PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, WEEK 4

Since Jim Rome’s been on vacation all week, I’m sure there’s lots of clones out there anxious for a taste of his unique gloss. Therefore, I am departing with tradition (you’re going to pick the games correctly?–ed.) and presenting the first-ever special tribute edition of PotB10 . . . A SALUTE TO JIM ROME!

“What is up? Great to talk with you. You might want to get in early today, because we. Are. Loaded. Coming up at the bottom of the first hour, Illini coach Ron Turner, fresh off that big win over Western Michigan. Also coming in for some Jungle Karma today are Minnesota running back Marion Barber III and, while I don’t wanna jinx it, there’s a chance that Buckeye coach Jim Tressel may stop by.

“Now, about those Iowa . . . CHOKE-eyes. I don’t wanna say that that was the most pathetic performance I’ve ever seen from a top-15 team, but you just cannot. Lose. On the road. To Arizona State. I don’t wanna take anything away from Dirk Koetter’s team, cause he’s a jungle guy, but where was Iowa’s offense? The last time I saw a performance that weak, it was Carl Lewis singing the national anthem.”

(REALLY OLD TAPE) “Annnd the rocket’s (*choke*) red glare!”

“Sorry, Hawkeye fan, but don’t bother signing for the new RV with the Hawkeye logo on the back, because you. Are. Done. That team’s not gonna be playing anywhere over the holidays.”

“Dear Jim:

“Quit picking on the Iowa offense. I thought they were great.

“Sincerely, Jeff Garcia”

“OK, clones, you can quit sending me that e-mail. I don’t wanna hear from Jeff Garcia, I don’t wanna hear from Ryan Leaf, I don’t wanna hear from the 2001 Bengals, I don’t wanna hear from France. Stop. Sending me. Those e-mails.”

PURDUE @ ILLINOIS

“News flash: K-Ort is the real deal. I don’t know why Purdue should be Quarterback U, but it is.”

(eight-second pause)

“You’d better get used to it.

“Of course, it’s not like they’ve played anybody yet. Syracuse, Ball State, The Ray Charles Institute, and that art school that advertises on the back of matchbooks. That’s who Purdue has played so far. So don’t go making them into the ‘01 Sooners just yet. They still haven’t played anybody.

“They’re not going to this week, either. I’m going with Purdue.”

BEER AND A BUMP 44
YOU CAN’T HIDE YOUR ILLINI 6

MICHIGAN STATE @ INDIANA

“Meanwhile, WHAT is UP in East Lansing? There’s no way that that’s a 1-2 team. Sure, they lost Jeff SMOKER, and a bunch of guys on the defense, but come on. You have to get over on Ty Willingham in your own house.

“I just don’t think that this Spartan team is a very good football team right now.

“But how does Indiana lose to Kentucky? Especially now that the Wildcats have a normal-sized quarterback.

“I can’t believe ABC didn’t make this a Game of the Week. I don’t know who to go with, but maybe Indiana’s tremendous home-field advantage will come through for them.

“Oh, by the way, in case you couldn’t tell, I was joking. Sparty’s gonna roll.”

GANG GREEN 34
GANGRENE 13

IOWA @ MICHIGAN

“Both these teams are oversold. Iowa’s a fraud, and Michigan just isn’t Michigan right now. I don’t know, but I heard a rumor that Lloyd Carr is thinking about installing the single wing for this game. Break out the leather helmets, break out the co-eds in raccoon coats, fire up your Hupmobile and head for Ann Arbor this weekend, so you can see Michigan bring its offense into the twentieth century.

“Iowa’s defense is actually pretty good, but it doesn’t matter. Michigan will get over on the Chokeyes . . . why? Because they’re Michigan . . . and they’re on the ayuh . . . more often than Leave It To BEAVAAAAAHHHH! reruns.”

CLIPPED WINGS 10
NOT QUITE AS GOOD AS WE THOUGHT WE WERE 19

NORTHWESTERN @ MINNESOTA

“I want you clones to listen to me: Minnesota is the real deal. It doesn’t matter that their defense isn’t that great, it doesn’t matter that their QB doesn’t have experience, it doesn’t matter that they play all of their home games inside a Glad Bag in front of 38 people, that team can run the football, and Glen Mason, are you kidding me? All he does is win football games.

“Well, not bowl games, but come on. He’s pretty not too bad of a football coach.”

“Dear Jim:

“Can I watch the Gophers inside a Glad bag? It would be better than this cardboard box I’m living in.

“Sincerely, Silk”

“Nate in La Jolla, that’s hilarious. Anyway, if Northwestern couldn’t shut down TCU, they won’t shut down the Gophers, who I am going to guess will run for about 3,000 yards in this game. It will be over in less time than it takes for your dog to freeze to the fire hydrant in Minneapolis in January.”

53rd AIR FORCE 17
9th INFANTRY DIVISION 38

PENN STATE @ WISCONSIN

“We go to Ron on a car phone in the ‘Burgh. Ron, welcome to the jungle.”

“Thanks for the vine, Romey.” (In a halting, nervous voice) “I am so sick of people hating on Joe Paterno. The man IS Penn State football, and you just can’t say what he has meant to us Lion fans, and to that university.”

(turns over cocktail napkin)

“Everybody says that the game’s passed him by, but you know what? He helped make the game what it is. People just need to lay off Paterno. He’s had a few bad years, but what coach hasn’t? He’ll get it turned around, just give him time. Rack me, I’m out.”

“‘Just give him time’? Dude, no offense, but Joe Paterno is a hundred and six FREAKING years old. He’s not gonna turn it around.”

“Dear Jim:

“Sure, I’ve had a few bad years, but what coach hasn’t? Just give me a few years, and I’ll get it turned around.

“Sincerely, Mike Price”

“I am not sold on Wisconsin as a Big Ten contender, but you know what? Camp Randall is insane. I like Bucky in this one.”

NUMBER 1 IN THE AARP POLL 14
WE ONLY HAVE EYE FOR YOU, A.D. 26

Next week:

• Michigan @ Indiana: Six Characters In Search Of An Offense
• Michigan State @ Iowa: Look Homeward, Spartan
• Penn State @ Minnesota: The Lion In Winter
• Ohio State @ Northwestern: The Gulag Archigriffago
• Purdue @ Notre Dame: The Plower and the Glory
• Illinois @ Wisconsin: The Decline and Fall of the Turner Reich