PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, WEEK 10

You’ve heard enough about politics and so have I. All I’ll say is, in the field of politics, John Kerry is the anti-Paterno.

So you can read here about the muddled and murky bowl picture for the Big Ten, and also ponder just how hard you would work to avoid going to Detroit in mid-December. Otherwise, this tired and one-year-older blogger (as of yesterday) is just going to pick the games without unnecessary drama, histrionics, and accuracy.

INDIANA @ ILLINOIS

Like I said last week, only $14.95 on ESPN GamePlan.

So who do you pick? The lousy team that’s showed up twice and humiliated superior opponents, or the team that hasn’t showed up at all but knows this is the last game they have a realistic chance to win?

You pick the former. The Illini, it seems, just know how to lose.

GONE IN 425 DAYS 23
HOUSE FOR RENT, CHEAP 12

PURDUE @ IOWA

You’d think, after what has happened to Jon Beutjer, Kyle Orton would know that the state of Iowa always exacts its revenge against the football players who turn their backs on it. This was supposed to be Orton’s Kinnick moment; instead, it’s not at all certain that he’d be starting this game if he was healthy. Which he isn’t. The Curse of Kinnick bites the Boilermakers twice, leaving Purdue hoping that Indiana’s two fluke wins this season really were flukes–it would not be good to wind up at home for the holidays, and that’s starting to look like a less-remote possibility.

WILL NOT RUN 10
CANNOT RUN 17

OHIO STATE @ MICHIGAN STATE

A/k/a the Jean-Paul Sartre “Life Is Meaningless” Classic, presented by SBC and Skyy Vodka. MSU, I’m sure, can’t forgive themselves now for gacking against Rutgers (Rutgers!) and goofing away a sure thing against the Wolverines, since just making it to the post-season is going to take a couple minor miracles now. But then, the Buckeyes aren’t post-season-eligible yet, either.

Can John L. rally the troops after such a disappointment? Will he start his pregame speech with the words, “Today, we are all Democrats”? (Oops . . . politics. Sorry.) And how can anybody pick this game?

Well, tOSU is still tOSU, but Michigan State without Drew Stanton is still a dangerous team. The dropoff from Stanton to Damon Dowdell isn’t so huge, and Sparty has two credible running backs to the Buckeyes’ zero. Home-field advantage has to kick in sometime, right?

Right?

TRESSELING WITH DEMONS 9
THE ONLY TEAM THAT MIGHT BE WILLING TO GO TO DETROIT IN DECEMBER 24

NORTHWESTERN @ PENN STATE

Yeah, yeah, I know. Beaver Stadium, it’s only Northwestern, and all that. Paterno’s not bad, just unlucky. They’re certain to win a game yet this season. Have you seen the defense? There’s so much to hope for, blah blah blah. They’re still Penn State, Garo Yepremian would still be an improvement at quarterback, and Paterno is still getting outcoached by everybody in the Big Ten. Penn State is D-U-N done.

CATS OF LIFE 20
NITTY KITTY DIRT NAP 0

MINNESOTA @ WISCONSIN

It’s been three losses in the last four weeks and people are still giving buckets of respect to the Gopher running game. Yeah, they put up big, gaudy numbers, but how come all of a sudden they don’t win games? Because a sieve-like passing defense is completely negating the time-of-posession advantage the running game creates, and Bryan Cupito just hasn’t relaxed enough to give Goldy a credible passing attack. No Big Ten team passes less than Wisconsin, however, so this game will stay close–but in the long run, I don’t care if the Gophers have Marion Barber III, IV, V, and VI in their backfield; they’re not getting over on the Badgers in Mad City.

JA, GOTTA FEEL SORE-Y FER DOZE YOUNG GICE, DONTCHA NO? 21
SO DAT MEANS DA ROZE BOLE, DEN, HEY? 27

Next week:

• Penn State @ Indiana: Like watching ‘Gigli’ at a drive-in. Alone.
• Northwestern @ Michigan: Trap game for the Wolverines?
• Wisconsin @ Michigan State: Nobody gives Sparty a chance in this game–but I do
• Iowa @ Minnesota: SOMEBODY GET THE PIG BEFORE FAMOUS DAVE BARBECUES IT!!!!
• Ohio State @ Purdue: I bet ABC felt real smart staking a a claim on this game a few months ago

AN OPEN LETTER TO UNHAPPY DEMOCRATS

I’m not one of you, but I’m not one of them, either. I don’t, in fact, belong to any political party. Just want to clear that up before we go any further.

My goodness, you’re a bitter lot these days. And for the most part that’s totally understandable. Nobody enjoys losing, and it’s more painful when victory seemed so close. The anger, the fears, the recriminations all start flowing when something you wanted so much, something which seemed so achievable just 48 hours ago finally slips away. And, like Ecclesiastes says, “There’s a time to dance and a time to mourn,” and guess which time this is?

Ecclesiastes. It’s in the Bible. You might want to read it some time, because, you see, that’s your problem. That’s basically why you lost.

Many of you understand this already. It didn’t take long for the “Jesusland” meme to replicate itself throughout bloggerdom, and it’s obvious that many disaffected Democrats blame organized religion–particularly evangelical Christianity–for the stunning loss not just of the White House, but of a lot of important Congressional races as well.

You’re pretty close. It’s not so much that organized religion united to defeat John Kerry. You see, one of the first things you learn when you’re part of a church is that “organized religion” is pretty much an oxymoron and most of the brainwashing and financial malfeasance you suspect occurs actually doesn’t because nobody has time for it. But I digress. You didn’t lose because of organized religion. You lost because one party in this race spoke in the common language of Americans, and one didn’t.

I remember how, in 1988, when Dukakis delivered parts of his campaign speeches in Spanish, that was such a novel idea that Saturday Night Live felt compelled to make fun of it. This time both candidates appeared on Telemundo and spoke without translators. Why? Because they knew that there’s a significant block of voters who wanted to hear their messages in the language those voters are most comfortable communicating in. That’s a big change in just 16 years. After all, in 1988, most Republicans were pushing to make English the official language of the US. Now they’re officially polyglot, and so is the nation.

Anyway, this is a complicated way of saying that Kerry didn’t lose because so many Republicans go to church. Kerry lost because not enough Democrats do. You can say what you want to about the sins of organized religion–and they are many–but you cannot deny its influence on America. And you can’t deny that it’s gaining more influence day by day.

Which means that, this Sunday, all across America, about 100 million adults will gather in their places of worship, where they will see their friends and neighbors, they’ll drink dreadful coffee and eat commercial baked goods, and they’ll be sitting around after services talking about what’s on their minds–the weather, the Green Bay Packers, what their kids are doing in school . . . and, of course, politics. 100 million Americans will do that this Sunday morning, and that’s a stingy estimate. (I’ll do you a favor and not use the “c” word, OK?)

Will your viewpoints be part of those discussions? You might be surprised by the number of churches at which they will–not all Christians are Republicans, any more than all secular persons are Democrats. But you know that, in the grand scheme of things, you’re losing the war for the loyalty of America’s Christians–and you cannot win national elections without them. Bear in mind, the last two Democratic presidents we’ve had were Southern Baptists–a denomination that ought to be officially credited with an assist for the 2000 and 2004 elections.

So, since there are so many of you out there who have said and are continuing to say that you would do anything to end the red-state stranglehold on national offices, I’ve got three words for you: Go to church. This Sunday and every Sunday you possibly can, from now until forever. It isn’t so much that politicking clergy threw this election to the Republicans; it’s that people who weren’t afraid to share either their faith or their religious views had this wonderful opportunity to bond with each other and reinforce their commonality on a weekly basis. There is no equivalent in the secular world to the kind of community created by worship. And you’re not going to create one in four years. You either use what’s in front of you, or you live in Red America for the foreseeable future. You either work with the institutions of society, or they work against you.

Oh, sure, I hear you saying. Let’s all become zombie vampire robots for Jeebus, and maybe then we’ll take back the Phlegm County Mosquito Control Board. I’d almost rather lose than have to associate with Christians.

Really?

Then that’s what’s going to happen.

Look, any dope can read the Bible–whether they believe a word of it or not–and see that for every statement in there about sexual morality, there’s 15 or 20 about economic and social justice, and most of them are far more radical than anything John Kerry said. If your IQ is above room temperature, you can not only formulate a faith-based refutation of tax cuts for millionaires, you can make a good argument for the return of the 90% bracket for the uber-wealthy.

I am not, of course, advocating the pursuit of religion under false pretenses. If you’re an atheist and you’re utterly convinced that not even finding God’s driver’s license on the sidewalk would change your mind, so be it. But if you’re not utterly convinced, if you’re sitting on the fence faith-wise, now would be a good time to start learning more. This article has a list of what are considered “mainline” denominations–walk into a church of these denominations and there’s about a 70% chance that the pastor will be a Democrat. I ought to know. I serve as a pastor in one of those denominations. I am considered to be among the most conservative 10% of all clergy in my denomination–and I voted for Kerry. The same political structures which helped turn huge chunks of this country from blue to red could also work for you. So use them. Come and make connections with your friends and neighbors. Learn how to talk in the language of faith, because until you do–and I don’t just mean your candidates, I mean your rank-and-file party faithful as well–you might as well be speaking Albanian. And that red map is just going to get redder.

Can’t do it? Fine. Just don’t say “I’d do anything” when what you mean is “I’ll do anything I’m currently doing, even though it’s not working.” Remember, in 16 years, the Republicans went from “speak English or go back to Mexico” to a presidential candidate appearing on Telemundo without translators. They were willing to concede some points to win others. Why won’t you do the same?

(Sent to join OTB’s Beltway Traffic Jam)