PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, 9/13 EDITION

Last week PotB10 went 9-2 but got lucky, thanks to tOSU not falling
*completely* flat against SDSU. I suppose they can always blame
Maurice Clarett . . . seems to be SOP in Columbus these days. The
guy’s gone from Heisman candidate to _persona au gratin_ faster than
anybody whose first name isn’t “Orenthal.”

If you recall, last week featured a bunch of real nailbiter games. I
really didn’t know if Illinois would be able to hold off their
cross-state, Division I-AA rivals Illinois State. And I was concerned
Buffalo might be lying in ambush for the Hawkeyes. Plus Minnesota was
playing some school nobody’d ever heard of. (But, that’s not exactly
news, now, is it?)

So what’s happening this week? We find out whose coaching insulin
can’t suppress the effects of an all-pastry diet. Mostly. There’s
still a couple homers-only snorefests on tap. So, on to the picks!

ILLINOIS @ UCLA

Two schools going sideways fast. UCLA is coming off a tough loss to
an uncharacteristic Colorado squad, while Illinois is fresh from what
*appears* to be a RUTS of Illinois State. I say “appears to be”
because the Whining Swini’s ($1) defense gave up 488 yards–including
365 through the air–to a mid-pack Division I-AA team. UCLA’s got
problems of its own, mostly at QB, but I don’t think it will make much
difference. The Illini haven’t picked off a pass all season. UCLA
rolls.

DAYS OF BEUTJER PASSED 13
BLUESY MOOD 44

INDIANA STATE @ INDIANA

IU can’t run the ball, can’t pass the ball, and, through their first
two games, is *averaging* 498.5 yards allowed per game. They’re
dreadful against the run, and they’re dreadful against the pass. The
Sycamores are a long-distance call from a good football team, but they
can run, and even defend a little. Last season the only thing IU had
going for them was superior conditioning. That may not be enough to
keep them from soiling themselves against Indiana State. These are
two lousy football teams, and when two midgets get in a slapfight,
anything can happen. I’m calling on the Sycamores to shock the world
and pull the hard-fought upset.

LARRY U 28
LARRY WHO? 24

IOWA @ IOWA STATE

No current Hawkeye player has ever beaten Iowa State. In fact, during
the last Hawkeye victory, Tavian Banks and Tim Dwight combined for
seven touchdowns. *That’s* how long ago it was. Through two games,
Iowa seems not to have missed a beat–the offense isn’t what it was
last season, but the defense is markedly improved. Across the board,
there isn’t a position where Iowa doesn’t match up at least margianlly
better than ISU. But will it matter? Probably not. Cy’s got the
mental edge in this series right now, and Herky doesn’t have the
offensive firepower to overcome a losing mentality. ISU knocks UI out
of the top 25.

BIRD PARTS 31
ENTIRE BIRDS 37

NOTRE DAME @ MICHIGAN

Speaking of insulin, Michigan’s a team that hasn’t even been tested
yet. Central Michigan and Houston? Are you kidding me? Meanwhile,
NotOur Dime has faced deep, deep adversity and come up strong. YOu
might wonder if the stress of playing in “The Big House” might get to
the Irish, but they’re used to playing here, as well as most of the
other tough stadiums in the nation. As for Michigan, color me
unconvinced by either John Navarre or Chris Perry. You, too, could
put up gaudy stats against the likes of UH and CMU. I’m liking the
Irish in this one; they’ve perfected that “permanently PO’d and
disrespected” thing, and it works for them.

LUCK O’ THE IRISH 21
(RHYMES WITH LUCK) ALL THE IRISH 17

LOUSIANA TECH @ MICHIGAN STATE

News flash: MSU is not “back.” They’ve got a great rushing defense on
paper only giving up 6.5 yards per game through two, but that’s only
because their secondary is rehearsing for “El Matador.” MSU lives and
dies by the success of its passing game, which will probably be enough
for them to win this game, but one day soon they’re going to get
snakebit.

BRADSHAW, RATTAY, AND LOTS OF SWAMPS 19
THE MAGIC LEFT IN 1979 27

MINNESOTA @ OHIO

Props to the Gophers for playing a MAC roadie. Now, schedule some
real teams.

PLACEHOLDER 10
ROAD WARRIORS 42

FAKE MIAMI @ NORTHWESTERN

Speaking of teams which aren’t “back,” neither is NU. I’m not
impressed by losing to Air Force close, or barely beating KU. Brett
Basanez has been distinctly underwhelming early in the season, and
NU’s pass defense hasn’t gelled. I can seen Ben Roethlisberger having
a big day against the Wildcats. Miami, though it will be close.

CRADLE OF COACHES 31
GRAVE OF COACHES 24

NORTH CAROLINA STATE @ OHIO STATE

If Jim Tressel really is the John Wooden of college football, then
last week was just a minor aberration. The Wizard didn’t win all his
games by 30 points, either. NC State will struggle to rebound from
the loss to Wake Forest last week–don’t feel bad; lots of people will
lose to Wake this season who don’t expect to. Anyhoop, with the
(probable) loss of TD McLendon, this game is in the hands of Philip
Rivers and what he can do against tOSU’s defense. Which, let’s face
it, probably won’t be much.

TOBACCO ROAD 10
SMOKE ‘EM IF YOU GOT ‘EM 24

PENN STATE @ NEBRASKA

One of these teams isn’t as bad as you think. One of them isn’t as
good. Sadly, it doesn’t matter which you think is which. However,
all the evidence is there: Penn State just isn’t playing very good
football right now. NU’s got problems of its own, both on and off the
field. This will be a good game between two mediocre teams. It comes
down to coaching . . . and in a coaching matchup between Paterno and
Solich, who would YOU pick? Uh-oh, here comes the upset . . . PSU in
a tough one.

OLD SCHOOL 24
SCHOOLED 21

PURDUE @ WAKE FOREST

I’ll bet Joe Tiller felt REAL good about this game when they inked the
home-and-away deal a few years ago . . . but now, Purdue falls to 0-2
after getting kicked in the face with Cinderella’s glass slipper.

BEER AND A BUMP 13
ROLLIN’ DA CHUMPS 33

UNLV @ WISCONSIN

The Badgers nearly let Akron back into the game last week, even though
the offense is rolling exactly the way everybody thought it would.
Meanwhile, UNLV’s going nowhere in a hurry after losing to Kansas. By
22 points. The Rebels’ only hope lies in a plucky farmboy from a
desert planet.

SIN CITY’S FINEST 0
MAD CITY’S FINEST 56

Coming next week!: