PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, WEEK 10

You’ve heard enough about politics and so have I. All I’ll say is, in the field of politics, John Kerry is the anti-Paterno.

So you can read here about the muddled and murky bowl picture for the Big Ten, and also ponder just how hard you would work to avoid going to Detroit in mid-December. Otherwise, this tired and one-year-older blogger (as of yesterday) is just going to pick the games without unnecessary drama, histrionics, and accuracy.

INDIANA @ ILLINOIS

Like I said last week, only $14.95 on ESPN GamePlan.

So who do you pick? The lousy team that’s showed up twice and humiliated superior opponents, or the team that hasn’t showed up at all but knows this is the last game they have a realistic chance to win?

You pick the former. The Illini, it seems, just know how to lose.

GONE IN 425 DAYS 23
HOUSE FOR RENT, CHEAP 12

PURDUE @ IOWA

You’d think, after what has happened to Jon Beutjer, Kyle Orton would know that the state of Iowa always exacts its revenge against the football players who turn their backs on it. This was supposed to be Orton’s Kinnick moment; instead, it’s not at all certain that he’d be starting this game if he was healthy. Which he isn’t. The Curse of Kinnick bites the Boilermakers twice, leaving Purdue hoping that Indiana’s two fluke wins this season really were flukes–it would not be good to wind up at home for the holidays, and that’s starting to look like a less-remote possibility.

WILL NOT RUN 10
CANNOT RUN 17

OHIO STATE @ MICHIGAN STATE

A/k/a the Jean-Paul Sartre “Life Is Meaningless” Classic, presented by SBC and Skyy Vodka. MSU, I’m sure, can’t forgive themselves now for gacking against Rutgers (Rutgers!) and goofing away a sure thing against the Wolverines, since just making it to the post-season is going to take a couple minor miracles now. But then, the Buckeyes aren’t post-season-eligible yet, either.

Can John L. rally the troops after such a disappointment? Will he start his pregame speech with the words, “Today, we are all Democrats”? (Oops . . . politics. Sorry.) And how can anybody pick this game?

Well, tOSU is still tOSU, but Michigan State without Drew Stanton is still a dangerous team. The dropoff from Stanton to Damon Dowdell isn’t so huge, and Sparty has two credible running backs to the Buckeyes’ zero. Home-field advantage has to kick in sometime, right?

Right?

TRESSELING WITH DEMONS 9
THE ONLY TEAM THAT MIGHT BE WILLING TO GO TO DETROIT IN DECEMBER 24

NORTHWESTERN @ PENN STATE

Yeah, yeah, I know. Beaver Stadium, it’s only Northwestern, and all that. Paterno’s not bad, just unlucky. They’re certain to win a game yet this season. Have you seen the defense? There’s so much to hope for, blah blah blah. They’re still Penn State, Garo Yepremian would still be an improvement at quarterback, and Paterno is still getting outcoached by everybody in the Big Ten. Penn State is D-U-N done.

CATS OF LIFE 20
NITTY KITTY DIRT NAP 0

MINNESOTA @ WISCONSIN

It’s been three losses in the last four weeks and people are still giving buckets of respect to the Gopher running game. Yeah, they put up big, gaudy numbers, but how come all of a sudden they don’t win games? Because a sieve-like passing defense is completely negating the time-of-posession advantage the running game creates, and Bryan Cupito just hasn’t relaxed enough to give Goldy a credible passing attack. No Big Ten team passes less than Wisconsin, however, so this game will stay close–but in the long run, I don’t care if the Gophers have Marion Barber III, IV, V, and VI in their backfield; they’re not getting over on the Badgers in Mad City.

JA, GOTTA FEEL SORE-Y FER DOZE YOUNG GICE, DONTCHA NO? 21
SO DAT MEANS DA ROZE BOLE, DEN, HEY? 27

Next week:

• Penn State @ Indiana: Like watching ‘Gigli’ at a drive-in. Alone.
• Northwestern @ Michigan: Trap game for the Wolverines?
• Wisconsin @ Michigan State: Nobody gives Sparty a chance in this game–but I do
• Iowa @ Minnesota: SOMEBODY GET THE PIG BEFORE FAMOUS DAVE BARBECUES IT!!!!
• Ohio State @ Purdue: I bet ABC felt real smart staking a a claim on this game a few months ago