TBP CLASSIC: INCLUSIVE TO THE nTH DEGREE

From October 2000.

Got a funeral tomorrow morning. Nice old man, lived just down the road from St. Peter’s, didn’t really know him at all. I met with the family this morning to soak up some details about his life. We had the usual discussions–what was he really like, would he have wanted a big fuss made over him, what Bible pasages should I use, et cetera. Through the discussion, I determined that the best passage was from John, chapter 14 (”In my Father’s house are many rooms . . .”). I determined this because, basically, there are only four Bible passages ever used in funeral sermons: that one, the one from John 11 where Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead, the 23rd Psalm, and Ecclesiastes 3 (a/k/a the “Turn, Turn, Turn” passage). Sometimes a pastor will slip in something else just to prove that he or she is not a sockpuppet, but 85% of the Christian funerals you attend will have at least one of those four passages read, I guarantee it.

About a year ago I wrote what I thought was a pretty decent funeral sermon on that John 14 passage and what it means to somebody who has endured long suffering. Since then, I’ve subtly reworked it three or four times, altering it just enough so that it’s not quite recognizable. I know, I should start from scratch, but every time I do I just wind up saying the same thing I wrote back then. And, in talking to the funeral directors in town, it turns out that I’m the exception in having three or four basic
funeral sermons. Most of my colleagues down here only have one. And the funeral directors know them by heart.

So, anyway, I actually cooked myself a meal tonight (pot roast, no less; I love food you can throw in a pot and ignore for a few hours) and, after I got the dishes washed, I sat down at the computer and pulled up the John 14 sermon. A little tweak here, a little tuck there, and now we just have to repersonalize it. I hit ‘Replace . . .’ and told the computer to change every “Evelyn” to “Ed”. No problem. But Evelyn was a she and Ed was a he. So I also had to replace every “her” with “him.” I knew I’d have to go in and change a few “him”s to “his”es, but that’s not such a big deal. So, I confidently clicked on “replace all.” Then I started to read the sermon, looking for pronouns to replace. And how did the first line read?

“Brothims and sisters in Christ, grace, mercy and peace from God our Fathim and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

OH FORK RYAN OAT LOAD! Why didn’t I *think* of that? It doesn’t look for the word “her,” it looks for the letters “her” and replaces them. I felt ten different kinds of stupid. Until I got to the passage where I talked about what the Luthiman Church had meant to Ed during his life, that is. Then I thought it was pretty funny.

I’ve always been a bit of a language geek, I guess. One of the funniest things I’ve ever heard was Victor Borge’s “Inflationary Language” where he tells a story but increases all the imbedded numbers by one. So the sentence “I ate a tenderloin with my fork” becomes “I nined an elevenderloin with my fivek.” My favorite part is when the Air Fivce lieutelevenant tells his date, “My darling, you look twoderful threenight.”

That got me to thinking: There’s a big debate in some churches right now about inclusive language–mostly avoiding excessive use of male pronouns. Some pastors I know never use pronouns of any sort to refer to the Holy One. Others try to incorporate more female imagery. I got to thinking, “What would it be like if we switched the genders in every word?”

I’m not sure I’d ever warm to the idea of being a Luthiman pastor. I couldn’t get used to watching Bill Mahim on “Politically Incorrect.” Nor would I ever get used to the idea of chermney sweeps. Herstory would repeat itself. You could tune in the high-numbered TV channels if you wanted to see faith shealing. (Assuming you’re not the sort who girlcotts those channels, that is.) I already call the mailman the personperson. But now, instead of needing a male-to-female adapter for my stereo cables, I’d need a female-to-male adapter. I could probably pick one up the next time I’m in St. Josephine, seeing as how there’s no longer a Radio Shack in Richarddaughter County. That would mean a trip into Misterouri, though. And I’d probably have to put it on my MistressCard. But I could shop for a smen pool while I was down there, maybe even grab a bite at Crackhim Barrel. (The budget would suggest Burger Queen, Taco Beau, or Long Jane Silver’s, however.)

No way would I take this idea to the chimch, though. You ever seen what they do to himetics?

INCREDIBLE.

So you know how we all thought that Urban Meyer was a lock for the Notre Dame job? Turns out the Domers never even had a shot:

Meyer said he had been discussing the move with Florida officials for a couple of weeks, and that a deal already was in place by the time Notre Dame officials approached him about their opening. (emphasis added)

This indicates that, while Meyer certainly entertained dreams of the Notre Dame job, he did not anticipate that the university would cut Ty Willingham loose so soon. That should tell Notre Dame something.

ZOOK TO ILLINOIS

All but a done deal, according to ESPN and the Gainesville Sun:

Ron Zook’s job search could end Monday — when Illinois is expected to offer him its head football coaching job — according to The Gainesville (Fla.) Sun.

Zook, who was recently fired by Florida, reportedly moved to the top of the Illini’s wish list after interviewing earlier this week with university officials in Chicago.

If this is true (and I see no reason not to think that it is), this is a great move for Illinois, assuming Zook accepts. While he wasn’t ready for Florida, he can probably coach somewhere, and nobody questions his ability to recruit. He may not get the Illini past six wins next season, since he won’t have a whole lot to work with, but even a low-level bowl bid should appease the Illinois faithful. Let’s hope it works out, because this just might be a good fit–and the Big Ten is a league where things can turn around in a big hurry.