SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #5

If it’s the late-middle of the month, it must be time for the living anti-404, the Search Engine Answer Guy. Give me your tired, your poorly-parsed, your befuddled masses yearning to download free bad music . . .

Since there’s maybe one or two of you who haven’t read SEAG before, let me tell you how this works: Like every blogger, I get a bunch of throughly bizarre search phrases cropping up in my referral logs on a regular basis. I could just post them here and let you get a kick out of the messed-up things people search for, the lost causes they champion, the astounding inability to spell simple words like “picture” or “greatest”–but no. I have too much love for my fellow man to do that. Instead of just mocking these beknighted individuals, I’ve decided to try helping them instead by answering their queries the best I know how.

Of course, if my answers inadvertently make a mockery of the original request, all that stuff about peace and goodwill still applies, right? Right. On with this month’s inquiries!

ford tempo won’t start in park?

It’s been my experience that, in fact, they won’t start in the driveway or the garage, either.

cheap tickets to nebraska huskers

Generally, on Sunday mornings, tickets to the previous day’s game are available at a substantial discount.

muskrat jokes
jokes about dennis franchione

Why don’t muskrats eat Bama fans? They’re just too bitter.

wine made with juicy juice

Got a six-year-old’s birthday party coming up, eh?

what is a political endorsement

It’s somebody who can’t think providing justification for those who won’t.

comeback stirrup-pants

Crimony, we’re just getting over all the weird-looking torsoes getting exposed, and you wanna bring back clothes that accentuate bad legs? What is wrong with this world? Can’t we all just wear carpenter pants and XXL t-shirts and get on with our lives?

chicago sports bears team needlepoint

Considering how they stuck it to the Packers today, perhaps they have been practicing the textile arts.

most christians are hypocrites

Most? Try all. Some people even think this is a bad thing.

what side of the road is even address

There is no definite rule for this. Our last two houses have both been on the west side of north-south roads; one was even-numbered, and the other was odd. Sadly, there’s still no substitute for looking at the numbers on houses.

why didn t amos zereoue play in sundays game

Uhh . . . you do know he’s not with the Steelers any more, right?

puffy cheetos

Get off my web page, you freak.

someday we ll know about milwaukee?

At the rate human knowledge is expanding, this seems all but inevitable. Yes, someday we’ll all know about Milwaukee.

what is wrong with gutierrez michigan

Lloyd Carr is calling plays for him.

theme park rules that people hate

That whole “no spitting from the top of the ferris wheel” thing has always been a major buzzkill to me.

the name of the next pixar motion picture coming out in late 2004

We Know You Have A Small Child, So Just Hand Over Your Wallet

michigan wolverines instrumental fight song notes

“Hail To The Victors” is a totally diatonic melody in the Locrian mode. Don’t ask me why I remember this; I just do. I got a C-minus in music theory when I was a freshman in college. I got an A in accounting, but do you think I can balance a checkbook?

gender differences in shampoo marketing

Women will stand in the aisle for seven or eight minutes, carefully reading the list of ingredients and trying to recall what one of their friends told them worked really well for limp hair like she’s got. They will smell every different brand, trying to find something that won’t clash with their shower gel, body mist, or hand lotion. If they’re not convinced–absolutely convinced–that they’ve found the right product, they will move on to a different store, maybe even several of them, and if they still can’t find the right shampoo, they’ll go to the salon and ask their hairdresser’s advice.

Men buy Pert Plus, because it’s always on sale.