PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v05.9

Well, we finally did it. We finally broke the curse of going 4-1 this past week. We had hoped to do it by going 5-0, but instead we got 3-2. It’ll do. For the season, we’re still at a robust 46-12 (79.3%), which is not too bad, considering we’ve been very busy at the job we actually get paid for.

(’We.’ How pretentious are we am I? I’m a lone freak writing in his basement. Crikey, there isn’t even drywall down here. Unless I want to call a couple spiders “my editors,” I’m in this alone.)

Anyway, everybody who had Penn State, Northwestern, and Wisconsin finishing in your top three in the Big Ten, raise your hand.

Liars.

To celebrate my subpar performance in picking the games last week, this week I’m offering a special Regrettable Quotes Edition, in which I will offer the dumbest things I’ve said about each team through the first eight weeks of the season, including the season preview. Especially the season preview. I should just create a category called ‘Dumbth’ and assign my season preview to it every year.

WISCONSIN @ ILLINOIS

A/k/a “The Cheese Shop/Strip Mall Interface.”

“How can you replace the heart of your defense and your offense in the Big Ten and win even six games, let alone nine? I’m pretty sure you can’t.” (Season Preview) I said that about Wisconsin, which probably has a better chance of winning nine games than anybody else in the Big Ten right now.

“I think the Zooker is getting the shaft for his equally rare overtime victory over Rutgers. In all seriousness, that was a great way to start the season for the Illini. Here is a team that has had basically nothing to celebrate or rally around for the past three seasons, and now they’ve got a gutty victory over a team that many people think is actually kind of good. That’s the kind of momentum which can lead to overachievement.” (Week 2) In case you’re wondering, the sky on my planet is a nice tartan plaid.

THE ONLY UW STUDENTS WHO WON’T BE SMASHING WINDOWS SATURDAY NIGHT 45
THE ONLY STUDENTS AT UIUC WHO HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO ON A SATURDAY 21

INDIANA @ MICHIGAN STATE

A/k/a “Only 3 weeks until basketball season”

“IU chartered a flight for Nicholls State, so this game will be played. Pretty sad when you have to fly in hurricane victims to pick up your last victory of the season.” (Week 2) The Hoosiers have won two games since then.

“CFN threw a blanket party for Sparty on Tuesday, stopping just short of saying John L. Smith’s dog is ugly and Duffy Daugherty’s mother made lumpy gravy. Every single one of their writers said something semi-derogatory about either the Spartans themselves or Drew Stanton. So color them unconvinced, I guess; maybe when somebody else in the media says ‘Michigan State is good’ they’ll come around.” (Week 5) Uh, I guess they were right.

HEY HOEPP, CAN YOU COACH BASKETBALL TOO? 24
HEY IZZO, CAN YOU COACH FOOTBALL TOO? 38

OHIO STATE @ MINNESOTA

A/k/a “The Glen Mason Divided Loyalties Bowl”

“Problem is, I’m not buying what the punditocracy is selling. Ted Ginn Jr. is phenomenal, and AJ Hawk is the best linebacker east of the Mississippi, but QB Troy Smith is, in my opinion, badly overrated. He’s too easily rattled, and without much in the way of experience at the RB position, he’s going to be expected to do way too much. He’ll have all the time in the world to throw the ball, but mark my word, Buckeye fans will be cursing his name by mid-season.” (Season Preview) Ginn, of course, has turned into essentially a Johnny-Come-Notly, while Smith has a 145.20 QB rating.

“Minnesota, meanwhile, may–may–not be able to run the ball quite so well this season without their two-pronged rushing attack, and Glen Mason’s teams have never been known for their ability to stop any offense from doing anything. I think the Golden Golfers prevail, but this will be a pretty close game.” (Week 1) The Gophers won that game (against Tulsa) 41-10, and the only single prong around here is the one that’s stuck through my head, apparently.

HAWK A LOOGIE 27
HEY, BIERMAN 13

MICHIGAN @ NORTHWESTERN

A/k/a “This wouldn’t have been a good game 25 years ago”

“Normally I pay no attention to the point spread–that’s gambling, and I don’t go for it. But a number of talking heads have commented on the fact that, despite the fact that Penn State is 6-0 and Michigan is 3-3, the line on this game is Michigan by 3 1/2. This must mean that Vegas knows something the rest of us don’t know, so they’re going with Michigan. What Vegas knows is that the streams are filled with shiny blue fish this week.” (Week 7) Actually, I was sort of right–Michigan won, but didn’t cover.

“Northwestern is devious and crafty, but in the end, that Michigan State offense is just too much for the Cats’ still-squishy defense.” (Week Eight) The Cats defense, while admittedly squishy, held Sparty to 14–ten points fewer than Ohio State did.

NEITHER AS GOOD NOR AS BAD AS YOU OR WE THINK WE ARE 16
ALL THIS, PLUS YOU’LL PROBABLY WORK FOR US SOME DAY 31

PURDUE @ PENN STATE

A/k/a “ESPN Instant Classic”

“They won’t forget this year, especially not on defense. Every starter is back. And there’s enough returning talent on the other side of the ball to keep Purdue fans’ hopes up. Factor in what may be the greatest scheduling assist in Big Ten history (no Michigan or Ohio State, and Iowa’s coming to West Lafayette), and there seems to be no reason why this team can’t contend for the conference title.” (Season Preview) Apparently, the fact that every starter returned on defense is the primary reason why Purdue may not even contend for a single conference victory this season.

“I may have underestimated Penn State, but I still can’t see the Nits with more than five wins total.” (Week 4) The Nits have won seven games and, of course, play Purdue this week.

NORTHWESTERN INDIANA TRAVELING BYE-WEEK SQUAD 0
EVERYTHING’S COMING UP ROSES TOSTITOS 56

Next week:

• Minnesota @ Indiana: This is the one the Hoosiers will get
• Iowa @ Northwestern: If Sparty couldn’t outscore NU . . .
• Illinois @ Ohio State: Disgusting
• Wisconsin @ Penn State: Big Ten Championship Game, a couple weeks early
• Michigan State @ Purdue: Does the Ross-Ade scoreboard go into triple digits?