3/30/2004
OPENING (sic) DAY (sic)
In honor of the first offical baseball game of the season. leaving us with only 5,183 more games until the playoffs (all of which will be on the radio while I’m hoping to hear something else), I present you with a brief essay, already seen by many, entitled:
“WHY, SPECIFICALLY, I DON’T LIKE BASEBALL”
” . . . swing, and he fouls that one down the line. Lopez is batting .343 over the last 12 games, but for the season he’s only .217 against divorced left-handed pitchers with at least one Slavic grandparent. Count is 3-2, here’s the pitch and he fouls it back to the backstop.
“Tonight is Staples Office Supplies Protractor Night here at UniComOne Solutions Ballpark, and I see lots of fans with those shiny bits of red plastic. First 12,000 kids under the age of 13 got a free protractor with a paid adult admission tonight.
“Grodzniak’s in his stance aaaand . . . he fires it over to first, trying to keep speedy Jimmy MacVicar honest. Vic’s stolen three bases already this season, but only during day games when the temperature at game time was 75 degrees or cooler. I bet you fans didn’t know THAT. Here’s the pitch . . . and it’s in the dirt, so Lopez takes his base. Two men on, one man out, and it’s 1-0 here in the top of the 6th, in favor of the visiting Wichita Poltroons.
“Now, here comes Hank Hickenlooper out of the dugout, and that’s all she wrote for Grodzniak. Call it five and one-third innings for him, six hits, including that screamer he gave up to Johansen in the 4th, eight walks now with Lopez on base, and with those numbers, it’s a miracle the Hermit Crabs are only down one.
“Hick’s motioning for Javier Ochoa to come out of the bullpen, and that means that Berniece Franklin of Trumbull Heights is our winner in the UniComOne Solutions “First Call” contest. Berniece, you’ll be getting $20 off your first month’s service when you activate a new UniComOne Solutions wireless account, or $10 off your next bill if you’re a current UniComOne customer.
“While Ochoa is taking his warmup pitches, we’d like to extend a special greeting to the good folks from the National Federation of Society Associations who are here taking in tonight’s game. Ochoa will be facing Hercules Adams, who’s been on a hot roll since getting called up from the Gadsden Bottle Flies. He’s been hitting .310, with an on-base percentage of .508, but what’s really interesting is that his slugging percentage is .840 with runners in scoring position and a redhead on the cover of that particular month’s Maxim. Ochoa’s ready, he delivers aaand . . .”
*crack*
“. . . that one is jusssssssst foul, down the third-base line. Folks, for the finest in aluminum foil, it’s Shari’s House of Non-Precious Metals . . .”
6 Comments
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Ouch. Guilty as charged: there’s plenty of time between pitches to pitch all sorts of products. And proffer the most marginally meaningful facts from over a century of statistics.
Time for some positive disagreement.
Until I moved to Dixie I didn’t fully appreciate how baseball is a summertime game, with a summertime pace. It’s easy to disregard the heat when you watch it on TV from home, that is whenever the game is played in the afternoon and outdoors. In my view, sports and seasons go together. And like all major sports, the baseball season is too long.
I often listen to radio broadcasts of baseball games while doing other things. I find baseball to be much better suited to radio than other sports, because it’s easier to visualize the circumstances of each play.
Finally, as much as I enjoy watching football, the athlete/warrior metaphor the game exemplifies can be a turn off to me.
Comment by beastofsound — 3/31/2004 @ 11:46 am
People always tell me, “Baseball is so much better on the radio,” and I always ask, “Better than what–dead air time?”
I’ve read math textbooks that were fast-paced and compelling compared to baseball games.
Comment by Mark Hasty — 3/31/2004 @ 1:13 pm
Perhaps it’s a matter of expectations. Since I know baseball is a slow game, when I listen to a radio broadcast, I fill the “dead air” in other ways, depending on whether I’m in the kitchen, family room, or toolshed. So I don’t necessarily want the game to dominate my attention.
Comment by beastofsound — 3/31/2004 @ 2:49 pm
Well, I do understand the value of ambient radio, Beast. I guess what torques me the most are those days when it seems like every station has a ball game on, and even when there’s supposed to be “action,” all I get is a bunch of commercials between pitches.
That, and I think baseball is boring anyway.
Comment by Mark Hasty — 3/31/2004 @ 2:58 pm
You would then probably appreciate the Left Field Lounge at Dudy Noble Field at Mississippi State.
Comment by Kennedy — 3/31/2004 @ 3:03 pm
Baseball on TV is bad. On the radio, it’s sheer torture. But when you’re there in person, especially at a minor-league game, it’s bliss.
Comment by Vidiot — 3/31/2004 @ 11:57 pm