PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v05.3

Why am I even bothering to write this? The Big Ten is clearly the worst conference in major college football. I mean, the only three good teams in the conference lost last weekend, meaning that once again this year, no Big Ten team will be playing in the championship game. Great googly-moogly, everybody between the Missouri and the Ohio rivers should just take up tiddly-winks.

OK, maybe I’ve been paying too much attention to the national sports media this month. Anyway, here’s this week’s picks. And remember–everybody is still undefeated in the conference, so I wouldn’t switch off Anything Can Happen Mode just yet.

ILLINOIS @ CALIFORNIA

The Zooker’s got the Indigenous Woodlands People on a roll, with a tough win over Rutgers and a pretty convincing takedown of San Jose State. I mention that so you won’t forget that Illinois has done something good on the field this year, because after this game, you may have your doubts.

DO A ZOOK DO 13
RUNPROC ‘QUARTERBACK’ 42

KENTUCKY @ INDIANA

Which UK team will show up this week–the one that gave Louisville all it wanted in the first week, or the one that struggled against Idaho State last week? I’m guessing it really doesn’t matter, as long as the Indiana squad that nearly gacked against Nicholls State last week shows up.

BABBLING BROOKS 38
IT COULD HOEPPNER TO YOU 21

NORTHERN IOWA @ IOWA

Upset Special of the Week!

OK, not really. The Hawkeyes did look like they’d have a hard time being competitive in the Gateway Conference last season, and the Panthers have won big in their first two games. But those games were against Drake, which doesn’t give football scholarships, and Minnesota-Duluth, a Division II school. Northern Iowa may hang around for a quarter or so–they’re usually a pretty good team–but Captain Kirk’s squad knows it has some making up to do to the home fans. There’s more than one reason why I hope Tate gets pulled before halftime.

WE’LL NEVER WIN THE BATTLE OF I-380 17
SIGH . . . THANKS, GARY 55

EASTERN MICHIGAN @ MICHIGAN

This is just what the Wolverines needed to bounce back after last weekend–a nice, soft Pudding Pop to rough up before the vagaries of the Big Ten season. The Fighting Ypsilants don’t really have a chance in this game, but they do have a pretty good passing game and may give Michigan fans more reason to complain about their team’s defense.

IN YOUR EASTER(n) BOHNET 16
HA HA, HERRMANN 44

MICHIGAN STATE @ NOTRE DAME

Charlie gets to make his home debut, but the Lenos may not be who he wants to see coming in. Sparty has won four straight in South Bend and, while there’s no question that Notre Dame has looked good in its first two games, the bloom is already off Pitt’s rose, and a little Luck O’ The Irish was involved in last week’s Big House Spectacular. John L. Smith’s squad has its offense rolling (against Hawaii and Kent State, but I digress), while the defense has been especially strong against the run. Certainly ND hasn’t faced an offense like Sparty’s, and that may be an issue in this game, but to win a big road game like this, a team needs an opportunity-making defense, and Sparty doesn’t quite have that just yet. So look for Notre Dame to overtake Texas as the #2 team in next week’s polls.

THE LITURGICAL COLOR RIGHT NOW IS GREEN 24
EXEGETE THIS, YOU HEATHEN 31

FLORIDA ATLANTIC @ MINNESOTA

Dear Bill Snyder:

I take back everything I ever said about your non-conference scheduling.

Sincerely,

The Former Author of Pickin’ on the Big XII

WE’RE ONLY IN IT FOR THE MONEY 0
HOT RATS 52

NORTHWESTERN @ ARIZONA STATE

Somehow, losing two or three games to the Pac 10 this weekend won’t prove to be as embarrassing as losing two to the Big XII was last weekend.

IT’S LIKE TEMPE, BUT WITH AIR CONDITIONING 9
ROAD GAME? IT IS TO LAUGH 48

SAN DIEGO STATE @ OHIO STATE

Tressel has finally picked a quarterback; now, all that remains is to get that awful taste out of everybody’s mouths. Last year the Bucks nearly puked this game away, but they weren’t just coming off a heartbreaking loss last year. Plus they weren’t as good. I suppose an emotional letdown might be possible, but as with Iowa’s game, there’s just too much making up to do.

SURFING AND FISH TACOS ALMOST MAKE UP FOR THIS 15
WHAT’S THE NAME OF OUR OTHER WOODEN LEG? 49

CENTRAL MICHIGAN @ PENN STATE

In the first week, the Nit defense was spectacular, but the offense impressed no one. Last week, the offense went nuts, but the usually solid secondary turned gelatinous, and the rushing game wasn’t exactly spectacular. If Penn State ever gets a complete game together, they could have a pretty decent football team.

It’s tempting to think that this could happen against the Chipper-Shredders of Central Michigan, but CMU is on the rise, gutting out a tough road win last week at Miami But Not That Miami. I don’t think CMU can win this game, but I’ll bet that, for the third straight week, Nit fans should have no trouble seeing the cloud behind the silver lining.

INSERT DAN MAJERLE JOKE HERE 10
INSERT AARP JOKE HERE 35

PURDUE @ ARIZONA

Purdue, which does not play Michigan or Ohio State this season, travels to Arizona, which also does not play Michigan or Ohio State this season, just like Purdue. Since the Boilermakers don’t face Michigan or Ohio State this season, games like these against the Wildcats (who are not Wolverines or Buckeyes) are important for gauging their potential success against the other, non-Michigan-or-Ohio-State teams in the Big Ten. Mike Stoops’ team looks improved this season compared to last, while Tiller’s Boilermakers, who will not pay Michigan or Ohio State this season, looked efficient against Akron (who is not Michigan or Ohio State) last week, particularly against the run, a favorite offensive weapon of Michigan and Ohio State, who the Boilermakers will not face this season. If the Purdue defense can force Arizona (not Michigan or Ohio State) to throw the ball, they stand a good chance of mopping the floor with their opponent–something they will be unable to do against Michigan or Ohio State, whom they will not face this season.

DID YOU KNOW WE DON’T PLAY MICHIGAN OR OHIO STATE THIS YEAR? 32
ONE OF THESE DAYS WE’RE GONNA WIN ONE OF THESE GAMES 13

WISCONSIN @ NORTH CAROLINA

Badger fans are scratching their heads, wondering why their team isn’t ranked, despite being 2-0 and scoring more points per game than half the WNBA. Two words: Bowling Green and Temple. North Carolina is a slightly-above-average team, but the newly juvenated Wisconsin offense should do just enough to win this game, although maybe not handily.

TAKE STOCCO YOUR ASSETS 35
HOOP DREAMS 31

Next week:

• Michigan State @ Illinois: Jockeying for Nashville
• Iowa @ Ohio State: Consolation Bracket, Game 1
• Michigan @ Wisconsin: This game will shut somebody up, but who?
• Purdue @ Minnesota: Who’s more overhyped?
• Penn State @ Northwestern: Dedicated to the great Greek philosopher, Mediocrites