SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #9

(Yeah, I know, I said SEAG was dead . . . it’s my blog and I’ll change my mind if I want to!)

Welcome to another in the now-irregular series (OK, the now-irregular-in-at-least-two-senses-of-the-word-”irregular” series), The Search Engine Answer Guy, in which a lone blogger attempts to redirect the misdirected who have mistakenly come to this site seeking information that, frankly, is not to be found here or, in most cases, anywhere. While occasionally I am able to provide searchers with the information they seek, the main point of SEAG is to look at the unusual things people seek on the internet, unaware that their IPs are logged right along with their search terms . . . but anyway, on to this most recent batch of queries.

dip throat and mark felt

Dip lip, I’ve heard of. Dip throat would seem to suggest a certain unfamiliarity with the process of chewing tobacco. What any of this has to do with W. Mark Felt is beyond me. At any rate, if you’re swallowing your tobacco spit, the burn in your throat probably has more to do with your vomiting nineteen times a day.

bible passages planting vegetables in rows hell

Maybe, if you’re from one of those wacked-out snotty suburbs where CEOs and therapists pay people to chew their food for them, gardening sounds like eternal punishment. Most of us who have actually done it find the process enjoyable.

resale value dragonlance

About half the cover price, unless you find some barefoot pilgrim on eBay.

what happened to slice lemon-lime

They replaced it with Sierra Mist. This is in keeping with PepsiCo’s recent burst of letting other companies innovate, then rushing a “me-too” product to market. Although, in this case, 7-Up and Sprite had already been around a long time. But perish forbid Pepsi should sell a product somebody else doesn’t make . . .

fake tree cladding

Most of us call it “bark.”

ford tempo regular scheduled maintenance

Well, it wouldn’t be an installment of SEAG without a little Ford Tempo smack . . . To avoid mechanical breakdown in your Tempo, replace engine, transmission, electrical system, fuel system, and brakes every 3 months or 3,000 miles.

does seinfeld really appear on colin cowherd

Here . . . you might find this useful.

veneer virginity photos

OK, for those of you keeping track, that’s two frightening tree-related search phrases now.

lutherans obligation to attend worship

Never use the word “obligation” around people with an inborn fear of works righteousness.

how do blow fish defend their selves

They point out that they’ve sold a lot more CDs than you ever will.

lutheran book of worship jukebox

If there is one, it’s in some Garrison Keillor short story that not even The New Yorker would publish, since lutefisk jokes are so 1983. But considering that the Home Depot’s commercial music rocks harder than anything in the LBW, I’m guessing that not even Uncle Gary would find this concept plausible. However, if there is an LBW jukebox, I bet it takes communion wafers in place of coins.

do football players wear cups?

According to Tim Green, not really.

four words you never want to hear

“Honey . . . where’s the Pine-Sol?”

fear of egg yolk phobia

The technical term is sulfurgassoflatulenceacrumblytexturegackophobia.

mc donalds tartar sauce recipe

Mayonnaise, pickle relish, and spackle.

download free songs we didn t start the fire

I feel ya, dawg . . . I wouldn’t pay to hear that song, either.

where was jessica simpson when she thought the bag was a jellyfish

In front of a camera.

lyrics to summer lovin by grease singers

Summer lovin’, this song is bad
Summer lovin, our skills are sad
Summer lovin’, we’re singin’ swill
Summer lovin, it pays the bills

Crappy plays, nostalgia pays
Don’t forget the mo-oo-vie rights
(A-well-a-well-a-well-a-well, tell me more, tell me more, is it really a fact?
Is it true, is it true, we sing worse than we act?)

Summer lovin’, plunder the past
Summer lovin’, do it half . . . heartedly
Irony, ersatz fifties
Makes Gen-X miss their seventies roots
(A-well-a-well-a-well-a-well, tell me more, tell me more, was Mike Watt really right?
Tell me more, tell me more, why this film is a blight)

(slowly)
Summer films, candyfloss thrills
But oh, those residualll………..
CHEH-EEEEECKSSSS!!
(Pay me more, pay me more, payyy meee moooooooorrrrrrrrrre!)

kurt warner iowa state college major

Well, I can tell you why this search bombed: he went to Northern Iowa.

what is a preseasoned football game??

One you don’t have to salt yourself?

leukemia pork christian book

Scurvy plastic libertarian monocle? Palsy scented Moravian boots?

lavar arrington married wilbon

Doubtful. I’m pretty sure that would have made the news.

cool chevy citations

Wow . . . there isn’t a 404 big enough for that.

radar love best driving song ever

Not even close, in my opinion, and that’s what this blog is all about.