DEAR TELEVISION PROGRAMMERS

OK, I’ll admit I enjoyed the first season of Survivor. And then I kept my mouth shut when the networks conspired to give me 174 hours of Survivor ripoffs per week. I have managed to convince my wife that she’s better off not watching “The Bachelor,” “Joe Millionaire,” and “For Love Or Money,” since there’s really nothing at all interesting about those programs. She has begun to see the light. But

would you
please
just
STOP IT
with
the
interior
decorating
shows
already?

I am not going to live in a house where the dining room is mustard-yellow and the table is made out of abandoned telephone-wire spools.

I do not wish to sleep in a room whose decor is meant to evoke Portuguese university life in the 1950s.

Safety orange is not a good color for the bathroom, in my opinion.

And I will not watch football in a living room festooned with lamps made out of gold-painted abandoned sneakers, pillows that look like giant cellophane-wrapped hard candies, and huge painted eyeballs staring out from every wall.

More to the point, I’d sooner trust the decor of my house to Stevie Wonder than I would to any of the platoon of self-appointed tastemaking bozos you have giving advice. If I wanted to live in the lair of a villain from the old Batman show, I’d be perfecting my sinister weather controlling device out in the garage. ‘K?

Sincerely,

Discombobulated in Dodge County