PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, WEEK 2

Last week PotB10 went 9-2, which is appalling for the first-week gimmes. Indiana surprised everybody by outplaying a team ripe for I-AA relegation (remember, last year they struggled against Indiana State, which already is in I-AA), while Sparty surprised everybody who didn’t watch the La Thecque game last year by losing to Rutgers.

Rutgers.

Meanwhile, Penn State showed a little old-school domination by pasting Akron to the wall (48-10, and it wasn’t that close). Otherwise, the games went pretty much as I called them, apart from Northwestern taking TCU down to the wire before remembering that they were Northwestern, and the other team was TCU. So what’s on tap for this week in the nation’s most hurricane-proof major conference? Let’s take a look!

UCLA @ ILLINOIS

The Illini were mighty impressive last week beating up on a I-AA team at home while the Bruins were getting their keisters handed to them by Oklahoma State. Perhaps the Illini will have their confidence back for this game. Perhaps they should remember that last season, they also beat up on a I-AA team in their first game, then fell off the table. UCLA is a long-distance call from a good football team, but the Illini are far enough away they’d have to communicate via talking
drum.

THESE PANTS DON’T MATCH MY HANDBAG 27
IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED 14

INDIANA @ OREGON

While the Hoosiers were efficient in spoiling Brian Kelly’s debut at Central Michigan, playing the Ducks in Autzen is a slightly larger task, in the sense that an astronomical unit is slightly larger than an angstrom.

I’M OUT OF BASKETBALL JOKES 0
FASHION, YOUR TIMING’S ALL WRONG 44

IOWA STATE @ IOWA

For once, the Big Ten team in this game ISN’T the one coming off an impressive but utterly fraudulent win over a I-AA team. ISU shut down a rebuilding Northern Iowa team last week, while the Hawks put the brake job on the perenially-rebuilding Golden Flashes of Drew (Carey) U. Look, everybody knows these teams are about as evenly matched as bachelor-pad furniture, but this is a rivalry game. Ne’ertheless, ISU will be lucky to get 50 yards of rushing against Iowa’s D, and Drew Tate should be able to pick apart the iffy Cyclopath secondary, provided somebody remembers to give him Gatorade before the game. I’m dooming my Hawks to failure by making this prediction, but this should be easy skanking for the black and gold.

WILL THE DEFENDANT PLEASE RISE? 10
SATAN THIS WEEK, THE DEVILS NEXT 38

MICHIGAN @ NOTRE DAME

Michigan frequently looked flat against Fake Miami, but ND’s only hope is that Ivan will take a wrong turn on the way to Jamaica and this game will get postponed until some time when they have a chance to win it, like maybe 2013.

ALMOST AS GOOD AS WE THINK WE ARE 56
SADLY, WE’RE OVERACHIEVING 6

CENTRAL MICHIGAN @ MICHIGAN STATE

Lots of seats on the Brian Kelly Greatness Express. More seats available on the John L. Smith Greatness Express than there were last week at this time. CMU lost to Indiana last week, which ordinarily would guarantee a Spartan victory. But MSU lost to Rutgers last week, which ordinarily would guarantee a Chippewa victory. Unfortunately, “ordinary” isn’t the word to describe what Sparty’s going to do to CMU.

GHOST OF DAN MAJERLE 0
GHOST OF AN 8-3 SEASON 66

ILLINOIS STATE @ MINNESOTA

Cui bono?

[placeholder] 0
WE’RE GREAT AS LONG AS WE DON’T PLAY ANYBODY 63

ARIZONA STATE @ NORTHWESTERN

Is NU lucky or good? They’ve got the #1 pass offense in the nation right now, which is sort of like leading the New York Marathon after 38 feet. ASU is recovering from last year’s hype implosion; they will probably settle down and have a good season. NU’s offense may give them some heartburn, but I don’t think the outcome of this game is in doubt.

UNDERWOOD 34
UNDERRATED? 17

MARSHALL @ OHIO STATE

Aw, c’mon, if Marshall lost to Troy State last week, what chance do they have against the Bucks this week?

CRADLE OF QUARTERBACKS 12
GRAVE OF MAC TEAMS 41

PENN STATE @ BOSTON COLLEGE

JoePa’s squad looked awesome against Akron last week, while BC lost to Ball State. The Big East is gonna be real entertaining this year, I figure. Penn State may sneak back into the top 25 after this one.

WE’RE BACK, SORTA 31
HAIL FLUTIE 21

BALL STATE @ PURDUE

Nice job by BSU last week, but Purdue just looked frightening.

MEATY, MUNCIE, BIG AND BOUNCY 14
WHO ARE YOU? 47

UNLV @ WISCONSIN

Revenge factor 40.

WE BET AGAINST OURSELVES 9
WE LIKE OURSELVES 43

Next week: