PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v05.4

Yaay! Hooraaay! The non-conference season is over! No more looking up stats on Chalkboard State’s rushing defense! No more having to pick Minnesota to rough up some school that didn’t even exist a decade ago! And for a couple more days, everybody’s still undefeated!

It’s the mossst wonderful time of the year . . .

So what did we learn from the non-conference season? Mostly, we learned that there aren’t going to be any gimmes in the conference this year. Even Indiana and Illinois have played well; IU totally shut down the same Kentucky team that nearly humiliated Louisville, while the Patently Offensive Indigenous Woodlands People really should’ve beaten Cal, which has got to be the most fradulent team in the top 25 right now. Stanford has looked better, and Stanford lost to a school that was playing Division II football just a couple years ago. (Hmm . . . maybe there’s a reason Glen Mason hasn’t scheduled North Dakota State yet!)

We’ve learned that this year’s Michigan team is capable of playing at times like there ought to be a direction in front of their name.

We’ve learned that Ohio State is the best team in the conference so far, but they’re not exactly immortal.

We’ve learned that Sparty can hang half a hundred on just about anybody.

We’ve learned that there may always be one non-conference game where Iowa simply fails to show up.

We’ve learned that Minnesota will contend that Tulsa and Colorado State constitute “quality opponents.”

We’ve learned that Gary Barnett is insane. (Okay, we already knew that.)

We’ve learned that JoePa isn’t done; he can beat any lower-division MAC or CUSA team he wants.

We’ve learned that Northwestern still plays football.

Okay, enough education. Let’s get back to the silly, moon-barking, staple-the-pancakes-to-the-side-of-the-barn uninformed prevarications, shall we?

MICHIGAN STATE @ ILLINOIS

I don’t think any two teams in the conference have surprised me more than these two schools have. Michigan State is playing great football, while the MacGyver job Ron Zook has performed on the still-steaming carcass of Illinois football is a thing of . . . well, not beauty, but certainly art. Even though the Rinse Your Mouth Out With Listerine If You Dare Speak Our True Name squad lost to Califraudulent last week, they should’ve won and can hold their heads up knowing that they totally flustered a Pac-2.5 team. So you’ve got to believe that they think they stand a chance against Sparty.

Ahh, if only that were true. Nobody’s been able to hold the Fightin’ Lenos under 40 thus far, and while They Who Must Not Be Named is sporting an improved defense, they’re still a fairly unlikely candidate to be the first. Zook may pull something out of thin air here, but as for me and my house, we like Sparty in a game of JV basketball on grass.

IZZO SHOULD SCORE SO EASILY 45
A TANGLED WEBER WOVEN 24

PURDUE @ MINNESOTA

When I lived in the Twin Cities a decade ago (egads) I was in a blessed location . . . when the wind was out of the north (which it always is in Minnesota), I got a snootful of fresh bakery from the Continental factory. It was nice. These days, though, I’d have been better off waiting for a west wind so I could get a whiff of the steady stream of pastry that comes to the Metrodome every year to play the Gophers in the non-conference season. I know why Mason does it. Since he hardly ever wins more than three games in conference play, he counts on those guaranteed Ws to get the Gophers to the Music City Bowl or the Sun Bowl every year, thus ensuring himself a steady supply of contract extensions.

I wonder when he’ll catch on that the reason he goes 3-5 in conference every year is because his team’s never been tested before the real opponents show up.

Look, Laurence Moroney can run. We all know that. We also know that Bryan Cupito has some great receivers to throw to. (Now if only those receivers had a great QB to throw them the ball . . .) We don’t know if Goldy’s defense is any better, because you could pick 11 people waiting in line at the DMV, and they could shut down Florida Atlantic. Purdue went to Arizona and won a good road game. Mason keeps thinking that Ohio U (three years ago) and Tulsa constitute “road tests” for the conference’s perennially most-disappointing team. That’s why Purdue is going to grind up the Gophers like a John Deere combine going through a nice, crunchy cornfield.

DID YOU KNOW WE DON’T PLAY . . . OH, FORGET IT 43
DOES OOEY-POOEY HAVE A TEAM? WE’D RATHER PLAY THEM 12

PENN STATE @ NORTHWESTERN

Thus far, I’ve got to say, Penn State has looked alright. I’ve been a little disappointed with the opposing passing numbers–I thought Phillips and Zemaitis were ready to clamp down on everybody–but there’s no arguing with the score, and for a change, Robinson is playing well enough to keep the Morellians in check. Meanwhile, Northwestern gave up 773 yards to Arizona State last week. They’re not really that bad, but they’re still not very good. I may have underestimated Penn State, but I still can’t see the Nits with more than five wins total. But hey, here’s one of those five!

FROM HERE TO PATERNITY 24
WHAT DO YOU TAKE FOR ZEMAITIS? 10

IOWA @ OHIO STATE

This looked like a good game a couple weeks ago. Then Iowa started playing funny. Even before Drew Tate rang his own bell against the Cyclopaths, the offense was filled with miscues, while the defense was playing okay but being asked to do too much. Last week’s Northern Iowa game help settle things down a little bit in the Hawkeye Nation, but Iowa wasn’t able to shut down the Northern Iowa passing attack, which is cause for concern. I’m going to guess that Iowa’s defensive game plan involves forcing Troy Smith to throw deep in an effort to keep his mobility in check. But the question is moot. A very average Hawkeye offense will get nothing done in Columbus against a defense that remembers how it got schooled a year ago in Iowa City. I don’t look for any mercy to be shown to the Hawks.

OH, THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE OPENER 3
THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A KLINGON PROVERB, YOU DWEEBS 38

MICHIGAN @ WISCONSIN

Talk about your early sort-’em-out contest. Michigan fans are doing their usual low-key anti-rooting, talking down their team’s strengths en route to a gloomy forecast for the rest of the Lloyd Carr era. And it’s true that, at first glance, Michigan’s defensive weakness (a front seven with all the stopping power of runny Cream of Wheat) plays right into the hands of Wisconsin’s greatest strength (an unending supply of speedy, plus-size running backs who can squeeze through holes most of us wouldn’t think light could get through). But, while Wisky has looked good thus far, let me remind you that they’ve gotten in a shootout with Bowling Green (1-2 after getting their doors blown off by Boise State Wednesday night), Temple (0-3), and North Carolina (0-2). That’s three teams who, among them, have a nine-point victory over . . . uhh . . . Ball State. I know, I know, I put the Badgers in my top 25 this week, but they’re not as good as early returns would indicate and, while I think they’ll make a game of it, I feel pretty confident that Michigan can win this one.

NOT QUITE AS BAD AS YOU THINK WE ARE 23
SUCK IT UP, SUCK IT IN, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP 18

Next week:

• Illinois @ Iowa: Bruce Pearl is Tennessee’s problem now
• Michigan @ Michigan State: Sparty spoils again, or does the Ghost of Seasons Past revisit?
• Minnesota @ Penn State: a/k/a the Lower Your Expectations Bowl
• Notre Dame @ Purdue: They’re talking smack in Mishawaka
• Indiana @ Wisconsin: The Tri-State Tollway’s destinations in a steel-cage death match