THE TEN WORST THINGS IN SPORTS

1. Major League Baseball. Just call it what it is: George Steinbrenner’s rotisserie league. There is nothing–NOTHING–interesting about MLB anymore, and until there’s revenue sharing and a meaningful salary cap (not a useless “luxury tax”), there won’t be. They ought to just sell the World Series title on eBay.

2. SportsCenter. When Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick were doing “The Big Show,” with Craig Kilborn on the bench, it was great TV. Watching the current passel of who-dats trying to imitate what once was great–well, that’s another story. The story of schtick over substance, to be specific.

3. Interviews with athletes who have nothing to say. You’d better “bring [your] A-game” every week because that’s what you’re getting paid for. And we also know that you need to minimize mistakes and capitalize on opportunities. We know that because everybody in the freakin’ world knows that, and we all learned it when we were six years old.

4. Olympics telecasts. Ever since ABC started “Up Close and Personal” during the ‘76 Summer Games, Olympics telecasts have been about 20% action and 80% stories of athletes overcoming the heartbreak of psoriasis to become the fourth-best trapshooter in the world. I already know that gymnasts start young and get up early in the morning to practice and forego a lot of the things that “normal” kids enjoy. The Olympics are the only chance most Americans get to watch sports which aren’t terribly popular in this country, like fencing, bobsled racing, and soccer. Less Lifetime, more ESPN, got it? People who aren’t already sports fans don’t watch the Olympics!

5. The NCAA’s eligibility rules. Nobody buys the fiction that the majority of athletes in major-conference football and men’s basketball are in school to get their educations. More to the point, nobody cares. Let athletes on full athletic scholarships go to school part-time, just like everybody else who has to work their way through college. They’ll still get some education, which is better than none, and if they want to go full-time, they can.

6. One-named Brazilian soccer players who aren’t Pele. He was given the nickname; he didn’t just claim it. How about proving you’re worthy before you declare yourself to be his equal? Which is what you’re doing by refusing to use a last name.

7. Quarterbacks who wear the number 7. Last I checked, a touchdown was only worth six points. “7″ should, by all rights, be a kicker’s number, since only a kicker can score the 7th point.

8. Americans’ relationship with the NBA. Everybody in the world hopes and hopes again for a championship series without the Lakers in it. Then we get one . . . and nobody watches it.

9. The credit given to drivers in NASCAR. Yep, I’m sure the main reaon Jeff Gordon had so much success in NASCAR is because he’s a better driver than anybody else. Couldn’t have anything to do with the dozens of people who kept his car running faster than everyone else’s every week. Nope, it’s all his driving. Ridiculous A trained baboon could win a NASCAR race if it had the fastest, best-maintained car, and it wouldn’t even have to be a particularly smart baboon. Jeff Gordon is just any commuter who’s had too much coffee.

10. Men’s tennis and women’s golf. To understand why, see #3 on this list.