BE A ROCK CRITIC!

Yes, friends, you too can be a WORLD-FAMOUS rock critic! Amaze your editors! Confound your CD-store coworkers! Beg a 53-year-old publicist for backstage passes to the Warrant reunion tour! It’s easy with TBP’s Instant Rock Critic Kit! You’ll get:

• A checkered background guaranteed to give you lots of existential angst to work out in print! Remember, if you couldn’t beat up the bullies in junior high, you can at least fillet the dreadful music they listen to in the pages of the alternative weekly they don’t read!
• Unpopular political opinions with which to skewer decent artists whose music you just don’t like, but can’t figure out why. Nobody’s going to bother looking up the climate of artistic oppression in Tajikistan, so why not criticize Blink 182 for failing to bring it to the attention of 18-year-old nonvoters?
• Stock phrases like “Stonesy,” “shambling,” “sonic collage,” “acid jazz,” “SoCa,” “ironic detachment,” “jam-band wankery,” “confessional singer-songwriter,” and “radio-friendly” to help you complete the TBP/Mad Libs “Instant Album Review” form. Since nobody knows exactly what any of our stock phrases are supposed to mean–nobody can ever tell you you’re wrong!
• The list of artists you have to say nice things about like Eminem, the White Stripes, Yo La Tengo, Richard Thompson, and Mott the Hoople. Nothing says “amateur” like criticizing an artist who’s already been anointed by the criticocracy. Our kit helps you avoid making that mistake. We’ll also give you . . .
• The list of artists you’re not allowed to say nice things about, like Styx, Kansas, Creed, Grand Funk Railroad, Molly Hatchet, and the Dave Matthews Band. Why do you need this? Consider poor Ethan Frobisher, one-time music critic for the South Bend Alternazette. He made the mistake of giving a positive review to a Soup Dragons album once. Do you know what he’s doing now? He works at Sam Goody. In the mall. Don’t let this happen to you!
• 101 Lunatic Conspiracy Theories to help you write feature articles. Who knows? Maybe Kurt Cobain really was murdered by Sir Mix-A-Lot in a fit of jealous rage. Maybe Belle and Sebastian are totally sincere. Maybe the reason Pearl Jam keeps changing drummers is because they’re a little hard to work with. Maybe Omaha really is the next Seattle. Do you want to be the last one to point this stuff out? Order our kit and you won’t have to be!
• Bands in need of critical rehabilitation. You may have missed out on “The Monkees were underappreciated pop geniuses,” but that meme’s just worn out. We’ll help you walk the fine line between “worthless artists” and “the terminally underappreciated.” It’s past time for a revival of Tavares, Steel Breeze, the JoBoxers, the Climax Blues Band, even–dare we dream?–Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tich! Don’t react to critical trends–make them! We’ll show you how!
• A comprehensive guide to scamming free record company swag like promotional CDs, t-shirts, backup singers’ phone numbers, and Ricky Martin’s career!
• And a handsome carrying case! They’ll know you mean business when you walk into the concert arena carrying your genuine faux leatherette messenger bag with the words “Property of AmeriLoot.com National Bank” printed on the sides!

Now, how much would you pay for all this stuff? $49.99? $38.73? Two easy payments of $174.74? Oh no, my friends–it’ll cost you a LOT more than that! In fact, if you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it! But if you’ll do anything to become a rock journalist (short of learning how to write and paying your dues, that is), contact the management for more information. Be prepared to provide a letter of credit, a DNA sample, and one of these.