PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, 9/06 EDITION

Firstly, to recap: PotB10 went 8-2 last week, and it’s a good bet that Barry Alvarez and Randy Walker are off my Chirstmas card list. But I feel like I shouldn’t take credit for the Indiana-UConn game; I expected the Hosers to lose, but I didn’t think they’d get their butts handed to them like they did. Got a feeling a lot of teams are no longer looking past UConn.

But this week there’s a lot of teams playing opponents whom they’re certainly looking past, and you can hardly blame them. Compelling TV, it ain’t gonna be. There’s maybe one good game in the entire conference this week, and that’s being generous. And oh, by the way, no Big Ten teams are playing road games this week. What does that tell you? So, read on if you dare . . .

ILLINOIS STATE @ ILLINOIS

I was right; the Illini are only going to go as far as Jon Beutjer can throw them. They put in a good showing last week against Mizzou, but couldn’t find enough defense to stop the Tigers from winning the Battle of St. Louis. Meanwhile, Illinois State edged Drake by 14 last week. Drake. No, really. It’s in Des Moines. It’s a 1-AA non-scholarship school. That’s right, the payers don’t get a free education for playing football. They actually go to school to learn, and football is second at best. And Illinois State beat that glorified club team by 14 points. Gonna be a long afternoon for the boys from Bloomington. Hope the check doesn’t bounce.

CUPCAKES 6
CREAMSICLES 54

INDIANA @ WASHINGTON

This will be a true test of how good the Huskies are. I mean, there’s no doubt they’re going to beat IU. The question is, will UW prove to be as good as UConn? UW’s got a better QB/WR tandem in Cody Pickett and Reggie (mumble), but that RB from UConn is scary good. I’m saying UW wins handily, maybe even pitches the shutout.

DOGGED 10
DOGS 49

BUFFALO @ IOWA

Last week, Iowa kept Ben Roethlisberger and his Fake Miami squad out of the end zone, intercepting the vaunted QB 4 times. Meanwhile, last week, Buffalo lost to Rutgers. I think that’s all I have to say about this game.

DEAD MEAT ON THE HOOF 3
BIRDS OF PREY 42

HOUSTON @ MICHIGAN

This would’ve been a great game . . . in 1989.

COUGAR HIGH 13
ALMOST AS GOOD AS WE THINK WE ARE 55

RUTGERS @ MICHIGAN STATE

Tough call. Rutgers has gotta be full of themselves after sloughing off Buffalo last week. You just have to hope the dear old Knights in scarlet (DORKS for short) aren’t looking past Sparty to . . . uh . . . Army. I kinda doubt they are. I’m feeling generous; I say Rutgers hangs with the Greens for a half. But win? Not unless this is some sort of sick video game.

EXIT 13, NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE 21
OUR BAND WEARS TOILET SEATS 48

TROY STATE @ MINNESOTA

I don’t know; the Troy State (mumble)s are bound to be ticked ater getting carpet bombed by K-State last week. I’m not sure Minnesota wants to play these guys. Except they’re on an all-pastry diet (what is this, Atkins in reverse), so of course they’re playing TSU. And they’re going to grind them into the Giant Hefty Bag, too.

WILL SOIL OURSELVES FOR MONEY 7
OUR CHECKBOOK’S BIG ENOUGH 52

AIR FORCE @ NORTHWESTERN

NU pulled out a tough win last week, holding off the last-minute charge of . . . erm . . . Kansas. They way these two teams run the ball, though, one thing’s for sure: The game will be over in 2 hours, 45 minutes. And the Cadets will be celebrating afterwards.

IRONIC 34
COLONIC 24

SAN DIEGO STATE @ OHIO STATE

Maurice Clarett? Even if the Bucks were starting Maurice Chevalier at running back, they’d still mop the Horseshoe with SDSU.

TONY GWYNN U 7
AFTERTASTE OF TOSTITOS 38

BOSTON COLLEGE @ PENN STATE

Evidently, the Nits are trying to play in the Big East and the Big Ten simultaneously. Last week they struggled with the dreadful Owls of Temple, while BC lost to the rapidly-improving Wake Forest squad. I can’t see BC winning in Happy Valley, though. However, I think they’ll make a game of it.

USEDTA BEES 27
COME BACK, LJ 34

BOWLING GREEN @ PURDUE

This is not the game Joe Tiller wants to open with. Last season’s Purdue team was mediocre, and Bowling Green is resurgent. Just like Last week’s Western Michigan/MSU game, this one will be better than you think. But the outcome’s not in doubt. Purdue pulls away late.

SOUTHEASTERN NORTHWESTERN OHIO STATE 31
CONTRARIAN AGRARIANS 45

AKRON @ WISCONSIN

If they could beat WVU in Morgantown, Akron in Madison is going to be a laugher for the Badgers.

IT WAS A VERY GOODYEAR 7
A.D. AND THE AD 34

Coming up next week:

Illinois @ UCLA: Consult opthalmologist before viewing
Indiana State @ Indiana: Larry Bird has a vested interest
Iowa @ Iowa State: Sweet revenge, or same as it ever was?
Notre Dame @ Michigan: A good game, or are the Irish fraudulent?
Louisiana Tech @ Michigan State: Gadzooks
Minnesota @ Ohio: *yawn*
Fake Miami @ Northwestern: He’ll throw for 600 yards, he will
North Carolina State @ Ohio State: Upset alert!
Penn State @ Nebraska: Confusion for the color-blind
Purdue @ Wake Forest: Uh-oh.
UNLV @ Wisconsin: It might be a good basketball game.