THE DABBLER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL

With the approach of the college football season (now only eight days away), we here at The Bemusement Park, as part of our court-ordered community service efforts, are happy to provide a helpful guide for the incoming fan who wants to be able to talk a good game without all the messy investments of fandom, such as staying up until 2 AM to catch the repeat of the Ball State-Central Michigan game, listening to those “ask the coach” radio shows (since those are always sheer death), or hanging out at message boards discussing the latest rumors about recruits who may be slightly inclined to your program. We at TBP want you to know that you can be a happy, functional college football fan without resorting to such measures. Heck, you can even become a pundit! Forthwith, let’s get into the least you need to know about college football so you don’t embarrass yourself too badly at the water cooler, sports bar, or broadcast booth.

THE BIG QUESTIONS

What is college football?

College football is the most perfect sport ever. It accents everything that is great about America: the accessibility of higher education, the prominence of sport and recreation, our glorious autumn weather, enumerated lists of ten to twenty-five items, regional bigotry, mob violence, and, of course, outrageous cheating. Whosoever would understandeth America, must needs be understandeth college football.

What makes college football better than the NFL?

Basically, it’s more accessible. The typical big-time college stadium is bigger than an NFL stadium, plus there are over 100 teams playing college football at the Division I-A level, meaning there’s probably one near you. In fact, if you factor in Division I-AA, there’s a program in 49 of the 50 states. (Alaska is the lone holdout. Too bad; imagine the homefield advantage Alaska would have late in the season when it’s -30 and dark at a 1:30 kickoff.) Likewise, since the entire roster of a college program turns over every 4-5 years, the college football fan can root for an individual player much longer than the typical NFL fan.

What’s the deal with the national championship?

Prior to a couple years ago, the NCAA did not officially recognize a national champion in Division I-A football. Consequently, a “national title” meant finishing at the top of one of the myriad polls which afflictdescribe the college football scene. Reliance on polls created much controversy, such as split national titles and spurious claims to national championships based on obscure polls no one has ever heard of. (For instance, the University of Alabama claims to hold 436 national titles in college football, based on some obscure polls such as Sagarin, New York Times, and the AT&T Alphabetical Poll of College Football Programs.)

Thankfully, after a decade of the BCS, the era of split national titles or championship contenders being determined by Byzantine formulae has completely ended. This is why everyone loves the BCS so much.

What is the Heisman Trophy?

To a winner, it’s the pinnacle of achievement, a sign of a job well done. To fans of a winner’s team, it’s validation of your program’s specialness, a sign that the faith you’ve always had in your star was recognized by others as well. To fantasy football owners, it’s a warning flag, a sign that you should delete this player from your AutoDraft queue just in case you wrote down the draft time incorrectly.

Will there ever be a playoff in Division I-A?

No. Some of the players want a playoff. Most of the coaches don’t. Most sportswriters do. Pretty much all fans do. University presidents and athletic directors don’t. The reason they cite is that the players already lose too much academic time to the regular season and the bowl games (nearly all of which are played during breaks in the academic calendar). And this is correct, which is why there are no playoffs in Division I-AA, Division II, Division III, the NAIA, the NJCAA, every state high-school league, and YMCA youth flag football.

Trust me, there’s only one reason that Division I-A football has no playoffs, and that’s because it’s entirely too hard to get 75,000 fans to make travel plans with only a week’s notice. If university presidents and athletic directors thought there was a way to make money off of playoffs, March Madness would pale in comparison to December Delerium.

Is Steve Spurrier evil?

Yes.

SELECTING A TEAM

Most college football fans acquire their allegiances in early childhood and rarely waver throughout their lifetimes. Typically, fans select the team closest to them geographically, or at least another team in the same state. However, as a mere dabbler in college football, you would do well not to follow this protocol. Selecting a team near you increases the odds you’ll be exposed to deep, intense fandom, which would require you to read recruiting sites and perform other distasteful activities. Instead, we offer these three simple principles to help you select a team to follow without having to become overly invested in fanhood:

• The Separation Principle suggests that you select a team at least two states removed from your current residence, and further if possible. This decreases the amount you will actually have to know to be considered an expert on your team. For instance, a Wyoming fan in New Jersey probably wouldn’t even need to know where the University of Wyoming is located, at least not more specifically than “Wyoming.”
• The Anti-Bandwagon Principle suggests that you avoid a team which has recently won a national title, lest you be accused of being nothing more than a front runner. This is, for instance, a very dangerous time to suddenly discover a passion for Southern Cal football. Be careful, however, not to select a team which is clearly descending into irrelevance. It’s a pretty dangerous time to suddenly become a Nebraska fan, too. Good, safe choices for the dabbler include Arizona State (a team which is always one year away from a big breakthrough), UTEP (an ascending program which most people in Texas don’t even know about), Connecticut (a decent team that just joined I-A a couple years ago, thereby obviating the need for a dabbler to know anything at all about the program’s history), and Navy (because nobody can possibly question why you’re a Navy fan; that would be unpatriotic).
• The Alberts-Corso Principle demands that you shy away from any football team which, through a consensus of analysts, has become the official Brightly-Lit Dark Horse. For the 2005 season, this means stay the heck away from Louisville.

Finally (with appropriate apologies, gentlemen), avoid picking a team in the Sun Belt conference, as it will indicate a lack of familiarity with the entire enterprise of college football. The WAC is acceptable, so long as you stick to Boise State or Fresno State.

BECOMING A PUBLIC FAN

Start small. If all of a sudden you’re flying a giant Tennessee Volunteers flag from your flagpole, or you trade in your regular license plates for ones reading “ROLTIDE,” everybody’s going to know something unwholesome is going on. Hats and coffee mugs are always permissible. A static-cling sticker in your car’s back window also works, but be prepared for everyone to assume that you went to the college in question. (Or worse. I am a proud, sticker-bearing alumnus of Minnesota State University, but everybody thinks I’m just a fan of the old TV show “Coach.”)

The stickier question is when, in the course of fandom, it becomes appropriate to buy a jersey to wear on game days. While this is a decision every fan must make for himself or herself, it is well to recognize that a decent jersey (not one of those cheapo iron-on dealy-bobs) can cost upward of $70, which will get you two tickets to many college football games. Thus, when it becomes more important to you that everyone sees your solidarity with your team than that you actually see your team play in person, jersey purchasing becomes appropriate. However, at this point, you can no longer be considered a “dabbler” but are now, irrevocably, a “fan,” so it’s also time to start thinking of a witty message-board handle.

It is never appropriate to paint your vehicle in your team’s colors, and that goes double if you drive a Beetle.

DEALING WITH SUCCESS

Should your team achieve a modicum of success and be invited to a bowl game, you can anticipate being asked if you plan to go. Be prepared to have a few excuses handy to deflect such queries, lest your fandom be called into question. “We’ve already got vacation plans for the holidays” is good, because it shows that you have a Sense Of Perspective On The Game. Even better, though, is the all-purpose excuse “I just didn’t think they’d be that good this year, so I didn’t set aside any time/money for something like this.” It gives you cause to appear pleased that your team has been invited to the Farnham’s Biscuit Flour Gadsden Bowl. This greatly increases your bona fides with non-sports fans, without making you look like the kind of lunatic who would take out a second mortgage just to go to a football game.

DEALING WITH FAILURE

Low-key is the approach here. You can’t let it look like it affects you too much, but an excessive detachment will bring your sincerity into question. Stick to phrases like “I guess [other team] was better than than I thought they were,” “We got killed by sloppy execution,” or “I really wonder about [coach]’s clock management sometimes.” The last of these is especially useful, since no coach, ever, has been described as “a good clock manager.”

WHEN TO MOVE ON

There comes a time when the dabbler needs to cut his or her losses and find a new team to follow, and that time is the minute you hear the coach utter the phrase “West Coast offense.”

Hopefully, this Dabbler’s Guide has given you motivation to begin a career of pseudofandom. We here at TBP anxiously await your feedback as you attempt to put these principles into practice. If there is a topic you wish we would have covered but did not, please let us know and we’ll get on it eventually.