STICK TO BARBECUE AND CHEATING AT COLLEGE FOOTBALL, OK?

Standup dude Bryan has gone too far this time:

Brenham, Texas is not only home to the world-renowned institution of Higher Learning, Blinn College, but also home to the “little creamery.” Most of you have never heard of Blue Bell, and that’s a shame.

He links to this post at the Fire Ant Gazette, which reveals that the creamery in question has introduced a new flavor: cantaloupe.

I love it when Southerners start talking smack about ice cream. You’ve got nothing, people. Ice cream is the Northerner’s property, solely and completely. Just in Wisconsin alone we’ve got places like Kopps and Gilles and a billion other mom & pop places that churn out the most wonderful, super-rich ice cream, 100% crystal-free, and if you’ve never had it, you can only imagine what it’s like: it’s like eating a cloud. It’s smoother than a Bill Clinton apology.

Mind you, some day, you’ll know. We are, after all, exporting the stuff as fast as we can. We’re even being gracious and allowing you to taste a real hamburger at the same time, since all the best custard shops also sell cheeseburgers that will make a strong man weak. Heck, it looks like there’s even a Culver’s not too far from Brenham! So soon, you’ll be able to taste what real dairy products are supposed to taste like, and you’ll know that Blue Bell might as well be Blue Bunny. I could drop you at any street corner in Milwaukee and I guarantee you there’s better ice cream than Blue Bell within six blocks. Even if we have to go to a grocery store and buy Cedar Crest.

And these folks would like to talk to you about your melons, although it seems a shame to sully the wonder of a Muscatine by calling it a mere “cantaloupe.” The Muscatine melon is sui generis as far as I’m concerned.