HEADLINE OF THE YEAR

It’s not dirty, or even suggestive, but there’s something hilarious about reading the words “Remnants of stolen clown car found”.

I think there’s no need to build a clown car out of an old lawn mower, however, when Chevy will sell you one of these.

TALK ABOUT YOUR BAD SIGNS

You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you walk into Starbucks and the girl behind the counter says, “Hey, I saw you at Applebee’s Tuesday night!” . . . and she’s right.

PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN: LABOR DAY WEEKEND EDITION

Those of us who, of necessity, must work Sunday mornings don’t wanna hear about you and your precious “long weekends.” I’ve worked 93 of the last 95 Sundays, and I’ll be on the job by 7:30 Sunday morning. But, since it is a holiday weekend, and the NFL needs the day off to make some personnel decisions, there’s college football sprawled out all over the place. Some of the games involve Big Ten teams; there is the possibility that two of these games could be played closer than ten points. Otherwise, these are the tickets you give to the paperboy. But, hey, somebody’s gotta pick these games, and here I am.

Northwestern @ TCU

A year ago this would’ve been a pretty good game, and this will be the only Big Ten matchup to feature two bowl teams from 2003. TCU returns most of its offense, but nearly all of its category-killing ‘03 defense is gone. Northwestern, however, has lost its rushing game almost entirely, and wasn’t much to write about defensively. I don’t see a good eve in the offing for the Wildcats. TCU should rack up the points fairly easily.

MORE LUCKY THAN GOOD 13
LT2 U 34

Central Florida @ Wisconsin

After a summer that was one of the nicest autumns I can remember, Florida’s weather got to Wisconsin just a day in advance of George O’Leary’s team. The Badgers will miss RB Duane Smith, whose career has been ended by an enlarged heart. Otherwise, everything’s in place for UW. O’Leary’s going to win a MAC title within the next three years, but he will lose his first game here, and fairly handily at that. Mike Kruczek didn’t even leave enough for a fictional football team.

AGENTS OF REDEMPTION 9
WILLY STREET WEIRDOS 27

Fake Miami @ Michigan

I’m tempted to say the RedHawks looked good last week beating up on Indiana State, but let’s face it: the violin section of the Terre Haute Symphony Orchestra could probably beat the Sycamores. So let’s not get too excited–this is a rebuilding MAC team against a squad that’s in everybody’s top 5, more or less. Michigan’s going to run so far away in this game that Miami’s only hope will be that there’s a disgruntled defrocked priest in the stands.

BEN WHO? 3
JON WHO? 49

Cincinnati @ Ohio State

tOSU is looking mortal these days, what with all the changes on both sides of the ball, but the Bearcats don’t pose enough of a threat to cause Buckeye fans any heartburn. UC will score a few, but there’s just not enough in their cupboard.

FIVE-WAY, NO BEANS 13
GEE, WE WERE GREAT LAST YEAR 34

Kent State @ Iowa

Pete Fiutak of College Football News has Iowa as a dark-horse national title contender. That’s silly, but they’ll probably look like it in this game. They’d better, anyway.

DREW CAREY U. 0
HAWKPOCALYPSE NOW 31

Akron @ Penn State

This is one of the two possibly good games involving Big Ten teams this weekend. Akron is ascending (but rebuilding) while the Nits are getting dizzier. These teams haven’t met since a 70-24 blowout five years ago, and if I was coaching Akron, I’d be hitting that angle hard. I still don’t think you can bet against JoePa in a dogfight with an evenly matched opponent . . . it’s just that now there aren’t as many evenly-matched opponents as there used to be for the Nittany Lions. PSU, but this one’s gonna be a nailbiter.

CITY OF RUBBER 21
KNEES OF RUBBER 24

Michigan State @ Rutgers

Greg Schiavo has Rutgers on the move in the moribund Big East, where everything else has been on the move lately. Many football pundits are giving the Scarlet Knights an outside shot at winning the conference, even. Michigan State, meanwhile, is essentially re-establishing itself on offense, while their defense may continue to necessitate plenty of nitroglycerin refills in Lansing. This one could be interesting, but honestly, I think Rutgers is still a year away from winning games like these.

JOLLY GREEN GIANTS 28
JUST WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR . . . WHOOPS, WRONG SCHOOL! 17

Florida A&M @ Illinois

Amazingly, there’s no home-and-home in this series.

BLOWN AWAY TWICE IN ONE WEEKEND 0
HOW IS THIS SEASON LIKE A HURRICANE? 54

Central Michigan @ Indiana

MACrifice this: the Chippewas hired Brian Kelly this off-season, fresh off back-to-back Division II titles at Grand Valley State. Kelly is a major candidate to become the next Urban Meyer, and a win over IU–bottom-feeders though the Hoosiers are–would send a message to the rest of the MAC that the balance of power is shifting. Can it happen? IU’s still starting LoVecchio at QB, so anything is possible.

CATCH A RISING STAR 24
NOT EVEN A BASKETBALL SCHOOL ANY MORE 20

Toledo @ Minnesota

This is the other game with potential–Toledo came on strong last year, and the Gophers are less of a team then they were a year ago. Sure, the Rodents will run the ball all over God’s green earth, but Toledo can put points on the board–something the Gophers have had trouble preventing for, oh, the last decade or so. Played in front of the usual UM crowd of 38 people without cable, I’m saying the Rodents’ ‘04 season gets off to a distinctly bitter start.

NO KLINGER JOKES, PLEASE 31
NO TUTORING JOKES, PLEASE 28

Syracuse @ Purdue

While the Cuse will be a good enough team to save Paul Pasqualoni’s job (again), even uber-back Walter Reyes can’t do the job alone. Purdue can move the ball on almost anyone, and while the defense is depleted, all the understudies got to learn from some masterful players. I still believe in the Boilermakers’ chances this year, and I don’t see this game changing my mind very much.

HVAC 16
LOGISTICS 41

Next week:

Central Michigan @ Michigan State: 2 in a row for B. Kelly? I doubt it
Arizona State @ Northwestern: Just softening them up for the Hawkeyes
UNLV @ Wisconsin: Remember last year? UW certainly does
UCLA @ Illinois: Look away, look away
Iowa State @ Iowa: Suddenly, it’s 1985 all over again
Ball State @ Purdue: Only two good teams in Indiana square off
Illinois State @ Minnesota: Disgusting
Michigan @ Notre Dame: Remember, NBC paid to show this
Marshall @ Ohio State: MU beat a top 10 team last year . . .
Indiana @ Oregon: All the MAC teams were booked, I guess
Penn State @ Boston College: Doug Flutie may start