PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, WEEK 6

The great minds at TBP’s Department of Philosophical Pathology (and trust me, I have no trouble finding plenty of qualified philopaths) have decided it’s time to revive another dead idea from the past: namely, the late, semi-lamented Fairness Doctrine. You see, I originally wanted to invite John Kerry to pick this week’s games since, after all, football fans have been a little bit on his case lately. But TBP is nothing if not fair and balanced; I am capable of condescending to many different viewpoints simultaneously, after all. So my crack squad of philopaths has convinced me to make this an equal-opportunity platform for both parties’ candidates to speak on the one issue America really cares about this fall: Big Ten football.

Of course, after last week, when the only reason I beat a coin flip was because there was an odd number of games, I’m willing to let just about anybody pick the games this week. So we’ll stage these picks in debate format, and, in keeping with the trends I’ve noted so far, most of these “questions” will be thinly-veiled statements of fact. I will, of course, serve as your moderator for this evening’s debate.

Me: “Thank you, President Bush and Senator Kerry, for agreeing to take part in tonight’s debate. We all know that the American people long to know where the two of you stand on important issues such as the West Coast offense and the wisdom of the safety blitz in a 3rd-and-7 situation. We begin tonight with a question about domestic expansionary policy; namely, in the Minnesota at Michigan game, will the Michigan defense be able to keep the Gopher running backs from running all the way from Ann Arbor to Port Huron. Mr. President, what say you?”

GWB: “The question for millions of the American people tonight is, ‘Are there more to life than just blocking defensive tacklers?’. And I think the answer, if we each of us look deep into his or her hearts, is a qualified ‘maybe.’ None of us knows what can happen when dangerous ideologues such as Lloyd Carr discover the vertical passing game. It’s very important to understand that when the passing game goes vertical, your passing yardages tends to go up. If Michigan can maintain the pressure of the international community on the weak point of the Minnesota secondary, we will watch freedom spread like kudzu after a winter shower.”

Me: “Thank you, Mr. President. Senator?”

JFK, but not that JFK: “Once again, we see how this administration consistently gets things wrong. When I was in Vietnam, we had air superiority. There was no challenge. But we didn’t have enought troops on the ground, and the troops we did have were constrained. Consequently, I think you can become so overconfident in the ability of the passing game to get you that quick fix of points that you fail to realize that ‘he who controls the ground, controls the clock, and he who controls the clock, controls the game.’ There is simply no way that Michigan can contain the Minnesota rushing attack acting alone without the support of its allies. That’s why I like Michigan in this game.”

MUCH WORSE THAN YOU THOUGHT WE WERE 24
ALMOST AS GOOD AS WE THINK WE ARE 31

Me: “We move on now to the question of poverty. There’s no question that Illinois at Michigan State represents a major credibility gap for the Big Ten’s claim to be an elite football conference. Gentlemen, what hope can you offer to the fans of at least one of these teams?”

GWB: “Redefining the role of one’s football players from enablers to failure to score touchdowns, to failure to enable the enablers to score touchdowns from those who have been enabled to fail to prevent touchdowns, is not a minor undertasking. Both these coaches are true American patriots with the pull-myself-up-by-your-bootstraps mentality. So we can’t say, not at least with any definicity, that either team must lose this game. If you are free and you are American, you have not been defeated. I want it to be said that more and fewer Americans have been defeated under this administration than any previous one which was prior to us. However, I think the Spartacans will with this game.”

Me: “Senator, how do you react to that?”

JFK, but not that JFK: “I think I’d like to read the English translation before I comment any further.

“When I was in Vietnam, I couldn’t help but admire the plucky determination of Duffy Daugherty’s great Spartan teams. Actually, I also admired the great Illini teams of the same time, with players like Dick Boutros-Ghali. So I think there’s a lot to like about both teams.

“I think this comes down to a question of trust, and which team has been tested the most globally. Naturally, I think that matchup favors the Spartans.

“Various statistical measures will confirm that Michigan State has faced more difficult opponents than Illinois has. In fact, every team which has defeated the Spartans has had to bring its ‘A’ game to do so. Exceptions to this rule? There are none.

“Now, don’t go assuming that the Illini have no chance in this game. ‘Any given Saturday’ and all that–Ohio State learned taht the hard way last week. Michigan State just has an overally higher talent level, though.”

FRANK SOLICH: MORE URBANA THAN VEGAS 13
STILL IN THE RUNNING FOR DETROIT 27

Me: “Excellent points, the both of you. Now we turn our attention to the issue of developing nations, which calls to mind the Indiana at Northwestern game. Events of recent days have suggested that, in fact, Northwestern may be developing more rapidly than anyone anticipated. Meanwhile, Indiana seems mired in a death-spiral of mediocrity, with their shocking road upset of Oregon looking like a once-in-a-lifetime lucky shot. What will the two of you do to help developing nations develop, and what will you do when, like Indiana, their development seems to falter?”

GWB: “Of course this administration is committed to being good global citizens of the world. So we cannot look past seemedly insignificant conflicts like this one between two rogue nations. Where the loser of tomorrow. We cannot allow that sort of hatred to put the American people at risk. We must act pre-emptively before either Indiana or Northwestern puts the weapons of mass disappointment in the hand of terrorists.”

Me: “Uhh . . . anyway, Senator Kerry, could you actually pick the game?”

JFK, but not that JFK: “First, I want the American people to understand something. Listen to me very carefully, because the administration has been distorting my viewpoint on this. I have made it abundantly clear that I admit confirming my non-denial of the devious misassertion that I did not disavow never admitting that I didn’t deny claiming that, when I made a caveat to my prediction that Northwestern would not be unimproved relative to Indiana’s continuing negative ascent towards the top of the bottom of the league, I did not specifically have this game in mind, though it was not far removed from my consciousness. Frankly, I’m tired of my position on this being mischaracterized.”

INDIANA 12
NORTHWESTERN 34

(For once, I was so stunned I couldn’t come up with snide names for the teams. I mean, wow.)

Me: “Now we turn our minds to the matter of defense, an issue close to the hearts of the voters in the swing states of Wisconsin at Ohio State. Based on his stunning performance far, would either of you consider making Wisconsin defensive coordinator Bret Bielema your Secretary of Defense?”

GWB: “I’ve been quite pleased with General Powell’s performance as Defense. As my father always said, ‘Don’t change horses when you’re already across the water.’ We are winning the war and we are winning the peace. We are winning pieces of the peace, but the only piece of the peace that I really and the Iraqi people ought to be interested in is the piece of the peace that has the whole peace and nothing but the piece, because a piece of peace isn’t peace at all unless you have the whole piece of peace. Defense is important. If you don’t have a good defense, you may give up more points than you score, and usually, the side that does the better job of scoring more points than they give up will win the game. If Wisconsin has a good defense, then they ought to win the game, assuming they convert on opportunities to score more points than they give up.”

Me: “Talk about ‘the peace that passeth all understanding.’ Senator?”

JFK, but not that JFK: “Vietnam taught me that all the defense in the world can’t cover for a lack of offense, that your defense can only fail one time less than your offense does. And you can’t underestimate the desire of people to protect their homeland. Nobody will fight more passionately to defend your land than you will, which is why it’s important to build a global consensus before acting unilaterally. Wisconsin is under the delusion that their strong defense will be enough, but I say: ‘Where is that one point you need going to come from’? I don’t think Wisconsin’s offense is strong enough to crack a good-but-not-great Buckeye defense, which is why I like the Badgers in this one.”

CORNEA THAN A HENNY YOUNGMAN MONOLOGUE 10
HORSESHOES BRING LUCK 13

(Hey, sometimes you just don’t agree with either candidate. I think. I mean, I’m pretty sure I disagree with Kerry, but it’s hard to tell.)

Me: “Finally we turn our attention to disaster relief. A number of horrible natural disasters have struck the US recently, and many people believe one is going to strike State College, PA this weekend, site of the Purdue at Penn State game. What would the two of you say to people who wonder how the government is going to clean up this mess?”

GWB: “Unfortunately, thus far, most of the natural disasters have struck the American people of Florida, my brother Jeb’s state. I keep telling Jeb he must be the unluckiest guy in the Southeastern Hemisphere. Many naysayers say that Purdue cannot be stopped, that you cannot prevent those who are bound and determined to throw for 500 yards in every game. I say we can, we must. I am calling on the four American people who care the most–Penn’s defensive secondly–to remain firm in their resolve in the faces of an offense moving the ball at will. Together, we can contain the spread of Boilerism.”

Me: “Senator, we’ll give you the final word on this.”

JFK, but not that JFK: “Orton’s a Democrat. How do you think I’m going to pick this?”

DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE 44
MEDICARE, MEDICAID, MEDIC!!! 7

Next week:

• Michigan @ Illinois: Rest for the wicked
• Ohio State @ Iowa: Most inoffensive game of the week
• Minnesota @ Michigan State: This looked like a good game back in August
• Wisconsin @ Purdue: Promises to be half an entertaining football game