SUPERBOWL BLOGCAST

If you think I don’t read too much Bill Simmons, this ought to change your mind.

There are no pictures of Janet Jackson on this site. Now get back to work!
Here are my unedited thoughts from the telecast:

• In what language does “Josh Groban” mean “Barry Manilow and Amy Grant’s curly-hairded love child”?
• Beyonce’s good, but if any artist ever gives the national anthem the respect it deserves by just singing it straight, I’ll buy all their albums (offer void in Tennessee).
• CBS’ player intros were cool.
• Remember when Bud Light had funny commercials that didn’t just recycle a bunch of cliches?
• Note to Pepsi: If you have to tell people your product is cooler than Coke, it only shows that everybody already knows Coke is cooler than Pepsi.
• Based on the first quarter, I can confidently say that if either team wins this game, it’ll be a miracle.
• The H&R Block “Willie Nelson” commercial was very funny.
• 15 minutes of gametime gone and still no “He Hate Me” references. That’s probably because there’s been one kickoff in this game so far.
• The only one of the movies advertised so far that I would be willing to rent, let alone see in a theater, is Miracle. Troy looks like Oscar bait, and Van Helsing, much to my disappointment, was not about Jack Elam’s character in The Cannonball Run.
• Pepsi’s going to take some heat for its antinomian music-downloading commercial.
• I would drive a Ford GT (duh) or a Dodge Magnum. I would drive a Chevy Aveo if Ringling Brothers told me it was a contractual obligation for my new job as a clown.
• 11:33 in the 2nd, and this game has all the emotion of filling out a warranty card.
• Charmin is probably glad Bud Light decided to go with horse farts, so they would only have the 2nd-most-tasteless commercial of that particular commercial break.
• Adam Vinatieri appears to be channeling all the bad karma that TMQ predicted would befall Mike Vanderjagt.
• I love Biz Markie, but that Pepsi commercial stunk. The Muhammad Ali commercial, though, was an absolute stunner. My favorite so far.
• Greg Gumbel: “This is the longest we’ve ever gone scoreless in a Super Bowl.” Got a feeling it may be a while longer.
• I think the first team to complete a pass longer than 5 yards will win this game.
• Please note that that was a 5-yard TD pass and therefore not long enough to guarantee victory.
• Sepp Blatter loved that VISA beach volleyball commercial.
• It’s a good thing there aren’t more kickoffs in this game, or else somebody on the field might pull out a .45 and start shooting.
• OK, well, I guess it’s over and the Panthers are going to win.
• Both teams have rediscovered how to play football in the last 3 minutes of the half.
• When did these teams start channeling Tecmo Bowl?
• OK, I’d see Starsky & Hutch too. But Ben Stiller’s presence obviously means an ugly scene involving Huggy Bear and bodily fluids.
• It’s too bad most of you don’t live in southeastern Wisconsin. You just missed the best political commercial I’ve ever seen. It featured a Brady Bunch-style montage of the nine mayoral candidates, all simultaneously launching into their standard platform speeches. One candidate (Vince Bobot) stopped talking and began presenting a very simple message–”Milwaukee needs a mayor who can do more with le$$”–written on cue cards. Tremendously effective. And I’d like to know how they did it.
• So . . . are you gonna tell the NFL that Janet Jackson isn’t a celebrity anymore, or do I have to do it?
• Jermaine Wiggins just made the best football leap since Lavar Arrington’s famous line-vault suring his senior year at Penn State.
• The halftime show in one overly-complicated sentence: “Up With People presents Marlo Thomas’ tribute to the greatest hits of 1991, as directed by Leni Riefenstahl”.
• Zygote is sorta blogcasting too.
• What is it with office workers and pastry?
• And why are there no country songs about rodeo clowns?
• Tom Brady : 2004 :: Kurt Warner : 2002. Discuss.
• Brian Allen is soon to be a Starbucks employee of the month. Two stupid penalties on kickoffs = new, exciting career opportunities.
• Apparently Justin Timberlake somehow exposed a bit of Janet Jackson during the halftime show. Oh you kid!
• Did they ever show whether Fauria was inbounds on that shoulda-been-a-TD pass? If they did, I didn’t see it and it didn’t matter, but still . . .
• Cadillac’s ad agency has obviously been watching The Matrix.
• And in the end, who was the last player with a chance to win the game? He Hate Me. Who’da thunk it?
• Plus there was a Wang Chung sighting. I love the Super Bowl!