PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v05.6

My work week is severely backloaded, so my only real shot at getting these predictions ready on time is if I do them tonight.

POTBT was 4-1 last week (thanks, Sparty), bringing the season totals to 35-8 (81.4%). But I don’t hold out much hope for this week’s picks. My heart’s really not in it, since I probably won’t get to see any of the games. My wife commandeered the living room for one of those merchandise parties, and one of the down sides of having an ad-free website is that we own but a single television. Moreover, she informed me that this will happen again in two weeks because some kid is having a birthday party at our house. I would put my foot down, but the kid is mine, after all.

Anyway, with football denied and television (or the lack thereof) on my mind, I’m not going to bother to write about the games this week. I’ll just grab some program listings at random and let those do my analysis for me.

ILLINOIS @ INDIANA

GSN: Who Wants To Win A Conference Game? (Game Show) Two teams of amateurs compete in feats of strength and coaching fundamentals for the prize of a solitary Big Ten conference victory. Losers get to sweat out the upcoming balloon payments on their mortgages. Host: Bob Davie.

YEAH, WELL, FLORIDA DOESN’T LOOK SO BAD TO ME NOW, EITHER 24
TWO MORE WINS AND WE’RE BOWL ELIGIBLE 31

MINNESOTA @ MICHIGAN

SUNDANCE: “6 And 5 Me” (1997-2005, **1/2*, Glen Mason, Joel Maturi) Documentary. A football team experiences raging heartburn after a month-long cupcake binge.

LIFETIME: “Unbreak Mike Hart” (2005, *, Judith Light, Mykelti Williamson) Drama. A young running back throws himself into the art and craft of football when he realizes his success is the only thing holding his dysfunctional family together. Lloyd Carr: Garrison Keillor.

BUT THEY TASTED SO GOOD GOING DOWN 17
A LITTLE BETTER THAN YOU THOUGHT WE WEREN’T 28

WISCONSIN @ NORTHWESTERN

FOOD: Good Eats (Cooking) “The Red Badger of Curry” Alton Brown (BarryBret Bielema) spices up a weak, watery stew with a surprise ingredient: Buffalo droppings. Also: Improvising a tandoori oven with a can of Sterno and a garden gnome.

MTV: The Real World: Evanston (Reali . . . erm, Comed . . . no, Tragedy) Traci and Jen think about going clubbing, but decide to make microwave popcorn and watch a rerun of “ER” instead; Trevor and Drake try to make it to Taco Bell before closing, but can’t find anybody with a car; Kia and Ray stand in front of the library for hours to see if it really is sinking into Lake Michigan.

ISTHMUS BE THE PLACE 18
WHY DO WE KEEP DOING THIS TO YOU? 20

OHIO STATE @ PENN STATE

ABC: According to Jim (Comedy) Halfway through completing his game plan, Jim (Wings Hauser) suddenly remembers he’s married to Courtney Thorne-Smith and decides to stop working so many nights.

SCIFI: Cocoon: The Series (Science Fiction, As If The Name Of The Channel Wasn’t A Dead Giveaway) At long last, Jack (Steve Guttenberg) discovers the secret of the mysterious rejuvenation pool: Joe (Robert Blake) has been bathing everyone in the blood of true freshmen.

WHO WANTS TO WIN THIS VERKOKTE CONFERENCE, ANYWAY? 24
WE DO, WE DO! 31

IOWA @ PURDUE

SPIKE: Star Trek (Religion) Capt. Kirk (Warren Oates) and the crew investigate a strange phenomenon: Whenever the Enterprise leaves port, the crew’s uniforms change color and the Enterprise’s weapons and shields malfunction. Spock (Ken O’Keefe) speculates that the sudden appearance of hundreds of small yellow flags is somehow connected. Chekhov: Drew Tate.

CBS: CSI: West Lafayette (Crime) When eleven Purdue students are brought up on tackling charges, the investigators fear they may not have enough evidence to convict them. However, their investigation is stymied when Lt. Tiller (Wilford Brimley)’s reputation turns up missing, and the entire team must look for it.

THE ROAD “WARRIORS” 27
THE BEST DEFENSE IS A GOOD OFFENSE, WHICH DOESN’T HELP US VERY MUCH 24

Next week . . . on a very special POTBT:

• Indiana @ Iowa: Hoosiers pick the wrong year to drive up I-74
• Penn State @ Michigan: The good news is, the Nits will be bowl-eligible
• Wisconsin @ Minnesota: You may see as many as six forward passes in this game
• Michigan State @ Ohio State: Given last week’s disappointment, Sparty is a mortal lock
• Northwestern @ Purdue: Love clean, well-played football? Mow your lawn during this game