SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #7

I’d apologize for the lateness of the seventh installment of this site’s most consistently popular feature, but (a) I decided to move this feature to the end of the month so I don’t have to pore over two months’ worth of referral logs to write it, and (2) the only reason this is the most popular feature on the site is because the first edition of it contained certain terms which have enticed those who are seeking ungarmentable imagery of antigeriatric individuals. Since, every time they click here, my Google rank goes up, I’m fairly certain that one day I’ll actually reach the top of the search page for every Roman Polanski wannabe on the planet.

So anyway, it’s late in the evening, but I still feel like destroying my reputation, so let’s begin.

2004 motor city bowl scenario

A hush falls over a crowd of 12,000 people in downtown Detroit. On one sideline stand the Minnesota Golden Gophers, the underachieving, undercoached, oversold, challenge-avoiding scions of Ski-U-Mah. On the other sidelines stand a bunch of MAC players, each thinking to themselves, “If I’d walked on at Ohio State, I’d be in San Antonio right now, where it’s warm. Plus I’d have a car to drive. And if I’d gone to Kent State like my mama wanted me to, I wouldn’t have to spend Christmas in Detroit.” The referee calls the captains to the center of the field for the coin toss. The Minnesota captains try to call time out while the coin’s in the air, because they need permission from their position coach before they say anything to the ref. The MAC players agree to the time out–being from the MAC, they’ve never seen a coin before. Heads are bowed as the referee tries to explain that the “tails” side of the coin doesn’t really have a tail–the MAC players, again, are unfamiliar with the concept of a “coin,” while the Gophers are really not supposed to take classes at the ag school, since it’s all the way over in St. Paul, a long way from the Bierman building. Then, while everybody’s heads are still down, it happens.

A lutefisk comes flying out of the stands, striking one of the MAC players.

History will quickly dub the ensuing melee “the blood spieled at Ford Field.” A TV audience estimated in the upper dozens will be appalled as the MAC players and Minneapolis sportswriters try to drown Minnesota’s coach in the Gatorade bucket. The ESPN announcers will report that the MAC head coach was injured and they’ll have an update just as soon as somebody can remember what the guy’s name is. In Bristol, they throw the switch, beginning their emergency tape broadcast of the 2002 World Series of Slot Machines. The next day, the papers will be filled with heartfelt handwringing and bitter recriminations. But no one will care. Why?

Because the Insight.com Bowl is on that night.

dealing with child flatulence in ministry

Ignore it as much as possible. Given what the average American child eats for breakfast, though, that may be a daunting task.

matt lovecchio and drafting

That may have more to do with the Pentagon than the NFL.

healthy menu for basketball tea

OK, I can think of three possibilities here. One is that you’re looking for food to serve during a basketball-themed tea. I would suggest anything with three points, though this will confuse NBA fans. The second possibility is that you intend to invite a basketball team over for some tea, in which case you’d better be exceptionally precise about what it is you intend to serve.

The third possiblity is too horrible to contemplate, and I’m not sure what you could serve to make up for drinking that.

how much do finance majors get paid out of college

About 40% of what they think they’re worth.

how to say spleen in portuguese

It’s pronounced “chorizo.”

does statutory rape involve oral?

*sigh* . . . thanks, Bill.

music who originally did the tide is high

Blondie. They should be showing up on oldies radio in another couple years.

philosophical idea of chocolat movie

Suppose someone in Hollywood came up with an idea for a movie that, unfortunately, failed to contain enough material to fill out a segment of “Love American Style.” Moreover, the screenplay (if you wanted to call it that) contained characters who would be considered laughably fake by five-year-olds watching “Scooby-Doo,” and the plot was so predictable it made the average romantic comedy look like the backwards episode of “Seinfeld.” Would it be possible to make a movie this bad, but make it so well that thousands of moviegoers and dozen of critics would be bamboozled into thinking they’d just witnessed something profound and touching? Yes, if you make it in France, and force Johnny Depp to wear an Errol Flynn mustache. This effectively proves the existentialists’ point that life is inherently meaningless.

best fight scene ever

There can only be one choice: the fight between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth in Bridget Jones’ Diary.

1993 ford tempo transmission fluid requirement

Technically, yes, transmission fluid is required, though if you leave it out, you may not be able to tell the difference. I mean, your car will break down without tranny fluid; it’s just that breakdowns are not a unique experience for Tempo owners.

define a simple experiment?

Put the phrases “sensible tort reform” and “naked baboons” on your blog; then, see which gets you more search engine hits in a month. That’s a pretty simple experiment; I’ll let you know the results next month.

what college majors make the most money?

According to statistics, if you want to make over a million dollars a year, your best bet is to go to the University of North Carolina and major in geography. The average annual salary for a UNC geography grad is in the low millions. If you don’t know why this is bad advice, you probably also don’t know where Michael Jordan went to college, or what he majored in–and you’re not a good candidate for majoring in statistics, either.

i-aa qualified team bowl eligible

I-AA teams may not play in bowl games under any circumstances.

minnesota pansy rule

If you play nothing but pansies in your out-of-conference schedule, you’re bound to underachieve in the conference season. This used to be called the Bill Snyder Theorem, but I think the Gophers have refined it enough to make it their own.

can i get into architecture school with an economics major

Do you have the tuition money? If so, the answer’s bound to be “yes” someplace.