PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, WEEK 9

It was a historic week in the Big Ten last week. (Or is that “an historic week”? This isn’t PBS, so I’ll stick with what I wrote.) The largest crowd ever to watch a baseball game–108,000 plus–turned out in State College to witness the inception of half a week’s worth of bad baseball jokes. Meanwhile, Michigan and Wisconsin proved that defense still wins championships, which will come as news to the aforementioned 108,000 plus.

In downstate Illinois, the few remaining Illini faithful got 3 seconds of excitement on Monday morning, until they heard the last name of the Ron who had been fired. Hang on; as Ruby and the Romantics once said, “[Y]our day will come.”

Speaking of golden oldies, Minnesota continued their decades-old practice of winning big when there’s nothing meaningful on the line, while Ohio State and Indiana fulfilled some sort of ancient contractual obligation.

And PotB10 got close–real close–on two game scores. I called the Gilded Rodents 44, the Sighing Ill Lionized 0, and the actual was 45-0. Likewise I predicted The Animals Not Actually Found Anywhere In Wisconsin 23, The Animals Banned By Evanston City Ordinance 14, and the final was 24-12. Having thus exhausted my supply of accurate predictions for the season, PotB10 returns to its regularly scheduled program of conjecture, slapdash analysis, and outright wishful thinking.

IOWA @ ILLINOIS

The term “trap game” was invented for games like this. After a horrid offensive performance, with the listing-but-still-dangerous Boilermakers coming to town next week, the Hawks take a roadie to face a team whose performance cannot be predicted and whose coach knows that he has nothing left to lose. Yes, this has every earmark of being a “trap game.”

Except for the fact that it’s against Illinois, of course.

DISKINNICKTED 34
LOGAN’S RON 13

MINNESOTA @ INDIANA

Indiana is next-to-last in the Big Ten in rushing defense. That’s only because Illinois, which is last, played the Gophers first.

YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO BARBER LIKE BONY MARONEY 38
SWING LOVECCHIO, SWEET BASKETBALL SEASON 10

MICHIGAN STATE @ MICHIGAN

If there’s going to be a Big Ten game worth watching this weekend (and I’m not saying that there is), this will be it. Michigan State has been resurgent since its standard early-season bed-soiling, while the Wolverines have pulled it together and staked a claim for the BCS, even if Wisconsin can hold serve. These two teams match up really well–Michigan has more talent but is far more likely to turn the ball over, and I have not yet reserved my seat on the Mike Hart Greatness Express. The Big House still has some weird hoodoo, but I’d take John L. over Lloyd eleven times out of ten. He reminds me of Hayden Fry in the way that every season he wins one game he shouldn’t–and loses one he shouldn’t, either. I’m saying this is his game to win.

FOLLOW YOUR NOSE, IT ALWAYS KNOWS 24
NOT QUITE AS GOOD AS EVERYBODY THINKS WE ARE 21

PURDUE @ NORTHWESTERN

Lost in all the other Big Ten hoopla is the fact that Wildcats coach Randy Walker has been hospitalized with a touch of myocarditis. How that affects this game, I’ve no idea. After two straight losses, the Rose Bowl is only a pipe dream for the Boilers, and Kyle Orton appears to have gacked on the Heisman as well. It’s mostly pride being played for now, while Northwestern knows they have the fight of their life to get back to the post-season. But NU’s pass defense is dreadful–they gave up nearly 200 yards to Wisconsin, for cryin’ out loud–so the outcome of this game is really not in doubt. Purdue gets the train back on track.

WE ARE SO NOT GOING TO SAN ANTONIO 28
GET WELL SOON, COACH 13

PENN STATE @ OHIO STATE

Speaking of historic events, this may become the first game in recent memory in which there are more yards gained on special teams than by either offense. Look for a game-breaking interception to turn this one around, assuming either coach lets their QB throw the ball. Which, personally, I wouldn’t. The Bucks were clearly not ready for prime time, but the Nits are the most dreadful Big Ten team I’ve seen since Kirk Ferentz’ first season–and easily the worst current Big Ten squad not located just off I-74.

Oh, cruel fate, denying us a Penn State-Illinois game this season!

CHEETAHS NEVER WIN 0
NEITHER DO LIONS, LATELY 3

Next week:

• Indiana @ Illinois: Only $14.95 on ESPN GamePlan!
• Purdue @ Iowa: What’s the difference between Orlando and El Paso? This game
• Ohio State @ Michigan State: Yeeks. The Bucks better schedule EMU, so they beat at least one Michigan school
• Northwestern @ Penn State: A defibrillator joke would be in poor taste
• Minnesota @ Wisconsin: Forget it, nobody’s getting over on the Badger D this season