7/23/2004

MARK HASTY: GEEK, METROSEXUAL, OR . . .?

So OK, since my wife’s on bed rest, she’s got time to sit around and think about things, and she accused me today of being a geek. I used my standard comeback line–”If you think I’m a geek, what are you going to do when a real geek comes along?”–but she’s not buying it. My wife went to one of those tortured suburban high schools where geek identification was a survival skill; I’m from a prairie town where nobody was all that cool to begin with.

But I do have to say that, along the way, I’ve picked up some geeky habits–and some metrosexual habits as well. So I’m laying it on the line. In the extended entry is all the evidence you’ll need to make your decision: Am I a geek, a metrosexual, or just a confused exurbanite wannabe? Help me discover the true me. Read on, and give me your opinion.

The Geek Evidence

  • My favorite toys growing up were a Battlestar Galactica thing that fired Colonial Vipers up to 20 feet, my Atari, and eventually, my Commodore 64.
  • Bah. I loved the C-64 most of all, even if I didn’t get it till I was 12. I had no need of entertainment after that.
  • I’ve been playing Dungeons & Dragons on and off since I was 9.
  • I own a copy of the annotated Dragonlance Chronicles.
  • I can go days without watching TV and a day or two without listening to the radio. Eight hours without the Internet makes my skin crawl and my eyes go all goggly.
  • I spend a lot of time cruising classic video game sites, and I’d give anything (except actual money, of course) to have all my old Electronic Games and Compute!’s Gazette magazines back.
  • I am convinced I have some great ideas for sci-fi stories locked upi in my head. Unfortunately, most of them should be kept there.

The Metrosexual Evidence

  • I would sooner die than be seen wearing a white dress shirt. And that goes double for short sleeves.
  • I am convinced that wearing polyester-blend clothes makes my skin break out.
  • I am extremely protective of my good skin tone.
  • I am a guy, and I actually have an opinion about my skin tone.
  • I have a shelf full of back issues of Men’s Health . . .
  • . . . and I have five shelves of cookbooks.
  • I have never seen an episode of Star Trek (any series) all the way through. I’ve only seen two of the movies (II and VI), and I didn’t like either of them.
  • I have a thing for graphic design from the 50s, 60s, and 70s.

The Confused Exurbanite Evidence

  • I drive only the nastiest, ugliest cars, on purpose. Right now I have a rusty Dodge Caravan I paid $600 for.
  • I will watch anything on TV so long as it’s (a) a college football game, (b) “Good Eats,” or (c) a stupid list show on VH1.
  • I have a lot of old Men’s Health laying around. I never said I lived by them.
  • I feed stray cats.
  • I would sleep with the windows open in January if I could get away with it.
  • I don’t understand what the big fuss is over Super Wal-Mart when you’ve always been able to get all the clothes, food, and grooming supply a person really needs at the local fleet-and-farm.
  • I have washed my hair with pet shampoo.
  • And made a meal out of Slim Jims and Funyuns.
  • I like American cheese, American cars, and American beer. There, I said it.

So have at me.

Posted by Mark @ 8:57 pm | | Permalink
This post is filed under: Pointless polls

6 Comments

  1. I’d say you’re something like a gk5/met1/xrb2, but I’d have to consult my Player’s Handbook.

    Comment by Dave — 7/24/2004 @ 1:19 pm

  2. The formula I will use is as follows: the number of presenting symptoms as you’ve identified them will weigh evenly against one another. The highest scoring category is picked in a winner-take-all format.

    Geek:
    One-three are checks in that category. As would four, if only it weren’t the annotated. You’re slipping man! Five and six also rate. Your qualifier in number seven prevents it from adding to the category score of: Five.

    Metrosexual:
    One is a no. Two a yes, as are three and four. Number five is not, simply because many men had back issues of said publication before we knew of this categorizing word. Most of them, today, would likely be considered Metro, but they are grandfathered *out*. Six yes. Seven … no. This should also cancel out a point from the Geek section. Just think, all those nice solid colors, that should sing to the Metro! Pastel unis in the early series, cool earth tones on the set of TNG, though it tends to get darker after that. Enterprise now in a regimented blue … All of these things would, however, show up on that new show What Not to Wear. Number eight, yes. Final score five.

    Confused Exurbanite:
    One no (on purpose being the key), two through four yes (with number three’s “never lived by them being the straw…). Five yes, six no. Seven -through nine are nos. However they should each detract a point from the Metro category. Final: 4

    Revised finals after cross effect (new data analysis method I just invented): Geek - four. Metro - two. Confused exurbanite - Four.

    You’re a confused geek living in exurbia.

    By your same evidence I would be a … 2/1/3. Phew! Though if we subbed in the toys of my youth for yours, I’d be a geek straight away. Too young for much of Battlestar, too poor for the C-64 … such is life.

    Comment by kenny — 7/24/2004 @ 2:44 pm

  3. You’re a geek. Roll 1d20 for a saving throw.

    Comment by Zygote — 7/25/2004 @ 8:36 am

  4. I do not remember calling you a geek. I’m not saying I didn’t call you a geek or that you aren’t a geek; I just don’t remember doing so. Besides, what are you if you marry a geek??? All of this would be much clearer if you spoke of how you “whoo” me.:)

    Comment by The Wife — 7/25/2004 @ 10:49 am

  5. What have these people done to deserve that, hon?

    Comment by Mark Hasty — 7/25/2004 @ 7:07 pm

  6. “What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this??”

    The more things change, the more they stay the same. Metrosexuals in 2004 = “preppies” in 1984.

    Izod, collars up.

    You have to -look- like a preppy (physically) to be able to pass as a Metrosexual.

    Corollary: there aren’t too many offensive linemen (past or present) who will be confused with the David Beckham-style “metrosexual”-athlete.

    Comment by Archie Leach — 7/26/2004 @ 8:38 pm

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