EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW, I LEARNED FROM SCOOBY-DOO

• Like Shaggy and Scooby, we are all perpetually trapped by fears of our own creation. These fears are so overpowering that they can blind us to the ease with which we can escape. If Shaggy and Scooby had simply quit trying to solve mysteries, they might never see another monster ever again. Of course, that just raises the question of whether they secretly longed to be scared out of their wits; perhaps, without the fear, they didn’t truly feel alive. Thus man is caught on the horns of an existential dilemma: it is possible to live without fear, but to do so makes one less than truly human.
• Beauty without purpose, as personified by Daphne, accomplishes little and eventually fades into the background, leaving one as a less-than-fully developed character.
• The world is not actually haunted by spirits, ghosts, monsters, and the like; rather, the love of money (or at least the inability to be satisfied with one’s own wealth) is the true root of all evil.
• Real estate is the only thing worth fighting for.
• Contra Ecclesiastes, not everything in the universe is cyclical: it will never again be acceptable for men to wear bright red kerchiefs around their necks. On the other hand, every man wishes he could dress like Shaggy, forever.
• A hungry man will eat the dog’s dinner. Thus, the key to keeping people controllable is to always keep them hungry and to control what and when they eat. If Shaggy had carried the Scooby Snacks, he would have had no need to associate himself with the others. Machiavelli understood this, but failed to put it in an animatable form.
• Knowledge without perspective is blind, viz. Velma without her glasses. One must have a lens of some sort with which to frame and focus reality; otherwise, the universe is merely a collection of meaningless, amorphous blobs, the contemplation of which leaves one pathetically vulnerable.
• Driving the van and pointing out the obvious is enough to justify one’s existence.
• Some people will watch anything if it has a talking dog in it.