IT’S JUST A FANTASY

With the fantasy football season about to take flight, it’s time for TBP’s helpful hints for the budding fake manager. Unlike my totally ignorant basketball predictions, I do have a little credibility here. This will be my fifth season of fantasy ball, and last year I won my first league championship. I don’t guarantee results, but here’s what I’ve learned in four years of fantasy football.

SETUP CONSIDERATIONS

• You know what’s more important than getting your pre-rankings in order and TiVoing that goshawful show on Fox Sports Net with Jerry Glanville? Learning your league’s scoring system. Maybe return yards don’t count in your league. Maybe long field goals are worth more than chip shots. Remember: the point of drafting a fantasy team is not to draft the best overall players; the point is to draft the team that gets you the most points week-to-week. How are you going to do that if you don’t know how you get points in your league?
• When naming your team, remember that, generally speaking, teams with names like “The Bonecrushers” or “The Bloodletters” usually wind up starting Trent Dilfer at QB and finish the season 2-10. Try a little reverse psychology. My championship team last year was the Fighting Amish; I’ve recycled that name this year for one of my leagues. In the other two leagues I’m in, my teams are the Grounds Crew and the Shivering Kittens.
• Oh, and don’t be afraid to change your team name midseason if you get on a hot or cold streak. The biggest advantage you can get as a fantasy player is to go up against an opponent who has no idea who you are.

DRAFTING

• You need two things in front of you during your draft: your pre-rankings and a list of bye weeks. There’s nothing worse than landing two great players at a desirable position only to find out that they’re both off the same week and you’re stuck hoping Brett Favre and Doug Pederson suffer unfortunate mishaps on the way to Lambeau because you’re forced to start Tim Couch. Remember: you’re looking for maximum points, not the best collection of players.
• There are those who will tell you that, if you don’t get one of the top five running backs, you have no chance of winning any league. These people are buffoons. My championship team last year had Troy Hambrick and Duce Staley at running back. Getting LaDanian Tomlinson is nice, but all is not lost if you’re stuck with, say, Onterrio Smith.
• Try to get a QB/#1 WR combo. Peyton Manning/Marvin Harrison is nice, but even David Carr/Chad Johnson will get you 14 points on every touchdown pass.
• QBs to avoid this year: Rich Gannon/Kerry Collins; Philip Rivers/Drew Brees; Kurt Warner/Eli Manning. See a pattern? Don’t spend a high pick on a QB unless you know he’ll start all 16 games if he’s healthy.
• When drafting defenses, consider the competition. Do you really want to take an AFC South defense, knowing that they’ll get lit up by Peyton Manning twice? My pick for top defense this year is Philly, since there’s only one good QB in their division, and they’ve got him.
• There are 3.5 tight ends worth spending a draft pick on (Winslow, Gonzalez, Heap, and [insert name here]), and maybe two kickers. If you draft a kicker, try to pick one on a team with a dreadful offense. Red zone futility = fantasy gold for that team’s kicker. It’s what’s made Matt Stover a household name among fantasy players.
• Don’t ignore kickoff returners on teams with dreadful defenses. I call this the Mar-Tay Jenkins rule, after the Arizona kick returner who was good for 11 points a week, since he always returned seven or eight kickoffs a game.
• Don’t draft Fred Taylor, ever. If you really want him, you’ll be able to pick him up in week four for Chad Hutchinson and half a Twix bar from whatever fool didn’t read this web page.
• Do draft the backup to any fragile porcelain running back with a huge upside, however. I felt real smart taking Lamar Gordon a couple years ago, knowing that Mike Martz only knows one offense.
• Everybody knows Drew Bledsoe is nearing his “SELL BY” date. But so is Marshall Faulk.

DURING THE SEASON

• You may safely assume that any trade proposed to you is the worst sort of screw job. That goes just as well for the ones you propose.
• Never be the first to set your lineup for the week–let the other person move first, then try to estimate what their points will be.
• Use a bogus lineup if you have to in order to get your opponent to set his or her lineup–especially if you smell blood. For all they know, you just might start Amos Zereoue against the Ravens defense.
• Don’t start any running back against Baltimore, in fact. But do start your defense against them, especially since Jamal Lewis is in the deep weeds right now.
• But the safest defensive plays this season are Baltimore v. anybody (especially with Carson Palmer and Ben Roethlisberger coming on board and facing them twice), or anybody v. Miami.
• One of your star players is going to get injured in the first six weeks of the season. This is as predictable as a Ted Rall cartoon–and demands the same level of surprise. If it doesn’t happen to you first, offer a lopsided trade to the person who just lost 70% of their planned offense.
• If it does happen to you first, shop around your wounded star–somebody might take a flyer that they’ll be back for the playoffs.
• Remember: Even in the NFL, a 10-6 season is considered almost great. But it’s only two games above .500. You may not run the table, but you can win a league starting from a low spot. Last season, the Fighting Amish were in the #7 slot.