PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v05.8

Crushed. Crushed we all are to learn that, barring a total meltdown amongst the leaders of other conferences, no Big Ten team will be losing to U$C in the Rose Bowl. All because of Penn State’s silly, last-second loss in The Big House. No, instead, our conference champion will be forced to play a bowl game they might actually, y’know, win. Though I must admit that I’m not very excited about that pending Penn State-West Virginia Fiesta Bowl. This goofy contretemps is just one of many reasons why I hate the (A)BCS(PN), and you should, too.

Anyway, it appears to be my destiny to go 4-1 with my picks every week. POTBT is now 43-10 (81.1%) for the season. I have my usual bad feeling about this week’s picks, though, but it may just be something I ate.

PENN STATE @ ILLINOIS

Getting a paper cut on your tongue. Buying a Powerball ticket and finding out the computer randomly assigned you last week’s winning numbers. Running out of Claritin right before the start of your town’s Ragweed Festival. Mistaking the Nair for your shampoo. Finding out your girlfriend is leaving you for a one-armed, illiterate rodeo clown. There’s five things that probably hurt worse than what happened to Penn State last week.

Fortunately, there’s a sure cure for whatever ails you in the Big Ten, and if it were not so, why does “Illinois” start with “Ill”?

STILL FEEL GONE 24
ANODYNE 3

OHIO STATE @ INDIANA

A trip to Bloomington, on the other hand, is no longer the hanging curveball every Big Ten team hopes for. IU has gotten a lot better in a big hurry under Terry Hoeppner and, while they’re not quite ready to beat Ohio State, this will probably be more of a game than the Buckeyes would like. The Hoosiers still need to stiffen up more on defense, but they’re gonna get somebody this year. Just not this week.

DOUBLE NICKELS ON THE DIME 38
IF’N 13

MICHIGAN @ IOWA

It’s sad when you don’t know whether to be afraid of Michigan or not. This game is at Kinnick, and the Revenge Factor for the Hawkeyes is pretty high, so I’m leaning towards “not.” I just hope I’m right.

BED 24
BECOME WHAT YOU ARE 31

NORTHWESTERN @ MICHIGAN STATE.

“Basketball on grass.” Northwestern is devious and crafty, but in the end, that Michigan State offense is just too much for the Cats’ still-squishy defense. It’ll be close (I think), but if you’re watching this game, be ready to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in front of it.

SUPERUNKNOWN 56
ULTRAMEGA OK 66

PURDUE @ WISCONSIN

The only interesting thing left involving Purdue football is just how many assistants Joe Tiller will have to let go if he plans on keeping his job for next season. Currently the over/under is 2, and I’m not sure which way to go with it.

MURMUR 17
GREEN 28

Next week:

• Wisconsin @ Illinois: The Badgers will win, but they’ll get 36 speeding tickets on the way home
• Indiana @ Michigan State: Sparty should run away with this one, so I’m going with IU
• Ohio State @ Minnesota: Will Glen Mason get his revenge on Jim Tressel for taking his dream job?
• Michigan @ Northwestern: Vaunted Michigan academics will keep NU from outsmarting the ‘Rines
• Purdue @ Penn State: Look away, look FAR away