PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v05.1

Stupid rodents. If the Lawn Rats didn’t think that they just had to play a game tonight, I could write this on Friday morning like I’m supposed to. Instead, here I am, forced to peck away at the keyboard whilst under the influence of over-the-counter allergy medicine, which means this week’s picks could be extra-crappy.

If you’re looking for a really good football game this weekend, look to some other conference. Not that a couple of these games might not turn out to be good, but the evidence going in is that most of these games are your typical first week of the season mismatches. There are only two Big Ten teams playing games against BCS opponents–and they’re both from the Big East. Otherwise, it’s Tune-Up Week. Mostly. As you’ll see anon, at least one of these Big Ten teams is likely to find themselves wishing they’d scheduled somebody from the Sun Belt.

So let’s start with tonight’s game:

MINNESOTA @ TULSA

You can see this game tonight on ESPN2, which is about two or three ESPNs too high. Or maybe not. I’m sure that South Carolina/Central Florida game will be much worse. At any rate, I wouldn’t take Tulsa too lightly. This is a team with a well-balanced rushing/passing attack, and remember, they beat UTEP in the season closer last year and played Boise State to within a field goal. Minnesota, meanwhile, may–may–not be able to run the ball quite so well this season without their two-pronged rushing attack, and Glen Mason’s teams have never been known for their ability to stop any offense from doing anything. I think the Golden Golfers prevail, but this will be a pretty close game.

D-CON FODDER 34
POLITICALLY INCORRECT NICKNAME 28

And, perish forbid, there’s a game on Friday, too:

INDIANA @ CENTRAL MICHIGAN

It’s great to see two MAC teams hooking up so early in the season.

OK, OK, that was too easy. Central Michigan is gradually getting better under Brian Kelly (helped along by some weakness in the lower echelons of the MAC), while I can’t help but wonder if Terry Hoeppner might’ve had more talent at Miami than he now has at IU. Last year IU ran away with this game in Bloomington, but whither 2005? Probably the same result, and likely one of the few bright spots in a long season for the Hoosier faithful.

STEVE ALFORD 44
DAN MAJERLE 13

Now, at long last, the games on Saturday, when they belong:

RUTGERS @ ILLINOIS

The Zook Era begins here, with a depleted Indigenous Woodlands People squad facing off against Greg Schiano’s crew, probably the only five-win Rutgers team ever to be considered “underachieving.” Zook will have to prove his coaching mettle fairly quickly, since he has little talent or experience on either side of the ball. Rutgers should make a game of it, but like the Hoeppner Era in Bloomington, the first weekend of Zook’s reign looks bright.

EXIT 14, IF YOU MUST KNOW 24
YOU CAN’T HIDE YOUR ILLINI 27

BALL STATE @ IOWA

Finally, a MACrifice worthy of the name. Iowa will try to get a running game established, just to prove that it is possible for them to do so. The Hawkeyes will have to do without CB Antwan Allen, serving a one-game suspension, but let’s face, he wasn’t going to play past halftime anyway.

JASON WHITLOCK, COME HOME 10
BIRDS THIS WEEK, BIRDS AGAIN NEXT WEEK 63

NORTHERN ILLINOIS @ MICHIGAN

Don’t underestimate the Huskies, who should make a decent run at the MAC West this season, but they’re no match at all for Michigan. A halfway-close game, relatively speaking, but not much of a challenge for the Wolverines, who should have a chance to show off their offense and tune up their defense before facing Notre Dame next week.

NOT QUITE THE SUBURBS OF CHICAGO 13
NOT QUITE NATIONAL CONTENDERS 34

KENT STATE @ MICHIGAN STATE

The Wolverine fans have me convinced that Drew Stanton is basically Michael Vick’s younger, faster, more athletic cousin. He won’t need to be much faster than Vicks Vap-O-Rub to handle the Golden Flashes.

THE ACADEMIC BEACON OF SOUTHWESTERN NORTHEASTERN OHIO 21
GREEN GROWS THE RUSHING GAME 45

OHIO @ NORTHWESTERN

This is not a bad matchup for Frank Solich’s return to college football. Frankie will need a couple seasons to implement his trademark power rushing game, but the squishy defense should be available pretty much right away.

GO BIG . . . GREEN? 17
THE ANTI-LINCOLN 35

FAKE MIAMI @ OHIO STATE

If Terry Hoeppner hadn’t bolted for IU (why?), this game would be such a trap that you’d expect to see Admiral Ackbar on the tOSU sideline. First game of the season, a big-time opponent looming next week, Troy Smith sitting out an NCAA handslap . . . it’s all there. But, since there’s a new coach in Oxford, I’m guessing that Tressel’s Troops will be able to handle the RedHawks pretty handily, if a bit less decisively than the Buckeye faithful would like. Miami could even hang around for three quarters of this one.

GATEWAY TO HAMILTON 23
DALLAS DOESN’T MISS TROY THIS MUCH 38

SOUTH FLORIDA @ PENN STATE

If JoePa finally has the offensive tools to get the job done, he’d better start showing them now. The Bulls were a little woebegone last season, finishing below .500, though not as far as Penn State did. It’s very possible that the Nits could pitch the shutout to start the season–their defense is that good, and USF’s offense is that questionable. The “Joe Must Go” chants quiet down, at least for one week.

RED BULL 3
BLUE CURACAO 21

BOWLING GREEN @ WISCONSIN

The Falcons scored 40 or more points in their last seven games last year and return a quarterback who may be the best in college football not to win the Heisman last season. The Badgers are replacing their entire secondary, along with big chunks of their front seven and key portions of their offense. What does that mean? The Badgers won’t be able to score points anywhere near as fast as they’ll be giving them up. BGSU knows that, as a MAC team, they don’t have any losses to give. They won’t walk away from Madison without taking care of business.

AIRBORNE 48
SUCKING WIND 24

Next week:

• San Jose State @ Illinois: The Young and the Hopeless
• Nicholls State @ Indiana: Beating up on hurricane victims? That’s just weak
• Iowa @ Iowa State: For once, both teams have a shot at great seasons
• Notre Dame @ Michigan: Charlie and the Football Factory
• Hawaii @ Michigan State: The over-under is 246
• Colorado State @ Minnesota: Nobody thinks CSU is that hot anymore, so they’ll probably win
• Northern Illinois @ Northwestern: Will the MAC have its revenge?
• Texas @ Ohio State: Game of the Century of the Week
• Cincinnati @ Penn State: Another win for JoePa before the bottom drops out?
• Temple @ Wisconsin: Temple still plays fooball?