SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #6

On the off chance that there are still two or three folks around from this week’s FARKalanche, let me introduce one of TBP’s more enduring features, The Search Engine Answer Guy. Roughly towards the middle of every month, I wander through my site statistics looking for search phrases people have used to get to my site, seeking that which simply is not to be found within these pages. Rather than shooing these people off, I try, instead, to answer their search queries to the best of my ability. In the language of FARK, intermittent hilarity sometimes ensures.

Now, here’s this month’s collection of oddball queries.

protractor games

Protractor football is the greatest because, unlike those little folded-paper footballs, a protractor is both big enough and sharp-cornered enough to cause minor flesh wounds. Other possible protractor games include “let’s see who can draw the closest thing to a 38-degree angle freehand,” which is not technically a protractor game but requires one for proper adjudication, “draw the fastest semi-circle,” and, of course, “kill the guy with the protractor.”

chicken wind barb

There’s an Arkansas joke in here someplace, but I probably shouldn’t be the one to make it.

ford tempo won’t start in the early mornings

Count yourself lucky. Most of them won’t start at any time of the day.

i need a fake school report card

I feel ya, dawg. Takes a lot of work to avoid working.

keyes obama betting spread

Take Obama and the over, whatever it is.

is 27 considered to be your late twenties?

To a 20-year-old, yes. To a 27-year-old, not so much. To a 32-year-old, 33 is considered “late twenties.”

5 october 2004 classified ads france recent used furniture for sale by private owner posted on 5 october 2004

I’d love to help you, but you’ll just have to be more specific about the posting date.

wyoming’s top selling pickup

Somewhere west of Laramie, there’s a broncho-busting girl who knows that she’s the 13th owner of that ‘78 F150, which is now Wyoming’s top-selling pickup, and will be more so once she runs into somebody with $300 and no self-respect.

matt gutierrez michigan rumor

Let me confirm it for you: Yes, Matt Gutierrez is on Michigan’s roster. It just seems like he’s not

baseball season is too long

What? You can’t maintain your focus over the course of 162 games? Well, then, the terrorists have won. I suppose now you’ll be telling me it’s tough to work up much enthusiasm over a 1-0 soccer game.

meaning of all the young dudes

It means the early 70s were a strange time, and David Bowie was one interesting cat.

jason whitlock drew bledsoe 1998 sign

The Kansas City Star and ESPN columnist got in a bit of trouble for holding up a sign in the Foxboro Stadium pressbox questioning the QB’s sexual prefence. He was “on vacation” from the newspaper for a little while, if I remember correctly.

car park indicator for houses

Usually, the best place to park is indicated by the wide strip of pavement which runs from the street to the garage.

fake pie calgary

I am intrigued by this. How do you fake a pie? With artificial crust? Or do you just not put anything in it? At what point do you cross the line between genuine and fake pie? Are there other, more fakeable pastries? And are Calgarians at the forefront of of the burgeoning imitation-pastry movement? Will we all wonder, as we sit down to our Thanksgiving dinners, “Gosh, I hope they splurged and got real pie this year”? And why aren’t there more country songs about rodeo clowns?

minnesota at michigan 2004 prediction

I think the Wolverines will probably win.

champaign-urbana things to do october 9 2004

1. Leave
2. Consider transferring to a college in a more interesting town, like North Dakota State
3. Join with other of your fellow oppressed Urbana-ites to form a revolutionary force that will get people to start referring to the conurbation as “Urbana-Champaign” instead
4. Go on the Internet and hassle those miserable losers from Bloomington-Normal
5. Have a deep philosophical discussion about why Champaign and Urbana are separate towns, but Wilkes-Barre, PA, is just one city