REEL BIG FISH

It’s official: LSU head coach Nick Saban is taking the Miami Dolphins coaching job, according to ESPN’s Len Pasquarelli.

Gee, it’s just too bad the team has to deal with this disappointment and distraction just a week before the their bowl game . . .

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

So I got home from our candlelight service about quarter to midnight last night. I got ready for bed and I got in. Paula turned to me and said, “Hi, honey, how was worship?” and I said, “Fine, lots of people,” and I started to drift off to sleep. The bed was comfy, toasty warm, and I was nearly on my way to those visions of sugarplums. The alarm was set for 6 AM so I would have plenty of time to get ready and grab a good breakfast before our 9 AM service this morning.

My eyes are closed and I’m drifting in and out of consciousness when, out of nowhere and apropos of nothing, Paula turned to me and said, “Honey?”

And I said, “Yeah?”

And she said,”Did you turn off the space heater in your office?”

Suddenly I wasn’t so tired any more.

So I laid there for a little bit thinking to myself, “Don’t be ridiculous, Mark. Of course you turned off the space heater. You turn it off when you run to Kwik Trip to get a cup of coffee. Why wouldn’t you have turned it off when you were leaving on Christmas Eve?” But if I was so sure I turned it off, why couldn’t I call up the memory of having done so? Still, I had the feeling I was just being neurotic and silly.

Yet my mind’s eye kept seeing the headline in the paper: PASTOR BURNS DOWN OWN CHURCH ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

I knew that if I got up to go check, I wouldn’t get back home until at least 2 AM. That would have left me with just four short hours of sleep before the alarm went off. So there I was, in bed, weighing the options: Sleep like I need to, or burn down the church?

I gotta tell you, sometimes I really hate having a conscience.

I didn’t want to part with my sleep–I was really tired. I finally hit on a compromise: Why not just take a pillow and sleep in your office? After all, I’ve got an alarm clock there and everything. Sure, my office is lacking in amenities, like padded furniture and blankets, but hey, anything that still held out the possibility of a good night’s sleep was OK by me at that point.

So I grabbed my pillow off the bed and got dressed and bundled myself into the car, where there was nothing on the radio but “Holly Jolly Christmas” and “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.” I drove the half-hour to the church and ran to my office.

Was the space heater turned off?

Would I even be telling you this story if it wasn’t? In fact, it was so cold in my office, there were penguins frolicking under my desk.

I threw my pillow on the floor, pulled my coat around me, and slept as well as a pastor can on Christmas Eve when he’s sleeping on the floor of his semi-heated office, underneath a parka, with his head resting on a pillow propped up by three old textbooks.

So anyway, I hope you’re having a merry Christmas, everybody. I feel pretty confident that most of your Christmas mornings were a little better than mine.

(Gone to play in the Beltway Traffic)