POST-DEBATE METAPOST

I think it’s obvious that [my preferred candidate] won.

A CHALLENGE FOR NON-SWING BLOGGERS

As you go about your debate blogging tonight, I challenge you–no, make that dare you–to say nice things about the candidate you’re not going to vote for.

PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, WEEK 5

Wow. Last week’s Roman excursus produced a 5-0 record, though to be fair, picking last week’s Big Ten games was like picking the results of a Wile E. Coyote/Road Runner cartoon, without the little pink parasol. Seriously, I should channel other personalities more often.

With one whole week down in the Big Ten season, it’s obvious that the conference is weaker than Baptist coffee. There isn’t a truly dominant team emerging (stifle it, Boilers and Gophers; we’ll discuss your impending woe anon), but most teams sure have revealed an impressive array of flaws so far.

First off, my own team, the Hawkeyes. Drew Tate’s got the worst case of Happy Feet this side of Steve Martin, while the rest of the team is playing with a level of discipline that would get my wife’s preschool class extra naptime. Seriously, if you want to wow your friends, just watch an Iowa game, and every time the Hawks gain 10 yards or more, say, “This’ll be called back for holding.” They’ll think you’re psychic, or John Madden, or something.

Meanwhile, the Boilers struggled to finish off an Illinois team that doesn’t scare anyone but Ron Turner’s real estate agent, and Minnesota’s special teams are just waiting to lose a close game for them, assuming the Shiny Rats ever find themselves in a close one.

And everybody who does not think that Ohio State’s going to lose at least two conference games this year, speak up.

(sound of crickets, kookaburra in the distance)

Yeah, that’s what I thought. And then there’s Michigan, dear Michigan, where the real question must be “just how bad is Matt Gutierrez, anyway? And did all the running backs in Michigan decide to commit to Western or something?” Plus the secondary seems bound and determined to prove me wrong when I called them “possibly the best secondary in the country” in my season preview. Unless by “country” I meant “Gabookistan,” then clearly, I was wrong.

As for the rest of the Johnny-Come-Notlys and ne’ershowups, well, somebody in this conference has togets to play in Detroit in mid-December. Otherwise, who is Northern Illinois going to beat? Fresno State? Troy?

Let’s get to the games, though I must warn you, this week’s slate is every bit as leaf-raking-friendly as last week’s.

MICHIGAN @ INDIANA

The Wolverines have to be feeling pretty good after last week’s revenge-taking against Iowa. Meanwhile, Indiana was comfortably pummeling Sparty right up to the moment that a ‘93 Nebraska game broke out. Now, with the honor of Mishawaka on the line, these two titans clash in a game whose implications reverberate like ripples across the pond of college football history. And now, ‘neath the Golden Dome, under the watchful eye of Touchdown Jesus . . .

Oh. Wrong school. This is actually just another contractual obligation game. Michigan isn’t exactly great, but until the Hoosiers can string four good quarters together, this game is Tecmo Bowl Raiders v. Patriots.

HENNE PORT IN A STORM 38
HOW GREEN-ELLIS WAS MY BENJARVUS 10

MICHIGAN STATE @ IOWA

Lost in all of last weekend’s fooferaw was the unique distinction Sparty garnered for himself last week: Gang Green became one of the very few Big Ten teams in recent memory to pull off a 10-point, come-from-behind win over Indiana.

Honestly, I can’t believe ESPN didn’t make a bigger deal out of that.

“John L. Smith” (if that is his real name) has turned to the option, the last, desperate gasp of a coach who has suddenly realized he doesn’t have any skill at the skill positions on offense. While the Hawkeyes are a long, long way from an above-average football team, nobody questions their front seven, and I doubt that Sparty’s Huskerization will help them much in Kinnick Stadium.

STOPPED FOR NO GAIN 12
15 YARDS FOR ILLEGAL USE OF ADJECTIVES 17

PENN STATE @ MINNESOTA

Can JoePa buy himself seven days without “hang it up” talk? Does any other coach go from geezer to genius on a semi-weekly basis? Will the Nits recover from their catastrophic quarterback problems? And does any of this matter when not even FermiLab could figure out Minnesota’s zone blocking schemes?

To wit: Marion Barber III, overrated. Laurence Moroney, rated about right. The Gopher O-line, better than at least two NFL teams that I can think of. For once, the rodent gets the cat.

JOEPA’S GARAGE 16
HOT RATS 33

OHIO STATE @ NORTHWESTERN

I said tOSU would lose two conference games. I never said one of them would be this week.

GUT CLASSES = As 28
BRETT BASANEZ 7

PURDUE @ NOTRE DAME

If there’s gonna be a good game in the conference this week, this’ll be it. Who’da thunk northern Indiana would produce the two feel-good stories of the college football season? Kyle Orton is putting up Heisman numbers every week, while the Boiler defense is proving much stouter than anyone anticipated. Meanwhile, Ty Willingham might–might–be having the kind of third year that separates the great ND coaches from the MAC defensive coordinators. So how to pick? I love Purdue this season, but there’s something about this Irish team that seems much greater than the sum of its parts. I say ND wins it, but it is going to be close, and if the Irish defense flinches at all, this will be the wrongest pick of the year.

ATOMIC BARBECUE 31
NUCLEAR LEPRECHAUNS 34

ILLINOIS @ WISCONSIN

Anthony Davis returns for the Badgers, which disappoints the UW geology departments, which was using Matt “The Kangaroo” Bernstein to calibrate its seismographs. But fear not; geologists will be needed to authenticate the age of the last good Illini team.

YOU WOULDN’T LIKE VEGAS, FRANK 0
YOU WOULDN’T LIKE FRANK, VEGAS 20

Next week:

• Minnesota @ Michigan: Who says there’s no conference title game in the Big Ten?
• Illinois @ Michigan State: Why ask why?
• Indiana @ Northwestern: A trip to Detroit is on the line
• Wisconsin @ Ohio State: This could be one of the two for tOSU
• Purdue @ Penn State: Tiller is going to make JoePa’s defense look older than he is