISTATION 20

NORTH TEXAS @ OKLAHOMA

Hey, don’t laugh, the Mean Green were a bowl team last season. Which only proves that there are, indeed, too many bowl games. Sooners roll.

MUZAK MAKERS IN TRAINING 7
FRY BABY 63

NEW MEXICO STATE @ TEXAS

Dear Husker Nation: If Tony Samuel was “The Answer,” don’t you think he’d do better than 6-5 in the Sun Belt? Just a question, since speculation about who’ll coach the Skers next is much more interesting than how this cheap trick is going to turn out.

YEAH, BUT YOU COULDN’T EAT OUR FOOD 10
BE OUR QUARTERBACK! JUST CALL 800-555-MOCK 42

ARKANSAS STATE @ TEXAS A&M

Oh man, there’s an Arkansas State now, too? This is getting to be too much. Dennis Franchione brings his traitorous self to College Station, and even a new coach couldn’t screw this game up, proving that it’s been a bad week in Alabama for unanswered prayers.

YOU COULDN’T FIND US ON A MAP 0
DON’T GET 2 CLOSE 2 MY FRANTASY 48

SOUTHERN METHODIST @ TEXAS TECH

This would’ve been a great game . . . in 1982.

WE REJECT CAPITAL PUNISHMENT 14
WE REJECT TOPOGRAPHY 38