PICKIN’ ON EVERYBODY: PREVIEWING THE COLLEGE BOWL GAMES

We start with the games played prior to the New Year’s Six-Day Weekend.

THE SUN BELT’S MILK-BONE OF MEDIOCRITY MITIGATION: Memphis vs. North Texas, Dec. 16, New Orleans: This is the Sun Belt’s third year of playing football at the 1.5-A level. No Sun Belt team other than North Texas has ever gone to a bowl game. This year, they’re the only Sun Belt team eligible for a bowl; believe it or not, the conference’s second-place team was Louisiana-Lafayette, which was 4-3 in the conference but 4-8 overall. Ne’ertheless, don’t let the Sun Belt’s dreadful suckitude lull you into thinking that North Texas must be a lousy team. They’re not. But Memphis is a team capable of losing to Mississippi State. The Mean Green will run away with this
game.

PAGING PENNY HARDAWAY 17
rUNT 28

THE “WOULD SOMEBODY *PLEASE* BUY A PONTIAC AZTEK” BOWL: Good Miami vs. Louisville, Dec. 18, Mobile: Consider the fact that Good Miami is in the top 10 in most computer polls, having lost only to the Iowa Hawkeyes, and that in the season opener, and they’re STILL stuck in a bowl game that’ll leave them with a whole week to do their Christmas shopping. Louisville is not such a bad team, although knowing that their coach will jump on the next train out of the station may be affecting them mentally. Good Miami, behind the mighty BEN~!, won’t have much trouble in this game. But you might have trouble staying awake to watch it.

I’M HOEPP TO THAT 34
BRAVO PETRINO 13

THE NOBODY REALLY LIKES MAZDAS OR TANGERINES BOWL: NC State vs. Kansas, Dec. 22, Orlando: Just close your eyes and pretend that this is 1983 . . . and this is a basketball game. Actually, the way these two teams score, it might as well be. But NC State is lightyears beyond KU. Good on Mangino for getting his team to a bowl game so quickly, but this probably won’t be what he had in mind.

PASS LIKE A RIVERS 48
BASKETBALL SEASON IS OVER 31

THE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE BOWL: TCU vs. Boise State, Dec. 23, Foat Wuth: Usually, it’s Boise playing a “bowl game” in its own stadium. Perhaps through enough consciousness-raising experiences like this, we can promote greater harmony and world understanding. “I’d like to teach the world to sing . . .” Oh, right. Football game. BSU’s going to kick in TCU’s windows.

WE SLEPT IN OUR OWN BEDS LAST NIGHT 10
GREEN? DUDES, YOUR FIELD’S BUSTED 24

THE NATIONAL LAMPOON VEGAS VACATION BOWL: Oregon State vs. New Mexico, Dec. 24, Lass Veegus: There are a lot of cheap, easy jokes here, and I’m not going to make them.

PUNCHLINE TO MOST OF THOSE JOKES 38
PUNCHING BAG FOR THE PUNCHLINE 17

THE BOWL WHOSE NAME TOTALLY BETRAYS THE FACT THAT ONE PARTICULAR TEAM ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE INVITED: Houston vs. Hawaii, Dec. 25, Gadsden, AL: Two dramatically-overhyped quarterbacks. Two dreadful defenses. Those are the best words in sports apart from “The New York Yankees fired their manager today.” I sense the home-field advantage will overcome the Cougars and their seven fans.

KOLB TO NEWCASTLE 32
MOM’S COOKING US DINNER 41

THE CHRISTMAS IN DETROIT BOWL: Bowling Green vs. Northwestern, Dec. 26, Day-TWAH: Bowling Green doesn’t deserve to be in this game. Neither does Northwestern. If you can’t think of something better to do during this brass-plated bucket of bovine barf, come over to my house and clean out the gutters. BGSU will make Randy Walker wish somebody had offered Frank Solich his job.

THE ACADEMIC BEACON OF SOUTHEASTERN NORTHWESTERN OHIO 37
THE CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION FROM HELL 6

THE FIRST GAME OF THE BASEBALL SEASON, APPARENTLY: California vs. Virginia Tech, Dec. 26, Phoenix: Hey, Cal beat the #1 team in the country. But Va Tech beat the #7 team in the Atlantic 10. Strangely, despite their resume, Va Tech should paste Jeff Tedford’s squad to the wall–Cal simply cannot defend.

ONCE PEET’S GOES NATIONAL, WE’RE JUST A FOGGY MADISON 10
WE COULDA BEEN A CONTENDA, IF THE SEASON ENDED 9/28 31

THE BOWL IN CHARLOTTE NOBODY REALLY WANTS TO GO TO: Pitt vs. Virginia, Dec. 27, Redneck Manhattan: There’s a very good reason Walt Harris didn’t get the Nebraska job. But you *may* get to see a Heisman winner in this game. See him lose, that is.

WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR 17
UVulA 23

(Next installment: Alamo through Orange.)