THE UPPER MIDWESTERN BILL OF RIGHTS

With many apologies to B34RCU8, whose list is funnier.

1. Those clowns in Washington can’t pass a law telling a guy where or whether he’s gotta go to church, but as long as you’re living in my house, you’re going with us, smartypants. You can say or print anything you want, too, but I don’t think your grandmother would appreciate your filthy mouth, and if Uncle Oscar was here, he’d push you on those liberal politics of yours. I don’t see why a guy has to spend $4000 a year sending his kid to college just to have him come home and spread a bunch of socialist garbage about sharing the wealth. I thought you were in the business college anyways. But I digress. When I was your age we had to work hard for a dollar, we didn’t go spending it on things like Coca-Cola and rock-and-roll records. You and your hooligan friends are free to congregate anyplace you like, as long as it’s not in this house. You can complain to the government. You can also complain to a cow, for all the good it’s going to do you. Keep your nose to the grindstone, and your mouth shut, that’s what your grandfather always said. A guy could do worse than to follow his advice.
2. Since some people aren’t strong enough to take the winter, though I think a little 20 below does a person a lot of good, then I guess we need some sort of military to protect the borders and the coast and the kooks and the drug addicts who live there. So if you want a gun, that’s your business, but let me tell you, I ever catch you leaving that thing where little kids can get at it, I’m calling the police. You don’t need it around here anyway, the cold keeps the riffraff out.
3. You don’t have to house soldiers during a time of peace. You do have to let your sister and Frank and the kids sleep in the spare bedroom at Thanksgiving, because they want $40 for a room at the Rancho out on Highway 24. And that’s not for the week, that’s just for one night. It’s getting so a guy should just stay home. I’d rather get mugged in the street than mugged at the front desk of a hotel.
4. You know doggone well you don’t just invite yourself over to somebody’s house; that’s rude. And I don’t care if you are the sheriff; your mother and I didn’t raise you like that.
5. If one person says you did something bad, that’s gossip. If twelve people say it, well, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. It may not be true, you never know, but you just can’t trust anybody these days. Just the other night on the news they were talking about who has access to your medical records or something like that. I fell asleep and slept right through the weather, so now I don’t even know if we’ll be able to dig potatoes this weekend. The weather on the radio calls for a 30% chance of thundershowers, but I don’t trust those guys any further than I can throw them, not since they said back in February of ‘74 that we’d get one to three inches of snow and we woke up the next morning and there was a foot and a half on the ground. I think the reason they call them weathermen is because they don’t know “weather” it will or “weather” it won’t. So you see, a guy just doesn’t know who to trust anymore.
6. You have the right to plead your case to people who don’t already know what you did, or I guess what you’re supposed to have done, so it’s a good bet they aren’t gonna find their jury down at the cafe. Those guys who hang out there think they know everything that happens in this town.
7. According to the government, twenty dollars is a lot of money, so I don’t see why you think you should come waltzing in here any time you feel like and ask me for twenty dollars. Those dumb movies you go to wouldn’t cost so much if you’d quit paying five dollars for 25 cents worth of popcorn.
8. You can’t be charged a bunch of bail, or get cruel and unusual punishment, but if you ask me, impounding somebody’s car because they drive around with the windows down and the stereo up so loud they can hear it clear over in South Dakota is neither cruel nor unusual, it’s just common sense. I don’t see why you have to listen to MC Hamburger or Hoopie and the Bluefish or whatever it is you listen to so loud, anyway.
9. Just because a guy has a couple rights doesn’t mean he only has a couple rights, but if you don’t watch that smart mouth of yours, you’re gonna have a lot less rights, and we’ll see how smart you feel then.
10. The government can’t do whatever it wants, but that sure doesn’t stop them from acting like they can. They tore up the old Anderson farm just to build that bypass, and now the only thing out there is that dollar store. That’s a crock, tearing up a century farm just so people from out of town don’t have to drive in the same traffic we all have to drive in just to get to the store to buy some plastic forks and snack crackers. A guy can work all his life, but the minute somebody has to slow down to 35 miles an hour for a few blocks, why, it’s the worst thing ever, to hear some of these young guys from the DOT talk. Meanwhile old man Anderson worked his whole life and saved his pennies, ’cause he and the missus sure weren’t fancy people, and now there’s four lanes of asphalt right where Adeline’s rhubarb patch used to be. So I guess the government’s supposed to be limited, but a guy could wear a hole in his shoes looking for it. Sure didn’t seem to do old man Anderson any good.

GETTIN’ FUNKY BY THE FISH STICKS

It’s been a long time since a band made me dance in the frozen-foods aisle, but Los Lonely Boys just made me do so.

A FROSTY RECEPTION

Aww, ain’t it sweet? Every year, John Edwards and his wife celebrate their anniversary with a trip to Wendy’s. No word on what they order, but my guess is Edwards is a Single With Cheese kinda guy.

In related news, the Prez was in these parts yesterday, making stops at an Oshkosh custard stand and a West Bend candy store. This caused me to realize I’m about to move my 6-months-pregnant wife to within a mile of a Presidentially-approved candy store.

What. Was. I. THINKING?

I’LL SEE YOU AND RAISE YOU 50

Branching off the Teachout Cultural Concurrence Index, which, being a knuckle-dragging Midwesterner who wouldn’t know Alvin Ailey from Alvin Harper, I am not sophisticated enough to answer, Dylan Wilbanks has decided to enact the Wilbanks Musical Compatibility Index. I’ve answered his quiz; my responses are in the extended entry. And, if you want to measure your compatibility against me, I’ve given you 50 “this or that”s of my own.
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