AGAIN, A HIGH-CONCEPT LIST

Ten Recent Smurf Pop Culture Phenomena:

1. “The Real Slim Smurfy” by Smurfinurf
2. Eternal Smurfshine of the Smurfless Mind
3. Pastor Smurf’s inexplicably popular book The Smurfose-Driven Life
4. The Smurf Beach Diet
5. “You Smurf Me Up” by Smurf Groban
6. Smurf & Order: Smurfy Victims Unit
7. The Smurfinci Code
8. Drinking caismurfinas at authentic Brazilian smurfascerias
9. Blue Man Group
10. And, of course, mindless Internet smurfing

PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, 2005 SEASON PREVIEW

With the NBA draft finally over and the world’s supply of the interrogative “who?” temporarily depleted, it’s time to turn our thoughts once more to the only sport that really matters: college football. While it is far beyond the scope of this site to cover all aspects of the sport (mostly because I don’t give a rip about the Pac-10 or the SEC), we certainly can focus on college football the way it was meant to be played: Big Ten style.

LOOKING BACK, IF WE DARE

The story of 2004 involves both fantastic overachievement (Northwestern, Michigan, Iowa) and catastrophic underachievement (Wisconsin, Purdue, Penn State). The conference managed only a .500 record in bowl games, with Ohio State, Minnesota and Iowa managing victories, while Wisconsin, Michigan, and Purdue came up short. New stars like Michigan’s Mike Hart and Iowa’s Drew Tate emerged, while elsewhere, Jon Beutjer finally ran out of eligibility. As did his coach. Which leads us right to the annual proclamation that . . .

THE COACHING SITUATION IS IN FLUX

Two coaches found themselves on the wrong end of a U-Haul contract after last season: Indiana’s Gerry DiNardo, who didn’t get much of a chance to prove himself, and Illinois’ Ron Turner, who did. The Hoosier tapped Fake Miami’s Terry Hoeppner to take over their program, while Illinois, bypassing Frank Solich (who has always seemed like a Big Ten guy to me), extended a lifeline to deposed Florida coach Ron Zook.

So who could be in trouble in ‘05? Realistically, nobody. The two coaches in the league who have the most ground to regain are Wisconsin’s Barry Alvarez and Penn State’s Joe Paterno. Paterno, obviously, is untouchable. Alvarez would have to fire himself, since he doubles as Wisconsin’s athletic director. But both coaches are coming off disappointing seasons, with Wisconsin falling from #4 in the country at the start of November to completely hopeless by the end of the bowl season, while once again Penn State’s season never really started.

There is one coach who probably isn’t in trouble but may start to feel more heat, and that’s Joe Tiller at Purdue. Tiller is entering his ninth season as the Boilermaker’s coach, and while he’s been fantastically successful, his team essentially fell apart last season. Purdue’s schedule is extremely friendly this year, and Tiller returns a lot of talent; if his team fails to win nine games, Purdue fans can understandably ask him whether the program’s going in the right direction. But even if he goes 3-8, he’ll be back in ‘06.

I’ve given up on saying Glen Mason’s situation is touchy. No matter what, he’s the most successful Gopher coach since Murray Warmarth (not that there’s a lot of competition for that title) so he’s probably set for life. Anyway; enough of this; let’s look at the actual teams.

ILLINOIS: JUST WAIT ‘TIL NEXT YEAR

As already mentioned, Ron Zook takes over for The Brother Of Norv. We already know that he and Larry Eustachy have independently arrived at the conclusion that nothing good ever comes of middle-aged coaches going anywhere near a frat house after midnight. We also know that, if that wasn’t the reason he got whacked at Florida, his firing was probably unfair. He did OK with Spurrier’s players, and proved himself to be a good recruiter. (You’ll know this for certain this year or next, when Urban Meyer plays for a national title with Zook’s players.) So Indigenous Woodlands People fans have good reason to be optimistic.

Sort of. As we all know, there’s a big difference between a Steve Spurrier-type roster and a Ron Turner-type roster. Zook can take some comfort in the knowledge that he’s got one offensive playmaker (running back EB Halsey) and a QB (Chris Pazan) who has at least played in a Big Ten game before. Otherwise, he’s really going to have to teach this team everything. Look for Zook to have early success (Rutgers isn’t quite a gimme, but San Jose State certainly is), but otherwise, it’ll be one more year of the Illinois Traveling Bye-Week Squad.

Preseason Honors: Illinois wins this season’s Little Big Horn Helmet for the most suicidal non-conference road game, September 17 at California.

INDIANA: HOEPP, HOEPP, HOO . . . CARES?

So Terry Hoeppner has moved from the Cradle of Coaches to the Grave of Coaches. He inherits a cupboard even more empty than Ron Zook’s, with IU lacking playmakers of any sort. Seriously, I follow Big Ten football obsessively, and there’s nobody on the Hoosiers roster I’ve ever even heard of. When I first looked at this season’s schedule, I thought IU had a chance to start the season 3-0 (@ Central Michigan, Nicholls State, and the big smoking hole in the ground where Kentucky football used to be). But now I’m thinking that if any team in the conference is going to make an 0-fer, it’ll be the Hoosiers. Unless Hoeppner’s got some secret plan to turn this team around right now, that is.

Preseason Honors: IU athletic director Rick Greenspan gets the +5 Scepter of Pre-Emptive Striking for going to such lengths to ensure that he wouldn’t have to hire a football coach and a men’s basketball coach in the same year.

IOWA: THE PANTYHOSE EVERY WOMAN LONGS FOR

Because, of course, last season they could not run no matter what you did to them. The Hawks weren’t just last in the Big Ten in rushing . . . they were last, period, in Division I-A, averaging 74.9 yards per game, or about what Marion Barber III managed to gain in yards after contact per game. The culprit, of course, was an almost-conspiratorial string of knee injuries that left Kirk Ferentz forced to start an actual Iowa native at running back, the first time that’s happened since the days of Tavian Banks. (Prior to that, I think Nile Kinnick was the last starting Hawkeye RB who was actually from Iowa.) This meant that all of Iowa’s offense was resting on the narrow shoulders of sophomore QB Drew Tate.

Fortunately for the Hawks, he was up to the task. After a brutal drubbing by the Arizona State Sun Devils, the Hawks reeled off eight wins in a row to claim their third consecutive ten-win season, capped by an utterly improbable last-second Drew Tate to Warren Holloway touchdown pass which led to victory over LSU in the Capital One Bowl.

It was Holloway’s only catch of the season, proving that the Hawks were as deep at WR as they weren’t at RB.

The good news is, the running backs are all healthy now, and most of the offensive line returns, which means that Drew Tate probably won’t have to act like a low-carb Terry Bradshaw quite so often. The bad news is, msot of last season’s killer defensive line is gone, including defensive end Matt Roth, easily the meanest Hawkeye since Alex Karras. The linebacker tandem of Abdul Hodge and Chad Greenway returns, but extra obligations in run-stopping will keep them closer to the line of scrimmage, meaning that the key to moving the ball on the Hawks this year will be making sure your third WR gets open once in a while. (Forget about 1 and 2: Antawn Allen and Jovon Johnson have come a long way.)

Will the Hawks make it four ten-win seasons in a row? A lot of people seem to think so, with some preseason rankings having them listed as high as second. That’s maybe a bit generous, but barring an injury to Drew Tate, there’s no question this Hawkeye team has more to work with than last year’s did–and you saw what they did last year.

Preseason Honors: The Hawkeyes collectively earn the Bill Snyder Golden Cupcake Award for scheduling a game against Northern Iowa. Mythical state championships aside, this program has come too far to wind up playing a I-AA directional school from its own state.

MICHIGAN: OH, BOTHER; CAN’T YOU JUST GIVE US A BCS BERTH?

It was a great season until the last three seconds of the Rose Bowl, when Mack Brown proved he can win a big game . . . just not The Big Game. By usurping eminence grise Matt Gutierrez, QB Chad Henne proved that a Michigan shoulder injury is about the same as a Soviet cold, at least in terms of its effect on a person’s continued livelihood. True freshman RB Mike Hart was also stellar, leading the Big Ten in rushing. With Jason Avant and Steve Breaston also back, it looks like it’ll be another year just like all the others, with the conference title being Michigan’s to lose, before the season even starts.

Or at least it would, if the Wolverines only had to play offense. The secondary (which was excellent last year) is all new, and while the front seven is talented, it’s by no means great by Michigan’s high standards–and unless those new DBs make some immediate contributions, it could get ugly for the Wolverine defense. They’ll still wind up at or near the top of the conference, though.

Preseason Honors: Michigan collectively earns the Col. Sanders Bucket for Outstanding Achievement in Chickenousness for not playing a non-conference road game this season. In fact, their only real road test will be a trip to Kinnick Stadium on October 22nd. (Stifle it, Badger fans . . . you know I’m right.)

MICHIGAN STATE: I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?

Last year’s Spartan team was streakier than the glassware at Applebee’s. The same team that made a #4 Wisconsin team look like a pick-up squad from Mr. Stephen’s Barber College had to rally to beat Indiana. Ultimately, “John L. Smith” (whom I still contend is actually Terry Bowden under an assumed name) couldn’t get his squad into a bowl game, because they couldn’t get over on Hawaii when they really needed to. Things look marginally better for Sparty this season, with Drew Stanton and Jehuu Caulcrick ready to provide offensive pressure, and a competent defense returning mostly intact. Plus there’s a nifty revenge game against the now-Changless Rainbows the second week of the season. Rose Bowl? Dream on. Alamo Bowl? It could happen . . .

Preseason Honors: The Inaptronym of the Year Award goes to Spartan TE Kyle Sackrider . . . with a name like “Sackrider,” why isn’t he a linebacker?

MINNESOTA: THIRTEEN FANS CAN’T BE WRONG

We’ll cut to the chase: Marion Barber III is gone, and it appears Marion Barber IV isn’t even born yet. So it’s all up to Laurence Moroney now; there’s no question he’s The Man for this year’s Gopher squad. The problem is, he shouldn’t be. Not that he’s not up to the task; it’s just that Minnesota has been an offense in search of a defense for pretty much all of Glen Mason’s tenure, and things probably won’t change this year. Mason did a good job recruiting some prized DBs right out of Jim Tressel’s back yard, but unless they’re ready to play right away, look for the Gophers to step back a little bit.

Preseason Honors: Give Minnesota’s entire administration the GREETINGS HONORABLE SIR E-Mail of Shame for finally solving their stadium problem by accepting a huge donation towards a new on-campus stadium from a South Dakota banker who, it turns out, didn’t actually have the money. You’d think, after the North Stars’ exodus and two totally separate Vikings non-purchases, people in Minnesota would be unusually skeptical of any sports financing scheme, but I guess not.

NORTHWESTERN: STILL PLAYING FOOTBALL

Here’s the only stat that matters from last season: Northwestern coach Randy Walker is 1-0 lifetime against cardiac infections. So, even though, his squad took a small step back last season and missed the bowl games, at least Walker’s still around to join “John L. Smith” in the International We Hate Hawaii Club. Lamentably, since there’s no replacing Noel Herron, this year’s NU team faces some diminished prospects. They start the season with Frank Solich’s debut as Ohio U’s coach, then host the still-ticked-off Northern Illinois Huskies, before traveling to Arizona State. And then it gets tough. I really don’t know about this year’s Wildcats.

Preseason Honors: Give QB Brett Basanez the Scotch Tape Transparent Achievement Roll. Maybe it’s because he only threw 12 TDs, but I’m amazed more people aren’t aware that Basanez had a pretty good season last year, throwing for more yards (and fewer INTs) than Drew Tate or Chad Henne.

OHIO STATE: THE ODDS ARE GOOD, BUT THE GOODS ARE ODD

Mo Clarett’s gone, and the NCAA seems to be about as interested in investigating the Buckeye program as Tom Sneddon is interested in investigating a certain kabuki-faced former King of Pop. So maybe now it can be about the football again.

Problem is, I’m not buying what the punditocracy is selling. Ted Ginn Jr. is phenomenal, and AJ Hawk is the best linebacker east of the Mississippi, but QB Troy Smith is, in my opinion, badly overrated. He’s too easily rattled, and without much in the way of experience at the RB position, he’s going to be expected to do way too much. He’ll have all the time in the world to throw the ball, but mark my word, Buckeye fans will be cursing his name by mid-season.

Oh, and no WAY will they get over on Texas just because the game’s in the Horseshoe. I don’t care if Texas will be wearing horseshoes; they’re going to beat Ohio State. Look for this year’s Buckeye squad to fall just short of the top of the standings . . . which should tell you that I don’t see them beating Michigan, either.

Preseason Honors: This year’s Jon Beutjer Memorial Golden Transcript is split between kicker Josh Huston, a sixth-year senior, and linebacker Anthony Schlegel, who was playing for Air Force back when it was still the Army Air Corps.

PENN STATE: BITE YOUR TONGUES, EVERYBODY

The harshest dis I’ve ever seen one coach lay upon another happened last year in the infamous “pitcher’s duel” between Penn State and Iowa. Up 6-2 with plenty of time left in the 4th quarter, but pinned deep in Nit territory by a stifling Penn State defense, Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz opted to take a safety (I know, it looked accidental, but trust me, it wasn’t) and put a Penn State victory only a field goal away.

You could say he did this out of respect for Penn State’s defense. You could say his did this out of respect for his own defense. But I think he knew something nobody else wanted to say: Penn State didn’t have any playmakers on offense. So he knew he had nothing to lose by putting the ball in their hands and essentially daring them to win the game. It’s one thing to kick the ball away and know that the other team will need to get 80 yards or so to win. But to cut that margin down to only 50? That takes something special–like a perfectly accurate assessment of what’s gone wrong with Penn State football since the Kerry Collins era. They just don’t have the number or the quality of difference-makers that they used to.

Think about it: there have been only two Nits in the past decade whom opponents had to account for at all times: LaVar Arrington and Larry Johnson. Other than that, well, who on last year’s Penn State roster would you have counted on to get your team fifty yards when they really, really needed it? The only correct answer is “Nobody”–maybe somebody could have, but the record shows, nobody did.

Maybe that’s just bad luck. Maybe the game’s passed Paterno by. Maybe he’s been too loyal to his assistants. Maybe the recruiting services were wrong in their assessment of Penn State’s talent.

Or maybe they’ve just been going after the wrong people, in the wrong way. At any rate, they’d better hope they don’t find themselves in the same situation this year, because I’m still not sure who is going to come up huge when they need it. It’s a shame. The Nittany Lions will have one of the best defenses in all of college football this season, and it probably still won’t be enough to get them back to a bowl game.

Preseason Honors: The Holland-Dozier-Holland Plaque for Best Unheralded Teamwork belongs to Nit cornerbacks Alan Zemaitis and Anwar Phillips, easily the best tandem of CBs in college football right now . . . and if you don’t think so, I guess you haven’t seen them play.

PURDUE: SOMEBODY PROP OPEN THE WINDOW

It isn’t often you seen a player go from clear-cut Heisman frontrunner to #2 on the depth chart in the course of three games, but that happened to Kyle Orton last season. He wasn’t playing well during that dreadful season-ending stretch, but let’s be fair–neither was the rest of the team.

You hate to use words like “disappointment” or “underachievers” when you’re talking about college football players, but how else can you describe last year’s Boilermakers? Everybody knew they were going to be something special, and for two months, they were. But all of a sudden, they seemed to forget how to play as a team.

They won’t forget this year, especially not on defense. Every starter is back. And there’s enough returning talent on the other side of the ball to keep Purdue fans’ hopes up. Factor in what may be the greatest scheduling assist in Big Ten history (no Michigan or Ohio State, and Iowa’s coming to West Lafayette), and there seems to be no reason why this team can’t contend for the conference title.

But then, there wasn’t any reason last year.

Preseason Honors: I’m granting QB Brandon Kirsch the Wally Pipp Foonote for Most Unwelcome But Necessary Replacement for his yeoman work under adverse circumstances last season, filling in for Kyle Orton when Orton wasn’t getting it done. Kirsch wasn’t amazing, but this season, he should get a chance to stretch out and shine a little bit.

WISCONSIN: ANCIENT ALGONQUIAN WORD FOR “WHAT JUST HAPPENED?”

Hate to close this preview on a sustained tone of letdown, but let’s face it, last season was supposed to be better for the Badgers, too. Until the woefully inconsistent Spartans managed to put together sixty minutes of stellar football, that is. Still, at least Wisky’s season-ending losing streak was only three games, right?

Wrong. Purdue was at least in every game it lost.

So now what for Barry Alvarez’s crew? Another step backwards, I’m afraid. The picture might be a little brighter if Booker Stanley hadn’t found it necessary to lip of to the Madison cops during a block party this spring. Instead, he’s suspended and QB John Stocco joins FB Matt Bernstein as the only Badger offensive backs with any meaningful game experience, let alone starting experience.

The situation is even worse on the other side of the ball, where Anttaj Hawthorne, Erasmus James, and Jim Leonhard are all gone. How can you replace the heart of your defense and your offense in the Big Ten and win even six games, let alone nine?

I’m pretty sure you can’t.

Preseason Honors: I can’t think of any.

PREDICTED ORDER OF FINISH

1. Michigan: Like I said, the conference is always theirs to lose. Dang it.
2. Iowa: If Tate, Hodge, and Greenway could carry this team last year, who wants to bet against them with one more year of experience?
3. Purdue: It’s now or never; if Tiller can’t get over the hump with this defense and this schedule, he never will.
4. Ohio State: But I still think they’re overrated.
5. Minnesota: Maybe, just maybe, they won’t have to go to Nashville this season.
6. Michigan State: Needs to find some consistency.
7. Penn State: Heck yeah, they’d gladly go to the Motor City Bowl.
8. Northwestern: Reeling, but healing
9. Wisconsin: The cupboard is just too bare for this team to go very far.
10. Illinois: Improving, but in the Big Ten, improvement doesn’t always equal more wins.
11. Indiana: Going nowhere slowly.