IT’S JUST A FANTASY

With the fantasy football season about to take flight, it’s time for TBP’s helpful hints for the budding fake manager. Unlike my totally ignorant basketball predictions, I do have a little credibility here. This will be my fifth season of fantasy ball, and last year I won my first league championship. I don’t guarantee results, but here’s what I’ve learned in four years of fantasy football.

SETUP CONSIDERATIONS

• You know what’s more important than getting your pre-rankings in order and TiVoing that goshawful show on Fox Sports Net with Jerry Glanville? Learning your league’s scoring system. Maybe return yards don’t count in your league. Maybe long field goals are worth more than chip shots. Remember: the point of drafting a fantasy team is not to draft the best overall players; the point is to draft the team that gets you the most points week-to-week. How are you going to do that if you don’t know how you get points in your league?
• When naming your team, remember that, generally speaking, teams with names like “The Bonecrushers” or “The Bloodletters” usually wind up starting Trent Dilfer at QB and finish the season 2-10. Try a little reverse psychology. My championship team last year was the Fighting Amish; I’ve recycled that name this year for one of my leagues. In the other two leagues I’m in, my teams are the Grounds Crew and the Shivering Kittens.
• Oh, and don’t be afraid to change your team name midseason if you get on a hot or cold streak. The biggest advantage you can get as a fantasy player is to go up against an opponent who has no idea who you are.

DRAFTING

• You need two things in front of you during your draft: your pre-rankings and a list of bye weeks. There’s nothing worse than landing two great players at a desirable position only to find out that they’re both off the same week and you’re stuck hoping Brett Favre and Doug Pederson suffer unfortunate mishaps on the way to Lambeau because you’re forced to start Tim Couch. Remember: you’re looking for maximum points, not the best collection of players.
• There are those who will tell you that, if you don’t get one of the top five running backs, you have no chance of winning any league. These people are buffoons. My championship team last year had Troy Hambrick and Duce Staley at running back. Getting LaDanian Tomlinson is nice, but all is not lost if you’re stuck with, say, Onterrio Smith.
• Try to get a QB/#1 WR combo. Peyton Manning/Marvin Harrison is nice, but even David Carr/Chad Johnson will get you 14 points on every touchdown pass.
• QBs to avoid this year: Rich Gannon/Kerry Collins; Philip Rivers/Drew Brees; Kurt Warner/Eli Manning. See a pattern? Don’t spend a high pick on a QB unless you know he’ll start all 16 games if he’s healthy.
• When drafting defenses, consider the competition. Do you really want to take an AFC South defense, knowing that they’ll get lit up by Peyton Manning twice? My pick for top defense this year is Philly, since there’s only one good QB in their division, and they’ve got him.
• There are 3.5 tight ends worth spending a draft pick on (Winslow, Gonzalez, Heap, and [insert name here]), and maybe two kickers. If you draft a kicker, try to pick one on a team with a dreadful offense. Red zone futility = fantasy gold for that team’s kicker. It’s what’s made Matt Stover a household name among fantasy players.
• Don’t ignore kickoff returners on teams with dreadful defenses. I call this the Mar-Tay Jenkins rule, after the Arizona kick returner who was good for 11 points a week, since he always returned seven or eight kickoffs a game.
• Don’t draft Fred Taylor, ever. If you really want him, you’ll be able to pick him up in week four for Chad Hutchinson and half a Twix bar from whatever fool didn’t read this web page.
• Do draft the backup to any fragile porcelain running back with a huge upside, however. I felt real smart taking Lamar Gordon a couple years ago, knowing that Mike Martz only knows one offense.
• Everybody knows Drew Bledsoe is nearing his “SELL BY” date. But so is Marshall Faulk.

DURING THE SEASON

• You may safely assume that any trade proposed to you is the worst sort of screw job. That goes just as well for the ones you propose.
• Never be the first to set your lineup for the week–let the other person move first, then try to estimate what their points will be.
• Use a bogus lineup if you have to in order to get your opponent to set his or her lineup–especially if you smell blood. For all they know, you just might start Amos Zereoue against the Ravens defense.
• Don’t start any running back against Baltimore, in fact. But do start your defense against them, especially since Jamal Lewis is in the deep weeds right now.
• But the safest defensive plays this season are Baltimore v. anybody (especially with Carson Palmer and Ben Roethlisberger coming on board and facing them twice), or anybody v. Miami.
• One of your star players is going to get injured in the first six weeks of the season. This is as predictable as a Ted Rall cartoon–and demands the same level of surprise. If it doesn’t happen to you first, offer a lopsided trade to the person who just lost 70% of their planned offense.
• If it does happen to you first, shop around your wounded star–somebody might take a flyer that they’ll be back for the playoffs.
• Remember: Even in the NFL, a 10-6 season is considered almost great. But it’s only two games above .500. You may not run the table, but you can win a league starting from a low spot. Last season, the Fighting Amish were in the #7 slot.

SPORTS FRAGMENTATION

Some random thoughts about matters athletic:

• I know he’s got a chance to be the first repeat Heisman winner since Archie Griffin, but every time I look at Jason White, why does the name “Gino Torretta” keep popping up in my head? Honestly, Jason White’s not even the best QB in his conference . . . that would be Brad Smith of Missouri. White is a good QB . . . but that’s all he is–good.
• I guess I’m officially sick of the Olympics now. Well, I’m not, I’m just sick of NBC’s narrow-minded obsession with American athletes and familiar events. And I’ll bet the Peacocks were real happy the gymnastics started early and ended early at these games.
• On the scale of sports curses, the one befalling the Cubs is bubkis compared to the weird hoodoo that keeps messing up the Philadelphia Eagles. However, I’m sure the Miami Dolphins have more than a few things to say about the matter.
• 20 years from now, I’ll be glad to tell my kids that I can remember when there was an NHL . . . I just hope that by then I can come up with a reason for why there isn’t one any more. Does either side think things are going to be better once the league ceases to exist and/or casts a jealous eye on the WNBA’s attendance numbers and television ratings? Because that’s what’s going to happen.
• Two new schools (North Dakota State and South Dakota State) start playing Division 1-AA football this fall. Do you suppose Kansas State has their athletic directors on speed dial yet?
• By the way, NDSU plays football in the FargoDome, which is not a dome at all but a very tall arena.
• Jason Whitlock of the Kansas City Star and ESPN says that people who want the US basketball “Dream Team” to lose are racist. I’ve wanted to say that it’s a silly point, but I’m forced to conclude that he’s right. Everyone I’ve heard criticizing the team’s performance has fallen back on the same line: they don’t play as a team, it’s all me, me, me. Which is the subtle stereotype many sports fans have of the black athlete, especially in the NBA. And I find it very interesting that people keep saying this team needs an outside shooter, like Wally Szczerbiak or Fred Hoiberg–both of whom are white. You tellin’ me the GOP couldn’t find a black man in Chicago and sports fans can’t think of a single black player with a decent perimeter jump shot?
• When the history of sports is written, and it’s time for the chapter on the greatest teams ever, the US women’s soccer team of the past decade or so had better be at or near the top of that list.
• Quick, name a top current men’s tennis player other than Andy Roddick or Roger Federer. You couldn’t do it either, huh?
• I started off with one athlete who kept reminding me of another . . . I’ll close by wondering if Tiger Woods is becoming the Todd Marinovich of golf.

VINDICATION BY ADMINISTRATIVE FIAT

So one of the ongoing discussions in our marriage is over the value of fruit snacks, which is distinct from the value of snacking on fruit. For the non-parental, “fruit snacks” are (in my wife’s opinion) a healthy food kids will actually eat, or (in my opinion) cross-branded GummiBears shot full of synthetic vitamin C in an effort to convince guilt-ridden parents that they’re not really giving their kids a small bag of candy. My stance is, if you want your child to eat fruit, then give them fruit, since it’s cheaper and healthier than giving them a bag of little grape-flavored SpongeBobs. My wife’s stance is, kids think fruit is slimy and at least fruit snacks have vitamin C.

Anyway, my stepdaughter (who shares her stepdad’s fondness for white peaches and Gala apples) starts 1st grade next week, and the school she goes to requires parents to send along two healthy snacks in addition to lunch. Now, guess what is specifically excluded from the list of healthy snacks, along with candy, cookies, and chips? Hint: it’s not white peaches.

SAY ANYTHING . . .

Yesterday I asked the question of why health care costs so much. For the record, the question was occasioned by a bill for my wife’s six-hour hospitalization for pre-term labor–$1800.

Today in the Washington Post (thanks, OTB), there’s a bi-partisan effort (Sens. Bill Frist and Hillary Clinton) to spread the blame without providing any real answers to the problem of Malthusian health costs. I’ll give Frist and Clinton credit for pointing out that, essentially, we’ve got an outdated system based on diagnosing emergent health problems rather than preventing such problems in the first place. I only wish they’d come up with a solution, rather than just reiterating what we all know to be true already. (It’s also telling that there’s not a word about tort reform in this article.)

A huge part of the problem is that we’re, for the most part, lousy health-care consumers. We expect far too much of doctors, and educate ourselves far too little about the workings of our bodies. The classic example of this is the patient who demands antibiotics for a cold, which is a viral infection for which antibiotics are about as effective as eye of newt and tongue of salamander.

But we’d also rather take a pill than change our lifestyles, even though we know little about the long-term effects of the medicines we take. I love cheeseburgers, but I’d rather stick to my plan of one really good burger a month (and hold the fries, please) than take a medicine that might destroy my liver, but will keep my cholesterol down. In other words, I’d rather learn the proper way to incorporate cheeseburgers into my diet than depend on pharmaceutical companies to protect me from the effects of eating them too often.

We all know that “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” So why don’t we have incentives built into our system to encourage people to lead healthier lives?
–> read more

TODAY’S IMPONDERABLE

Why does health care cost so much?

SWIFTLY, AS IN A MOURNING SURPRISE

As a true Uncommitted Voter In A Swing State, I feel it’s my duty to provide occasional glimpses into my psyche as I try to figure out who gets my vote in November. Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of flapperation about John Kerry and these Swift Boat Veterans For Truth.

I’ve seen the ads. Living in Wisconsin, it’s tough not to. And I will credit the Bush campaign for refusing to make an issue of Kerry’s military service. (After all, it’s not like W is Audie Murphy, and it’s also in keeping with the Bush campaign’s apparent strategy of not making an issue out of anything that doesn’t directly have to do with September 11.) But I’ve come to the conclusion that the whole issue of Kerry’s combat medals and what he did or did not do with them is a total non-starter with me.

A politician exaggerated his military service for political gain? A shavetail officer right out of training stretched the truth to get a shiny bit of metal? Really? Why, next thing you know, some politician might exaggerate his or her faith to make their opponents seem impious!

Seriously, it took me about a femtosecond to figure out that Kerry was going to hit us all with a double shot of Vietnam every time he opened his mouth. I tuned that stuff out a long time ago. Likewise, I’ve long believed that Vietnam was a stupid, ego-driven war, and I’m highly suspicious of anyone Kerry’s age who didn’t protest it. Picking on returning soldiers was boorish, but being against the Vietnam War? That was just being smart. So the throwing of the medals and the testimony also mean nothing to me. As I’ve said before, I’m pretty sure nobody deserves to be president, but somebody has to be. I don’t care about either Kerry’s or Bush’s military service. I don’t care about Bush’s “lost years” or DUI arrest(s).

Kerry has left the door wide, wide open for Bush. His waffling on Iraq and failings on the Senate Intelligence Committee truly trouble me. But Bush has done nothing to counter. I honestly wonder if the president has really started campaigning yet. Bush has said that the Vietnam attack ads should stop, and I think he’s right. All they’re doing now is annoying me. But I still don’t have what I need most–a reason to vote for either Bush or Kerry that has nothing to do with the fact that Bush is not Kerry, and Kerry is not Bush.

Generally speaking, when you have a hard time making up your mind between two choices, it indicates that you don’t perceive much of a difference between them. I think there are significant differences between the two, but the way Bush spends money, it’s getting less and less every day.

FROM THE ‘WHY BOTHER’ DEPARTMENT

The registration freaks at the Chicago Tribune, who won’t even give you one free story, are reporting that Democrat Barack Obama has a 41-point lead (65%/24%, with 12% undecided) over carpetbaggerdistinguished politician Alan Keyes in the Illinois Senate race. Most troubling is the fact that half of Republicans surveyed said they disapproved of Keyes’ candidacy. And it sounds like Keyes’ support is squishy at best:

Conservatives said they recruited the outspoken Keyes as someone who could eloquently make the case that Obama, a Democratic state senator from Hyde Park, was too liberal to represent the state. But the poll showed that more than half of voters said they mostly agreed with Obama’s stance on issues, while less than one in five said they agreed with Keyes.

Even voters who described themselves as fairly conservative preferred Obama to Keyes by a margin of 49 percent to 40 percent.

Keyes is, of course, rather a bit out on the right, and the thought that the GOP considered him a good candidate to challenge the admittedly liberal Obama is troubling. As I’ve said here, the advantageous move in a two-party race is to stand just on the inside of your opponent politically. The Democrats left the middle unguarded with Obama; the GOP dropped the ball by handing out their nomination as a reward, proving that they really learned nothing from the Democrats in the 80s. It’s great to see two African-American candidates in a Senate race, but this thing has the potential to become the political equivalent of Kansas State’s non-conference football schedule. I can’t believe the GOP would make such a bizarre move.

SENZA APOLOGIA

God apparently decided that summer is over here in Wisconsin, but there’s a certain small person in my life who just loves the little park two blocks from our house, and chasing her around is a pretty good workout. So if you’re wondering where I’ve been all day, there’s your answer.

SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #4

Yep . . . it’s actually a little late, but here’s #4 in our ongoing series aimed at giuding the misguided, redirecting the misdirected, confusing the confusable, and so on.

postmodernist marital humor

Q: How is a spouse like a nominal vocalization of a deep meme?

A: In a post-structuralist modality, of course!

(Well, it’s funny in my culture of affiliation.)

resent photos of robert plant the singer

Deeply, I assure you.

kirk ferentz replace joe paterno psu

Unlikely. Paterno just signed a contract extension in Happy Valley, and why would Ferentz want to make such an unprecedented lateral move? Because I don’t care what you may think in Lionland, from Iowa City to State College certainly isn’t moving up. Not anymore, anyway.

krispy kreme smoothie recipe

2 Krispy Kreme donuts
1/2 cup whole milk

Place in blender and pulse until pulverized. Drink. Vomit.

who is the most likely to listen to lite rock music?

Anybody with an office job, if the TV commercials are to be believed. Why haven’t I ever seen a radio station promote themselves as “the station no one at work can agree on”?

jack white were you influenced by jeff buckley

I don’t know what you’re drinking, pal, but I don’t want any. Jack White is more influenced by Jeff Probst than Jeff Buckley.

goth marriage vows

Pretty much the same as regular marriage vows, except for the “until death do us unite” part.

martin luther’s stance on infant or adult baptism

All Lutheran churches save for a few Free Lutheran congregations practice infant baptism. “I have seen how every inclination of the human heart is evil” and all that, y’know? I mean, as soon as a child learns the words “no” and “mine” they’re quite capable of sin . . .

why cheating in college

Classwork cuts into the “gabbing mindlessly on Daddy’s cell phone” and “let’s try to get on The Real World” time.

the victors lyrics big ten

Fail! You are weak and heartless!
Fail! Maize and blue choke artists!
Fail! Fail! You lost again!
Your hype is a curse!

Fail! To the Big Ten trash-hill!
Fail! Book your flight for Nashville!
Fail! Fail! ‘Just wait ’til next year . . .’
. . . when we’ll beat you worse!

Well, that’s how they sing it in Iowa City, anyway.

franchione traitor

Oh, it’s been two years and two coaches. Get over it.

what s the singers name to letters to cleo

Kay Hanley.

common problems with a 1993 ford tempo

1. Ownership.
2. Inability to find someone willing to assume same.

i need current email address of 40 to 90 years old women unmarried 2004

Good. The ones that were current in 1997 probably wouldn’t do you much good. Best of luck selling that new miracle pill.

who are the comedians on vh1 a2z?

I’ve certainly never seen any.

how do the iowa hawkeyes stack up in the big ten

Third from the top, if you go alphabetically.

1998 cavalier improve acceleration

1. Go to your local auto parts store.
2. Acquire giant ‘FOR SALE’ sign.
3. Use proceeds to buy something faster, like a 1988 Hyundai Excel with bad spark plugs, three bald tires, and 150 pounds of Purina Dog Chow in the back.

how to tear a phone book

Move to a really, really small town. I once lived in a town so small the phone book had twenty matches inside it and “Can You Draw This Turtle?” on the back cover.

That one was pretty easy to tear.

PRESEASON INSIGNIFICA

If you’re one of the 27 people who get the NFL Network (thankfully, I am) you might occasionally catch the “NFL Matchup” ripoff Playbook. The host of that show is a fine sportscaster by the name of Paul Burmeister, who has an intersting episode in his background. In the late 1980s, Iowa Hawkeyes head coach Hayden Fry was getting pressure from boosters to play more Iowa kids at skill positions . . . seems he hadn’t started an Iowa native at QB since the 1980 Rose Bowl season, and Lon Olejniczak only got the starts because Pete Gales and Gordy Bohannon were injured. So Hayden set aside a scholarship for an Iowa-born QB and set out to find the best candidate. It came down to Burmeister (a home-grown Iowa City kid) and another candidate; Burmeister wound up getting the nod. He started one season (1994) for the Hawkeyes and also started in the very first Alamo Bowl. And the other quarterback, the one Hayden passed on?

That was Kurt Warner.