SCIENCE!

So a couple folks whose opinions I respect are calling me on the carpet because I deigned to refer to Krispy Kreme doughnuts as mere pastry. Well, I am nothing if not fair, and since I had to leave the Fortress of Workitude for a while (my glasses came apart, and I lost the screw) I decided to give KK another chance.

Therefore, in the interest of science (and only in the interest of science, mind you) I managed to secure three readily available examples of the doughnut-glazer’s art. In addition to the aforementioned KK, I also got a Glazer from Kwik Trip and a generic, unbranded glazed doughnut from a local convenience store. Then I came home, brewed up a pot of IGA-brand “100% Colombian” coffee, and tested the various offerings. The results are anon.

Doughnut #1: Krispy Kreme Original Glazed

Where purchased: BP station, Hartford, WI
Other foodstuffs sold there: Cousins Submarines
Size of doughnut: Approx. 2.5″ diameter
Weight: About 3/8 oz
Glaze: Thin, clear, and sticky
Crust: Thin, vaguely crispy
Texture: Fine and thready, sort of like cotton candy
Chewy: No
Yeasty: No
Flavor: Mostly the glaze
Quirks: Melts in your mouth, not unlike a Communion wafer
Verdict: This is not a doughnut. This is sticky air.

Doughnut #2: Kwik Trip Glazer

Where purchased: Kwik Trip, Hartford, WI
Other foodstuffs sold there: An alarmingly huge assortment of corn dogs
Size of doughnut: Approx. 2.5″ diameter
Weight: About 1/2 oz
Glaze: Thick, hazy, and hard; slight vanilla flavor
Crust: Present but undetectable
Texture: Doughy, like supermarket French bread
Chewy: Yes
Yeasty: Very
Flavor: Glaze/baked good combination
Quirks: Weird, bready aftertaste that lingered for 10 minutes
Verdict: Most “doughnutty” of the bunch

Doughnut #3: Generic unbranded glazed doughnut

Where purchased: Tri-Par Qwik Stop, Hustisford, WI
Other foodstuffs sold there: Anything that could possibly be deep-fried
Size of doughnut: Approx. 3.5″ diameter
Weight: About 5/8 oz
Glaze: Thin, clear, and VERY sticky; a little stale-tasting
Crust: Thick and unpleasant
Texture: An overdone Pillsbury crescent roll
Chewy: Yes–bordering on crumbly/rubbery
Yeasty: Somewhat
Flavor: Generic hamburger bun dipped in goo
Quirks: Weird, bready aftertaste that lingered for 10 minutes
Verdict: I wouldn’t put my name on it, either

IGA “100% Colombian” Coffee

I do believe the “Colombia” they have in mind is the District Of. Which means they should change the spelling on the label.

Now, pardon me a moment, as I don’t feel well.