MY CAMPAIGN

My fellow Americans, and other Wisconsinites:

Tomorrow we go forth to the polls to vote on a pair of foregone conclusions. Or so it would seem. But tonight I feel strangely moved. Indeed, a burden has been laid upon my heart.

I am declaring myself a candidate for the presidency of the United States of America.

There are a variety of reasons why I deserve serious consideration as the next president. First and foremost, no other candidate can save the American taxpayer as much money as I will during the first half of my term. I can say that with great confidence, my fellow Americans, because there is one indisputable fact on my side: I am only 32 years old and will not be eligible to take office until late in the year 2006.

Since I won’t be able to take office for almost two years, I won’t receive the president’s $400,000 annual salary. Likewise, since I won’t technically be president, I won’t need Secret Service protection, and will not be able to fly on Air Force One. In fact, I won’t even be able to live in the White House. Thus, only a Mark Hasty administration will offer the American people a chance to rent out the most coveted address in all America. Sure, Clinton already tried this with the Lincoln bedroom. But I’m talking about the whole house. That’s got to be worth at least $850 a month, assuming Washington housing prices are on a par with those in Wisconsin.

And speaking of Washington, one of my first acts as president would be to move the US capital away from there. It’s too expensive and far too crowded. I’d relocate the capital to someplace in North Dakota. The rent’s a lot lower, and I’m sure that we could get some plum infrastructure improvements from communities eager to have the 400,000 or so Federal jobs I’d be relocating. Plus, as they’re fond of saying in the Dakotas, “Cold keeps the riff-raff out,” meaning that my cost-cutting move could also root out corruption. Sure, it’ll implode the economy of the nation’s fifth-largest city, but sometimes you have break eggs to make an omelet, you know?

Keep watching this space over the next few weeks for details of my platform, organized around my core political philosophy: “If it ain’t broke, that can certainly be arranged.” I think you’ll find my solutions to the problems of poverty, education, transportation, and job creation to be innovative . . . and certainly no less sane than anyone else’s.

PARODY. I am not actually a candidate for the presidency or any other elected office. If you needed to be told this, I feel sorry for your neighbors.