TONIGHT’S TV LISTINGS

ABC: 8 Simple Rules For Dating Desperate Housewives (Comedy-Drama): Owen Terrell (Terrell Owens) gets a nasty lesson in double standards when he takes a bit acting job; one of the housewives uncovers a sinister secret when she audits the PTA’s bank statements.

CBS: CSI: Wausau (Drama): The investigators have just 24 hours to determine whether a giant inflatable SpongeBob found in a Dumpster is the same giant inflatable SpongeBob missing from a Burger King three blocks away.

NBC: Law & Order-Unclaimed Property Unit (Drama): When a mysterious drifter shows up to claim a Santana tape stolen from a Camaro in 1983, the UPU’s dectective attempts to link him to a 25-year-old theft of a Pure Prairie League tape from a truck stop in Idaho.

FOX: Trading Real World Maternity Survivor Apprentices By Design (”Reality”): A group of young single mothers are abandoned on a tropical island, then told that one of their babies will be adopted by Donald Trump. The winning mother will be determined by a competition in which the mothers are pitted against each other in a quest to see who can best renovate the interior of a lean-to shelter using only coconut husks, bits of string, and a golf ball. Halfway through, the mothers are forced to switch shelters.

ESPN: World Series of Slot Machines (Sports?): Live action from Walleye Bob’s Taco House and Casino in Aberdeen, SD.

ESPN2: Dream Job-Radio Edition (Reality): Contestants vie for a one-year contract reading offshore sports-book and “male enhancement” commercials for ESPN radio. Judges: Mike Golic, John Moschitta Jr., Ray J. Johnson.

FOX SPORTS: Best Dang Ol’ Sports-Like Television Program, Question Mark (News): Tom Arnold makes a bunch of Roseanne jokes, some rapper you’ve never heard of comments on the state of the NBA, a live audience interprets everything the female reporter says as a double entendre.

SPEED: NASCAR Nextel Cup Practice Session (Sports): Gear-shift linkage adjustments. Live, from Daytona Beach, FL.

E!: True Hollywood Story: That One Nerdy Guy From ‘Riptide’ (Documentary): The career of that one nerdy guy from the NBC action-adventure series ‘Riptide’ is recalled. Interviewees include Perry King, Hal Sparks, Michael Ian Black.

LIFETIME: Not Without The Perfect Deception By A Mother’s Intuition (1996, Movie *1/2): After moving to a small town in Colorado, a woman uncovers a conspiracy to overreport standardized testing results at the local school. The stress of her battle to make the truth known gives her the rare, fatal disease Murphy-Jaegermann Syndrome, which can only be cured by a transplant from the sister she hasn’t spoken to in years. Sam: Judith Light. Principal Gorman: Tom Skerritt. Brody: Bruce Boxleitner.

COURT: Cops (Reality): Cedar Rapids, IA: Officers investigate claims that a family living on the even-numbered side of the street is watering their lawn on an odd-numbered day; an elderly woman doesn’t like the looks of some teenagers.

HGTV: Emasculated by Design (Comedy): While a man is out of town at a monster truck rally, his wife (with the help of two interior designers and a suspiciously unhandy carpenter) boxes up all his worldly possessions and redecorates the garage in pastel ginghams.

FOOD: Emeril Live (Science Fiction): “Deep-Fried Garlicky Crap Tossed on a Plate”: Garlicky crap is deep-fried, tossed on a plate, then dramatically showered with a curious spice mix. Also: Chicken with Forty Catchphrases.

MTV: The Real World (Reality): After failing to show up for his $5 an hour job at a coffee shop, Drake is fired; Amanda and Evie discover that, after a weekend of partying at expensive clubs, they’ve spent this month’s rent money and have no idea what to do; Jermaine’s one-night stand steals all his credit cards.

VH1: Driven (Documentary): Scientists at VH1 Laboratories attempt to gain DNA samples from Paris Hilton and Britney Spears in an effort to create “ParisBritney,” a clone sharing genetic material from each, intended to be the perfect talent-free sex symbol/living Bratz doll to serve as the basis for all of VH1’s future programming.

TVLAND: Leave It To Beaver (Comedy): Something almost happens, but Wally is able to stop it in time.

TBS: Seinfeld (Comedy): Something almost happens, but Kramer is able to stop it in time.

CNN: Crossfire (Comedy): Something almost happens, but a special report about an Indonesian peanut shortage is able to stop it in time.

BRAVO: Queer Eye for the Straight Truck (Reality): The Fab Five are turned loose to work their magic on a 1963 GMC grain truck.

HBO: Deadwood (Drama): The characters swear twice as often, hoping you’ll forget “The Sopranos.”

CSPAN: Partisan Bickering (Public Disgrace): Members of Congress make impassioned speeches to an audience consisting of CSPAN’s cameraman and people who didn’t pay their cable bill last month.