MY PLATFORM: EDUCATION

My fellow Americans, wherever I go on my campaign, people are asking me, “Honey, have you seen the scissors?” That’s because I’m pretty much only campaigning in my own house. But I imagine that, if I actually were out campaigning, a lot of people would be asking me about my education plans.

It will come as no surprise that many of our schools today are in crisis. Some are virtual battle zones. But enough about Coke and Pepsi. Class sizes are growing, standardized test scores are trending downwards, and having your underwear hanging out of the back of your pants is considered the height of fashion. Clearly, something must be done about these problems.

So, when these imaginary people ask me, “Mark, do you have a plan to improve our schools?”, I happily respond, “Why, yes. Yes, I do have a plan.”

My plan is called the No Child Left program. Here’s how it works:

Like all scarce resources, the attention of America’s qualified and dedicated teachers is governed by the laws of supply and demand. Traditionally, education reform plans have focused on decreasing the teachers-to-students ratio in the classroom by increasing the number of teachers available, usually by hiring more teachers and building more schools.

But have you noticed how expensive that approach is? My goodness, some teachers make more than $30,000 a year! That’s almost twice the poverty level for a family of four!

So clearly, the solution to better education is not more teachers; the solution is, we need fewer students. And that’s where the No Child Left program comes in.

No Child Left focuses on reducing demand for educational services at every age level. At the Early Childhood level, I will require all parents wishing to place their children in ECE programs to provide proof that they’re not just doing it to get their little brats out of the house. Parents will be required to provide a valid telephone number, which will be called at least once every five minutes during the child’s class time. If the phone is not answered, Junior’s dumped from the program.

Under No Child Left, everybody gets a free pass until 8th grade. You’re probably entitled to that much education, I guess. But, to encourage people not to send their children to school, I will offer huge tax credits to anyone who homeschools. There’s a dual benefit to this: Not only does it reduce demand for classroom space, it also removes adults from the labor pool–which you will find is a cornerstone of my economic policy, but that’s for another day. Likewise, I will offer tax incentives to employers who allow their employees to participate in my new National Take All Of Your Children To Work Month.

The genius of No Child Left comes in when the child graduates 8th grade. On the occasion of satisfactory completion of that grade, every child will be offered a one-time payment of $1000, so long as they promise not to attend high school.

Think about it: if you would say “yes” to that agreement, do you belong in high school? Of course not! I think this is an excellent way of weeding out those who would simply become a drag on their classmates.

Of course, some will complain that I’ll be forcing less-advantaged students to choose between their education and money their family needs. Well, everybody faces that decision sooner or later. I’d love to have a PhD, but my family’s gotta eat. However, to prevent the horrible decision from having to be made, I won’t give the thousand bucks in cash, but rather in the form of a debit card which is only valid at Best Buy or The Gap. Try supporting your family on one of those.

I am optimistic that the prospect of free clothes and XBoxes will discourage as many as 40% of all prospective high school students from attending. I will further promote the concept by running ads during “Jackass” and “American Idol” featuring the clips of Ben Stein from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I think, with a little luck, we could cut high-school enrollments in half, while stimulating the economy at the same time.

There isn’t much federal involvement in higher education, and at any rate, after a few years of No Child Left, college enrollments are going to plummet anyway. This should clear up the student-loan default rates to a great degree.

So ask yourself, my fellow Americans: Do you want four more years of forcing unmotivated students to go through the charade of pretending to be scholars–or would you rather see them narcotized by video games and $50 jeans until their parents shove them into the dregs of the job market? Many candidates have ideas; only I am promoting real change.