PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, WEEK 12

And so the regular season closes out, not with a bang, but with 60% unwatchable games. (I’m not countenancing Northwestern and Michigan State’s Hawaiian expeditions . . . it’s hard enough picking the preseason games during the preseason.) This is PotB10’s fifth season (believe it or not) so I’m getting kind of nostalgic. So grab your Zubaz and your Oakley sunglasses; crack open a Bud Dry and swtich the channel to Married . . . With Children, because we’re sending out 2004 hairmetal-style.

WISCONSIN @ IOWA
“Every Rose Bowl Has Its Thorn” (apologies to Poison)

We both lie silently still
in the shadow of the Wolverines
Although we both lie close together
We’re 178.1 miles apart, according to Yahoo! Maps

Was it something I said or something I did
Did our pass coverage not work out right
Though I tried not to get screwed
Though I tried
But I guess that’s why they say

Chorus:
Every Rose Bowl has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every Hawkeye running back has a torn ACL
Every Rose Bowl has its thorn
Yeah it does

I listen to the Buckeye game
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say they lost the game
so to Florida we both go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And Game Day’d be here right now
If we could have beaten those stinking, inconsistent, barely competent Spartans
I guess

Every Rose Bowl has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every Hawkeye running back has a torn ACL
Every Rose Bowl has its thorn
Yeah it does

Though it’s been a week now
I can still see those chin-projecting Michiganders moving the ball up and down the field like we weren’t even there, man
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar remains

I know I could have saved a BCS bowl that night
If I’d known what to say
Instead of makin’ tackles
We both made our separate ways
But now I hear you found somebody new
and that the winner of this game winds up #2
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see Wolverines cuts me like a knife
I guess

Every Rose Bowl has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every Hawkeye running back has a torn ACL
Every Rose Bowl has its thorn
Yeah it does

THE NEW “WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR” 20
CHICKEN GUM AND CHEWING WIRE 21

ILLINOIS @ NORTHWESTERN
“Ron’s Final Countdown” (apologies to Europe (the band, not the contintent . . . I’m still waiting for the continent’s apologies for the band))

Ron’s leaving forever
So this is farewell
According to Internet message boards, at least
But hey, who can tell?
I guess there is no one to blame
For us eating ground (what about Ron?)
Will things ever be the same again (we hope not)
It’s the final countdown…
The final countdown
Ooh oh

We’re heading for Norman (Norman)
Where OU stands tall
Cause they’ve got this one man
Who could throw a football (yeah)
With so many pass schemes to learn
And things to be found (like a running game)
I’m sure that they’ll all miss Chuck so
It’s the final countdown…
The final countdown
The final countdown (the final countdown)
Ooh ooh oh

(interlude)

The final countdown
Ooh oh
It’s the final countdown
The final countdown
The final countdown (the final countdown)
Ooh
It’s the final countdown
We are leaving together
The final countdown

IT’S A LONG, LONG WAY TO RON 10
EVANSTON CONFIDENTIAL 31

MICHIGAN @ OHIO STATE
(needs more cowbell)

Mo Clarett had come
Here but now he’s gone
Buckeyes don’t fear investigations
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain… we can be like they are
Come on Tressel… don’t fear the reaper
Baby take my hand… don’t fear the reaper
We’ll be able to fly… don’t fear the reaper
Geiger, he’s your man

SMU is done
Here but now they’re gone
Dickerson and James
Are together in eternity… Pony Express!
40,000 Chevy dealer test drives… Monte Carlos and Cavaliers
40,000 $100 handshakes… Redefine “cheatenous”
Another $40,000 coming everyday… We can be like they are
Come on Buckeye… don’t fear the reaper
Baby take my hand… don’t fear the reaper
We’ll be able to fly… don’t fear the reaper
Geiger he’s your man…

Oh, that school up north
Here but now they’re gone
Booked the last flight to Cali
And it’s clear we can’t go on
Then the door was open and Mike Hart appeared
Chad Henne threw then disappeared
Steve Breaston flew then he appeared… saying don’t be afraid
Come on Buckeye… and they had no fear
And Buck ran to him… then they started to fly
They looked backward and said good bye… Buck had become like IU
Buck had thrown down his hand… and had become like they are
Come on Buckeye… don’t fear the reaper

EVERYTHING’S COMING UP ROSES 24
ONLY OUR LUNCH IS COMING UP 13

MICHIGAN STATE @ PENN STATE
“Slump” (apologies to Van Halen Hagar Cherone Halen)

Owwww!
I get up, two and ten gets me down
You got it tough, I’ve seen the toughest around, since I’ve been here since 1966
And I know, baby, just how you feel
You got to roll with the losses and get to what’s real

Ah, can’t ya see me standin’ here
I got my back against the record of Eddie Robinson
This is the worst that you’ve seen
But do you have to be mean?

Ah, might as well slump. Slump!
A five-year long slump!
A deadly slump. Slump!
A back-breaking slump

“Retire! Hey, you!” Who said that? Bradley, how you been?
You say you don’t know, we won’t know until you begin

Ah, can’t ya see me standin’ here
I got my back against the record of Eddie Robinson
This is the worst that you’ve seen
But do you have to be mean?

Ah, might as well slump. Slump!
A five-year long slump!
A deadly slump. Slump!
A back-breaking slump

(Guitar Solo)

Might as well slump. Slump!
Go ahead and slump
Get it in, slump. Slump!
Go ahead and slump

THE DREAM IS STILL ALIVE 21
BUT WE’RE NOT, ESPECIALLY 13

INDIANA @ PURDUE
(Yes, this is not a hair-metal song . . . couldn’t help myself.)

“Indiana’s Watching” (apologies to R. Dean Taylor)

Indiana’s watching, Lord knows no one else is
Indiana’s watching, Lord knows no one else is
Suck it up, Purdue . . . you’ve lost a few

If a man ever should have won the Heisman
After five games of a flabby schedule, Kyle, it’s you
And it’s so cold and lonely here without you
Defensive end is coming
I’ve been so tired of running

Indiana’s watching, Lord knows no one else is
Indiana’s watching, Lord knows no one else is
Suck it up, Purdue . . . you’ve lost a few

It hurts to see the team Purdue’s become
To know they’ll never see a top-ten ranking anymore
They’ll never see Berwanger’s face or touch his hand
If just once more they could see
The Cuse, Ball State, Illini and Nit’ny

Indiana’s watching, Lord knows no one else is
Indiana’s watching, Lord knows no one else is
Suck it up, Purdue . . . you’ve lost a few

I hope Joe Tiller finds his way, Purdue
Forgive him, please, for the shame he’s put you through and all the tears
Hang on tight to the memories of the Griese years
Red jerseys flashing around me
Good Lord it looks like they found me

Indiana’s watching, Lord knows no one else is
Indiana’s watching, Lord knows no one else is
Suck it up, Purdue . . . you’ve lost a few

(sound of police siren)

“This is the Music City Bowl selection committee . . . we know you’re in there . . . come out with your big bass drum . . .”

TWENTY GRAND TO OPRYLAND 24
BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD 21

PotB10 returns once the bowl slate is set to try (foolishly) to pick every single bowl game. Shouldn’t be too tough; there are only 28 of them.

Why do I do this to myself?