TROUBLE IN DREAMLAND

FANTASY FOOTBALLERS CALL FOR BRADY BENCHING, DUNGY FIRING

“Statistical variance” and “wasted touchdowns” cited

FOXBORO, MA (API)–Citing poor performance through the first three weeks of the NFL season, a coalition of disgruntled fantasy football managers issued a set of demands which call for the New England Patriots to bench quarterback Tom Brady and the Indianapolis Colts to fire head coach Tony Dungy, according to a press release.

“Thus far in the 2005 season, Tom Brady has thrown only three touchdown passes, while Peyton Manning has thrown only two. The Colts’ offense has gone from one of the most potent in the NFL to a pathetic shadow of its former self, averaging only thirteen points [per game],” said the statement from an organization calling itself Fantasy Football Owners United for League Dominance (FFOULD). “As fantasy football owners and avid NFL fans, we find these trends unforgiveable and call upon the ownership of the Patriots and Colts to make immediate changes to rectify this regrettable circumstance, before all of our seasons are affected.”

The organization went on to spell out specific moves it wants made: “We call for Brady’s immediate benching in favor of Matt Cassell; furthermore, we demand that the Colts fire head coach Tony Dungy. Not only has Manning not been the reliable statistical performer he has been in past years, but Edgerrin James has also disappointed.”

Reaction around the league was swift. Patriots Vice President for Player Personnel Scott Pioli acknowledged that the team has been fielding calls from a number of disgruntled fantasy owners. “It’s not so much that Tom [Brady] hasn’t been throwing a lot of touchdowns so much as it is who he’s been throwing them to,” Pioli said when reached by phone at the team’s headquarters. “The e-mails and phone calls really started during our very first game, when Tom threw a touchdown pass to Tim Dwight. That seemed to set a lot of people off. They started accusing us of ‘wasting touchdowns’ by throwing to a guy who hardly anybody had on their rosters.” (According to NFL.com, Dwight is owned in only 1% of all fantasy football leagues.) “I’m sure they’d like to see us throw more to David [Givens] and Troy [Brown], but the fact is, Tim was wide open on that play.”

In Indianapolis, a Colts official who wished to remain nameless also confirmed that fantasy owners are upset at the performance of the team’s offense. “It’s especially bad with the guys in the keeper leagues. A lot of them have passed on players like Priest Holmes or the Ravens defense to hang on to Peyton Manning or Marvin Harrison. I even heard from one guy who had Peyton and Marvin and traded away Cadillac Williams and Torry Holt just to get Reggie Wayne because he figured those three would be good for almost thirty points a game. I really felt for the guy, he sounded almost suicidal, but hey, that’s football.”

While there was a contact number on FFOULD’s press release, it took repeated efforts to reach anyone. The organization’s spokesman, identified only as “Chad,” elaborated on the group’s demands.

“With Brady, we really feel that his well-known tendency to spread the ball around to a variety of different receivers has hurt his fantasy value. We feel that Matt Cassell, because of his lack of game experience, would probably only be able to handle a two-receiver progression, which would make things much easier for the fantasy owner. The situation in Indy is a little more complex. We don’t see [Colts backup quarterback] Jim Sorgi as an improvement from the fantasy point of view, plus we see that [Tony] Dungy has returned to his roots as a defensive coach, which troubles us. We’d like to see the Colts just dump him now and install a more offense-oriented coach, you know, to get back to the days when the Colts would just try to outscore everybody they played and worry about the defense later. That was much, much better for the fantasy owner.”

When questioned about the unprecedented move of firing a coach whose team is currently 3-0, Chad replied, “Who cares? Thus far you’d have been better off starting Trent Dilfer than Peyton Manning on your fantasy team. This really irritates a lot of us who drafted Manning with our #1 picks. If we’d known that the Colts weren’t going to run their usual high-powered offense, we might’ve taken [Baltimore running back] Jamal Lewis or [San Diego tight end] Antonio Gates instead.”

FFOULD also called for the NFL to ban the “tackle eligible” play since Buffalo tackle Jason Peters caught a one-yard touchdown pass in the team’s opening game. “We polled, and we found that 34% of all fantasy owners attempted to add Peters on the morning following that game, but most leagues don’t allow you to draft tackles. That’s just more wasted touchdowns. And the people who own [Philadelphia kicker] David Akers weren’t allowed to get credit for [linebacker] Mark Simoneau’s extra point in week two. That’s wrong, too. If the NFL doesn’t get a hold of this problem, they may not be America’s most-popular sports league for long. You can’t disappoint your most loyal fans by letting all these points go to waste from a fantasy perspective,” said Chad.

NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue did not return phone messages left in regards to this story.

BLOGPOLL BALLOT, WEEK 5

This week’s BlogPoll ballot:

1. Southern Cal: Gene Wojnistrzklvszsxnski is wrong; teams don’t get “exposed” in landslide victories.
2. Virginia Tech: Yet another 40-point pasting of a nobody leapfrogs them over Texas.
3. Texas: American Idle.
4. Georgia: But I’m just waiting for them to stumble.
5. Florida: Yeah, but it was Kentucky.

6. Ohio State: OK, OK, I get it now.
7. Arizona State: Take away the Temple game and the Underwoods have yet to hold anybody under 21 points.
8. Tennessee: If Ainge starts another game, I’m imposing a 10-place penalty.
9. Louisiana State: They looked really good, until they didn’t.
10. Michigan State: That’s one scary good offense.
11. Florida State: You take a week off, you might get jumped. Happened to Texas too.
12. Notre Dame: I bet that was one weird game for ND’s players.
13. Minnesota: How was I to know they’d suddenly find a defense?
14. Miami (Florida): When you look at who’s beaten Gary Barnett in September, it’s tough to get worked up.
15. California: No Curse of the Mumme here.
16. Texas Tech: Too bad they bombed in “Century Quest.”
17. Iowa State: Looked very bad against Army.
18. UCLA: No game last week.
19. Wisconsin: Great win, but I’m still not buying them.
20. Vanderbilt: Wow, two weeks in a row?
21. Auburn: Still kinda shaky.
22. UTEP: Big win over my old #25.
23. West Virginia: Not really a “blow your doors off” type of team, but quietly getting it done.
24. South Florida: It’s tough to argue with success.
25. Wyoming: Hotty toddy, gosh almighty, we lost to a team with hideous uniforms!

Games I watched this week: Iowa State @ Army, Penn State @ Northwestern/Michigan State @ Illinois/Purdue @ Minnesota (I was flipping back and forth), Notre Dame @ Washington, Tennessee @ LSU

Dropped out: Purdue (play some defense already!), Michigan (play some defense already!), Georgia Tech, Louisville (I shoulda stuck by my original conviction that this was not a top-25 team)