PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v05.2

It’s just us here, right? Nobody’s listening in? Good.

I flippin’ hate the first week of the season. I mean, having football back is wonderful, but picking these goofy first-week games is resolutely non-wonderful. It’s not easy running down stats on every Rubschlager University or Mr. Stephen’s Barber College that these athletic directors can dig up. Week two is always much better, because the teams have already played once and I can get a better idea who’s got it and who doesn’t.

Except for this year.

Nobody in the Big Ten lost last week. I know I picked Wisconsin to take a dive, but hey, how was I to know Brian Calhoun was Brian Calhoun? Meanwhile, we’re off to this week where the games get a little better–but only a little.

SAN JOSE STATE @ ILLINOIS

In much the same way that I felt Michigan State didn’t get enough credit last season for a rare accomplishment–coming from behind to beat Indiana, something hardly anyone ever does–I think the Zooker is getting the shaft for his equally rare overtime victory over Rutgers. In all seriousness, that was a great way to start the season for the Illini. Here is a team that has had basically nothing to celebrate or rally around for the past three seasons, and now they’ve got a gutty victory over a team that many people think is actually kind of good. That’s the kind of momentum which can lead to overachievement.

Wow. That’s probably the most kind words I’ve had to say about the Patently Offensive Indigenous Woodlands People since I started writing POTB10 some (mumble) years ago. Anyway, San Jose State is in one of its semi-permanent rebuilding cycles, with a new coach (Dick Tomey) who has actually had some success in the past. Hey, maybe he can even get Jeff Garcia U to climb up the WAC ranks, provided they can get beyond the big smoking hole in the ground where Boise State’s season used to be. But I doubt–very much doubt–that SJSU will be able to win at Illinois this weekend.

FUNNY, HE NEVER WAS ONE TO ME 20
ZOOK OUT, HERE WE COME 27

NICHOLLS STATE @ INDIANA

IU chartered a flight for Nicholls State, so this game will be played. Pretty sad when you have to fly in hurricane victims to pick up your last victory of the season.

DO WE HAVE TO GO BACK? 10
NAAH, WE’LL PLAY YOU EVERY WEEK 34

IOWA @ IOWA STATE

Two teams, one of which wasn’t tested last week, and one of which shouldn’t have been tested, but was. The Hawks rolled past a decimated Ball State team, pulling most of their starters midway through the second quarter. Meanwhile in Ames, the Cyclopaths struggled to put away perennial Gateway Conference also-ran Illinois State. Dan McCarney was furious after this one, lambasting his team for sloppy play and stating, “We’ll have to be the most-improved team in college football from week one to week two” if the Clones were to have a chance this week.

(Oh, stifle. I watched Tulsa last week. OU doesn’t have to get any better to roll it up on the Golden Hurricanes.)

This is, of course, a Rivalry Game, which means that you can toss the stats out the window and pick this game on pure emotion if you feel like it. But I just can’t help but think that last week, the Clones wouldn’t have stood a chance against Ball State. They were putrid. Even if the game’s in Ames, I think the Hawks should cruise to an easy win. Eventually.

YEAH, WELL, BRING ON HOFSTRA 13
STILL NOT REALLY CHALLENGED THAT MUCH 38

NOTRE DAME @ MICHIGAN

Wow. I mean, wow. I didn’t think you could implement an NFL system at the college level at all, let alone get it up and running for the first week of the season, but I’ve got to say, I saw it happen last week. You could’ve switched the uniforms and nobody could’ve told the difference. In fact, you could almost close your eyes and swear you were listening to a pro game.

Yep, Pitt looked exactly like the Miami Dolphins last week.

Meanwhile in the Midwest, I didn’t think that Notre Dame would actually have the upper hand going into this game, but Michigan’s defense looks wobblier than a marmalade gazebo. If Notre Dame can get the ground game established, I’m thinking Michigan may not have a shot in this game. And part of me is also thinking that even if ND can’t run the ball, Charlie is just going to uncork some pass routes which up until now have been purely theoretical. Michigan’s best hope in this game is to score so often that they have to fly in the Camp Randall scoreboard operator from last week’s UW-BGSU game. But I’m not sure even that will be enough. The thing we Big Tenors have feared the most could be coming true–Notre Dame may be coming back hard.

WEIS MEN TREAD TO FEAR 33
RUSH IN, FOOLS 31

HAWAII @ MICHIGAN STATE

I’m hoping for Sparty to hang nine TDs on the Bows. That would be a sign that running it up on June Jones is really no big deal.

ACTUALLY, ‘ALOHA’ MEANS ‘MOMMY!’ 12
DREW YOU REALLY WANNA HURT ME? 56

COLORADO STATE @ MINNESOTA

I can think of at least two reasons why Bradlee Van Pelt had better not attend this game.

LUBICK’S CUBE 20
PLAYING UNDERNEATH PARACHUTE PANTS 44

NORTHERN ILLINOIS @ NORTHWESTERN

The Huskies looked pretty good against Michigan last week, even if they lost. They were able to move the ball acceptably (though that may be no great accomplishment this season), and their defense was able to hold the Wolverines well under the half-a-hundred they usually hang on their annual MACrificial lamb. Northwestern, on the other hand, was nicely efficient in spoiling Frank Solich’s return to the sidelines, not letting Ohio U do very much until late in the game. So I guess the real question is, who’s better? I’ll take NIU, what with their more complete offense and their having faced a good opponent already.

When is NIU joining the Big Ten, anyway?

DeKALB: CITY OF INTRIGUE 34
HEY, THAT’S OUR TAGLINE 24

TEXAS @ OHIO STATE

Why are they even bothering to play this game? Everything I’ve read or heard this week has led me to believe that there’s no way Texas can win this game since OSU is ranked in the top ten, and even if there were, there’s no way Ohio State could lose, since this is a non-conference game in Columbus in September. If the outcome is already decided, why bother playing the game at all?

These two teams are evenly matched on the lines. OSU is better at linebacker and wideout. Texas is better at running back (oh boy, are they better at running back) and defensive backfield. We’ll call that a push, too. Special teams are what they are. This game may well become Vince Young v. the committee of Troy Smith and Justin Zwick, and the only question may be, who’s going to get the yips first?

My money’s on Smith. He’s a good QB, but I think he’s been a wee bit oversold. Zwick’s OK, but he’s no better than OK. I know it’s unthinkable to Buckeye Nation, but Ted Ginn and AJ Hawk can’t do everything for this team. Mack Brown may be the Emeril Lagasse of college football (from fifty yards, the cooking looks great, but up close you realize that it’s all been thrown together and blasted with magical pixie dust), but last I checked, Emeril still turned out some tasty chow. Texas, but it’ll be close.

THE MAC(K) THAT GETS OVER ON tOSU 23
WAIT TILL NEXT . . . SORRY, WRONG SCHOOL 21

CINCINNATI @ PENN STATE

JoePa’s right. People are starting to get on his case. “Take away a long run by Tony Hunt and another by Justin King, and what have you got? Last season!” Well, sure. Take away the M-I-L from “million” and you’ve got “lion,” too.

Seriously, if the offen”sieve” line is going to play like that, it’s going to be another 3-8 season for the Nitty Kitty Dirt Nap. But look at the bright side–this’ll be one of the three.

ARE WE AN ACADEMIC POWERHOUSE YET? 7
IS IT TIME FOR ‘MURDER, SHE WROTE’ YET? 17

AKRON @ PURDUE

The Purdue Boilermakers, who will not play Michigan or Ohio State this season, took the first week of the season where they will not play Michigan or Ohio State off. Thus, this game, which is not against Michigan or Ohio State, is their opener for this season during which they will not face Michigan or Ohio State. The Boilermakers, who will not play Michigan or Ohio State this season, return all their defensive starters from last season, a season during which they faced both Michigan and Ohio State, which they will not do this season. Akron is a pretty good MAC team, but they’re certainly not Michigan or Ohio State, who the Boilermakers will not face this season. I don’t think Purdue will have too much trouble with the Zips, but I know this for a fact: Purdue will not face Michigan or Ohio State this season.

FRYE DADDY 13
DID YOU KNOW WE DON’T PLAY MICHIGAN OR OHIO STATE THIS YEAR? 43

TEMPLE @ WISCONSIN

Temple joining the MAC is, like, the biggest gift ever to Big Ten football.

BILL COSBY 0
JOAN CUSACK 58

Next week:

• Illinois @ California: Well, it was a nice start, anyway
• Kentucky @ Indiana: UK isn’t playing dead this year
• Northern Iowa @ Iowa: Disgusting
• Eastern Michigan @ Michigan: Ditto
• Michigan State @ Notre Dame: Charlie’s home opener
• Florida Atlantic @ Minnesota: This is why Minnie goes 3-5 in conference every year
• Northwestern @ Arizona State: ASU never plays road games, it seems
• San Diego State @ Ohio State: Remember, they almost gacked this game last year
• Central Michigan @ Penn State: It’s MAC-tastic
• Purdue @ Arizona: Trap game alert!
• Wisconsin @ North Carolina: It’d be a good basketball game

SONGS OF YOUR LIFE

It’s been a while since I hopped on a music meme, but Bryan finally came up with one that sounds like fun.

Here’s how you play: Go to Music Outfitters, search on the year you graduated high school, get the list of the top 100 songs, and highlight the ones that wouldn’t make you change the radio station instantly. Bryan says his year (’86) was a low-water mark for music, but my year (’90) is scarcely any better.

1. Hold On, Wilson Phillips
2. It Must Have Been Love, Roxette
3. Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinead O’Connor
4. Poison, Bell Biv Devoe
5. Vogue, Madonna
6. Vision Of Love, Mariah Carey
7. Another Day In Paradise, Phil Collins
8. Hold On, En Vogue
9. Cradle Of Love, Billy Idol
10. Blaze Of Glory, Jon Bon Jovi
11. Do Me!, Bell Biv Devoe
12. How Am I Supposed To Live Without You, Michael Bolton
13. Pump Up The Jam, Technotronic
14. Opposites Attract, Paula Abdul
15. Escapade, Janet Jackson
16. All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You, Heart
17. Close To You, Maxi Priest
18. Black Velvet, Alannah Myles
19. Release Me, Wilson Phillips
20. Don’t Know Much, Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville
21. All Around The World, Lisa Stansfield
22. l Wanna Be Rich, Calloway
23. I Remember You, Skid Row
24. Rub You The Right Way, Johnny Gill
25. She Ain’t Worth It, Glenn Medeiros Featuring Bobby Brown
26. If Wishes Came True, Sweet Sensation
27. The Power, Snap
28. (Can’t Live Without Your) Love and Affection, Nelson
29. Love Will Lead You Back, Taylor Dayne
30. Don’t Wanna Fall In Love, Jane Child
31. Two To Make It Right, Seduction
32. Sending All My Love, Linear
33. Unskinny Bop, Poison
34. Step By Step, New Kids On The Block
35. Dangerous, Roxette
36. We Didn’t Start The Fire, Billy Joel
37. I Don’t Have The Heart, James Ingram
38. Downtown Train, Rod Stewart
39. Rhythm Nation, Janet Jackson
40. I’ll Be Your Everything, Tommy Page
41. Roam, B-52’s
42. Everything, Jody Watley
43. Back To Life, Soul II Soul
44. Here and Now, Luther Vandross
45. Alright, Janet Jackson
46. Ice Ice Baby, Vanilla Ice
47. Blame It On The Rain, Milli Vanilli
48. Have You Seen Her, M.C. Hammer
49. With Every Beat Of My Heart, Taylor Dayne
50. Come Back To Me, Janet Jackson
51. No More Lies, Michel’le
52. Praying For Time, George Michael
53. How Can We Be Lovers, Michael Bolton
54. Do You Remember, Phil Collins
55. Ready Or Not, After 7
56. U Can’t Touch This, M.C. Hammer
57. I Wish It Would Rain Down, Phil Collins
58. Just Between You and Me, Lou Gramm
59. Something Happened On The Way To Heaven, Phil Collins
60. Black Cat, Janet Jackson
61. Can’t Stop, After 7
62. Janie’s Got A Gun, Aerosmith
63. The Humpty Dance, Digital Underground
64. I’ll Be Your Shelter, Taylor Dayne
65. Free Fallin’, Tom Petty
66. Giving You The Benefit, Pebbles
67. Enjoy The Silence, Depeche Mode
68. Love Song, Tesla
69. Price Of Love, Bad English
70. Girls Nite Out, Tyler Collins
71. King Of Wishful Thinking, Go West
72. What Kind Of Man Would I Be?, Chicago
73. Get Up! (Before The Night Is Over), Technotroic
74. Here We Are, Gloria Estefan
75. Epic, Faith No More
76. Love Takes Time, Mariah Carey
77. Just Like Jesse James, Cher
78. Love Shack, B-52’s
79. All Or Nothing, Milli Vanilli
80. Romeo, Dino
81. Everybody Everybody, Black Box
82. I Go To Extremes, Billy Joel
83. Whip Appeal, Babyface
84. Oh Girl, Paul Young
85. C’mon and Get My Love, D-Mob With Cathy Dennis
85. (It’s Just) The Way That You Love Me, Paula Abdul
87. We Can’t Go Wrong, Cover Girls
88. When I’m Back On My Feet Again, Michael Bolton
89. Make You Sweat, Keith Sweat
90. This One’s For The Children, New Kids On The Block
91. What It Takes, Aerosmith
92. Forever, Kiss
93. Jerk Out, Time
94. Just A Friend, Biz Markie
95. Whole Wide World, A’me Lorain
96. Without You, Motley Crue
97. Swing The Mood, Jive Bunny and The Mastermixers
98. Thieves In The Temple, Prince
99. Mentirosa, Mellow Man Ace
100. Tic-Tac-Toe, Kyper

That’s nine out of one hundred. No wonder I developed a talk-radio addiction.

(I can’t explain why the numbers don’t work out in the list. It’s a WordPress thing.)