SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #8

I am all out of clever introductions for Search Engine Answer Guy. Therefore, feel free to supply your own slyly ironic comments about the strange things people search for on the Internet, keeping in mind that I don’t really comment about the obvious porn searches that show up in my referral logs. (If you read them, you’d have no comment either.)

how the bcs works

In mid-October, Beano Cook and Mel Kiper, Jr. meet in a Philadelphia fishmonger’s warehouse, where they slit open the belly of the fattest grouper they can find. They cast the fish’s entrails on the USA Today sports section. Any teams whose weekend scores are gut-splattered are automatically eliminated from the national title game (this, unfortunately, is what happened to Auburn this season). They continue gutting fish and casting entrails until only 25 teams remain untainted by piscine viscera. These 25 teams comprise the initial BCS poll.

Following that, a team of underutilized actuaries meets weekly to come up with complicated mathematical formulae designed to weed out those teams which DisnESPN bears a personal grudge against. This year’s algorithm took into account strength of schedule, yards allowed, opponents’ records against BCS top-25 teams, and distance from the nearest Whataburger, which was factored in to ensure that Texas would go to the Rose Bowl and Cal wouldn’t. (This also allowed Utah to grab the last spot over the Golden Bears.) The algorithm is applied one last time at the end of the season to determine the BCS invitees.

The bowls then pick which teams they want to appear based on a careful set rules: no bowl is allowed to invite more than two teams per year. This silly, frivolous rule created the “split national championship” last season which enabled Nick Saban to pay off his mortgage before leaving Baton Rouge.

Lastly, Oklahoma and Southern California play in the title game. A little-known statute appended to the end of the National Beet Pickle Awareness Week Act of 1996 forever established it as law that Oklahoma, Southern Cal, Florida State, Nebraska, or Miami must play for the national title every year, or Congress will immediately begin an antitrust investigation of the NCAA. Thus far the system has not drawn attention to itself, but when a 6-5 Miami team faces off against 3-8 Nebraska for next year’s crown, Congress will probably have to reconsider its decision.

college composition useless

I double-dog-dare you to read my referral logs and still think that.

what american teenagers are told about sex

deceased contemporary singers

Well, if they’re deceased, they’ve pretty much stopped being contemporary, haven’t they?

2004 december 11 posted classified ads of used autos used furniture and used trailer for sale by private owner in u.s.a and uk

Had to leave town in a hurry, eh?

the name of the guy with the afro who paints on tv

Bob Ross.

most useless college degree

Oh, hey, that’s easy: the one that you get simply because you heard it leads to a high-paying job.

lynnrd skynnrd official web sites

www.ourfanscannotspellthenameofourband.com

keith urban sucks

Not so loud! My wife will hear you . . .

film majors end up doing what?

Watching direct-to-video exploitation crap whilst muttering, “I could do that.”

how did jessica simpson lose weight

Easy. After being forced to support her sister’s “singing” “career” she lost her appetite.

beaver tails supplier

This is just a hunch, but have you tried a beaver? They should be able to supply you with at least one . . .

rod stewart necrophilia lyrics

Okay, I could handle the mod phase, the folk-rock phase, the disco phase, the despoiler-of-Motown-classics phase, even the “Tony Bennett with a fright wig phase” . . . but that is going just a bit too far.

difference between chaps and chops recipes

Even if you cook your chaps for six to eight hours, they’ll still be tough and leathery. And if you eat enough chops, you probably won’t fit into your chaps any more.

pronounce chorizo

A-cid REE-flux.

80 s song on jcpenney commercial

“Let My Love Open the Door” by Pete Townshend (not The Who).

things that were cool in the 90s

Irony. Cynicism. “Post-modern” everything. John Grisham. Punk rock. Flannel. Pickup trucks.